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3millionthfool: This is going to sound so stupid but to me it's a big deal.

Translation: I know deep down I've been a jerk, so I thought I'd try putting one over on you so I can continue putting one over on me.

3millionthfool: Last night, she went to bed about an hour before me.

Translation: She went to bed without me, which ticked me off a bit, and seemed curious.... why would she want to go to bed before I was ready to?

3millionthfool: I brushed my teeth and noticed that her toothbrush was dry.

Translation: Her dry toothbrush further suggested that while she may have gone to bed, she might not have intended to call it a day. What could she be up to?

3millionthfool: When I got in bed she said something and was coherently awake.

Translation: When I got in bed, I "accidentally" nudged her, and when she stirred, I asked if she was awake. She groaned back, "Hmm? Yeah, hon… what's the matter?"

3millionthfool: I asked her if she brushed her teeth, fully expecting her to say no,

Translation: I cleverly devised a trick question, hoping to catch her off guard.

3millionthfool: but she said yes, that she did.

Translation: but just as I expected, she failed my test.

3millionthfool: I said her toothbrush was bone-dry and there was no way she had brushed her teeth and was getting upset.

Translation: I confronted her with the irrefutable evidence of her deceit, and became agitated as she revealed the depth of her unworthiness.

3millionthfool: She denied it for a while, making up more lies to cover it up

Translation: The lies on the tart's breath were thicker than the tarter on her teeth.

3millionthfool: and finally she admitted to lying.

Translation: until finally she broke down and confessed, her cunning no match for my finely-tuned forensic prowess and masterful cross-examination.

3millionthfool: I went in the bathroom and was very upset and shoveled the contents of the counter into the sink, breaking some things and then was getting my stuff ready to leave.

Translation: I went to the bathroom and launched into a carefully modulated display of anger (confirmed by glimpses of myself in the mirrors), sweeping certain items into the sink, rather than to the floor, so as to not make too big a mess on the off chance I'd have to clean up after myself, and to not break or misplace any of the props I would later put in my gym bag as she begged me to stay.

3millionthfool: She got very upset and I didn't have the heart to leave so I slept on the couch.

Translation: She had the nerve to call me an ass and then stormed back to bed, but at that point it was late, I was tired, didn't feel like driving, but needed to teach her a lesson, so I went to the living room, flopped out on the couch, flipped on the TV, found something suitable, had a nice wank, and fell asleep. I woke up an hour or two later, went back to the bedroom, and went back to sleep.

3millionthfool: This morning I told her to make an appointment with her therapist today and start preparing to be alone.

Translation: This morning, still high from last night's episode and thinking I might squeeze additional mileage out of it, I made sure her day would be as crappy as possible, hoping this would encourage her to try extra hard to make things up to me this evening, which always lifts my morale after a withering day at the 9-to-5.

3millionthfool: **sigh** any thoughts? Thanks for any help…

Translation: It's just **pathetic** I know. Please, stop me before I oink again.

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