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Subject:  Difficulties with Intercourse Date:  8/1/2003  12:50 PM
Author:  NaggingFool Number:  889 of 2283

I now officially open the discussion of what I can do to get pregnant. I thank you for your patience :) This whole message is too much information, so consider yourself warned. It's also quite long, but once I got started everything just came tumbling out.

Summary of our current problems:
- I find vaginal penetration uncomfortable.
- DH is rarely interested in sex, and doesn't seem to be aroused by much aside from direct genital stimulation.
- I get overstimulated easily making intercourse unbearable. (I'm not just talking about genital stimulation, I'm talking about too much light touch anywhere)
- DH does not ejaculate without vaginal intercourse.

Other possibly relevant stuff:
- I regularly masturbate to orgasm, DH does not find masturbation pleasurable.
- My cycles are happily quite regular and despite my high weight I have midcycle symptoms that indicate ovulation. I have not yet begun to chart my temperature.
- We really are happy. It sort of amuses us when the media refers to horrible sexless marriages, because we're still very much in love after 6 years of marriage and we like our life together very much. We would just like a little bit more intimacy and a little one. Can you tell I'm a little defensive about this?

Our history:
On our first many attempts to have sex I found vaginal penetration very painful. This made DH not want to have sex. He has a low libido, so why would he want to do something that makes his wife say "Ow!" and burst into tears? As you can tell, lying is one of my lesser developed skills.

For a while we stopped trying. Then we started trying again, and discovered that I still burst into tears a lot. So for the past year or so we made appointments to fool around one morning a week. The goal of that fooling around was not to have intercourse, but to relearn that physical intimacy was pleasurable.

A quote from me to DH "I just want sex to be as good as making brownies. When I say 'I'm going to make brownies' you always say 'yum' with enthusiasm. Sometimes you say 'I'm not that hungry' but you never say 'oh, we have to make brownies?'"

We have not quite reached that stage, but we have come much closer.

A few months ago we switched back into trying intercourse. It has been more successful (in that I don't burst into tears afterwards), but we still seem a long way from getting DH to ejaculate.

Where we stand now:
The bursting into tears was mostly caused by overstimulation, not by the pain of intercourse. Once I figured out how to avoid overstimulation, I could handle penetration by more and more fingers.

DH still doesn't suggest sex. But he's decided that it's like getting enough exercise; he'll feel better if he does it, so he tries to make time for it.

Here's our current routine:
- We "plan" a day or two ahead of time. This lets us focus on cuddling and anticipating ahead of time which helps me relax and DH to get aroused.
- Our episodes are in the morning, when DH is more easily aroused.
- I wake before DH, get up, and try to relax. I don't do formal meditation, but something like that. I'm finally identifying how I need to get my mind so I won't be overstimulated.
- I shower. This also seems to help me avoid overstimulation.
- I curl around DH and slowly wake him up.
- Foreplay ensues, followed by attempts at penetration.

The challenge is to arouse DH and arouse me, while keeping me relaxed so I don't get overstimulated. For me arousal is all in my head, for DH it's in his body. It's tricky to get everything coordinated. The trouble is timing. I need to get somewhat aroused, but at the right time so DH still has an erection.