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Subject:  Stupid rules Date:  10/1/1999  11:39 PM
Author:  goodjoan Number:  450 of 42475

All this talk of toddlers has reminded me of a conversation I had with my husband a few weeks ago. My 2 older kids (4 and 2 years old) decided that they should climb into a dresser drawer. They are lucky to be alive after toppling the dresser over on both of them. They escaped with scratches and one with a slightly black eye. When questioned on the activity I was told "we wanted to sit in the drawer" I had been out of the room for less than 30 seconds, literally, when this happened. I declared a new rule "No climbing ANY furniture" which replaces the "No climbing on the couch" rule because obviously the reasoning isn't there that climbing the dresser could be as dangerous as climbing on the couch or similarly banned. We have learned our lesson and are now extremely literal when telling the kids things.

Anyway, it got us talking about rules that only a parent would think up and that only other parents could understand. We have a few-

1. Ears and noses are for air only, nothing solid should go into your nose or ears, this includes marbles and pancakes.

2. When I say 'go to the bathroom' I mean "Pee IN the toilet" not just go potty anywhere in the bathroom.

3. You may touch only your own penis. Other people penises are not for touching and certainly not for trying to swing like tarzan. (makes me glad I'm the one in the house without one!)

4. Yes, putting your pillow over the babys head will eventually make him stop crying. It will also make him stop breathing so instead, try putting the pillow over your ears if it's bothering you.

5. It is forbidden to make siren noises when mommy is driving. It is not funny to see her looking all around for the emergency vehicle. Squeeking and ticking and grinding noises are similarly frowned upon.

6. We are proud that you are potty trained but people in the restaurant probably do not want to see your big boy underpants.

7. Boogers are not for sharing.

8. All monsters must check in before scaring children in the house. Also, monsters must be out of the house by 9pm. Monsters are afraid of stuffed animals and are poisoned by air freshener.

9. It is ok to throw french fries to the sparrows on the playground but it is impolite to throw french fries at the child at the next table, even if he does not have any of his own and appears hungry.

10. If your brother waves his hand in the air and announces "Magic! You're disappeared!" (or in outer space/a baby/a monkey/a giant/etc) this does not mean it's true. You do not need to cry and beg to be restored. If you cannot remember this rule, simply placing your hands over your eyes and saying your name 3 times will negate any sibling magic. When you remove your hands, you will be restored to your normal self.

11. Speak. Grandma cannot see you through the telephone.

12. While mommy does use pennies to get food to eat, eating pennies does not save her any time and is generally a poor investment with really poopy returns.

Do you have any of these gems in your parenting arsenal?

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