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URL:  http://boards.fool.com/could-one-of-you-or-both-tells-us-a-little-bit-19411395.aspx

Subject:  Re: Difficulties with Intercourse Date:  8/4/2003  11:23 AM
Author:  NaggingFool Number:  920 of 2282

Could one of you (or both) tells us a little bit about what's in the book?

Here are some of my thoughts on the book. Of course, I read everything through my own filters, so you might get very different things out of it. I found that the author's confrontational style wasn't a good match for me, although the book did contain lots of information that I found interesting.

I found that one analogy in the book explained a lot of what the author was trying to get across.

When you hug your partner, are you both stable on your own two feet, or are you leaning into each other so that if one moves the other will stumble? The author's goal is differentiation, so he says you need to be able to stand on your own two feet.

It seemed to me that the author was describing emotional maturity, not just useful in marriage, although the book is obviously marriage oriented. (I guess people are willing to work hard on self-development to improve their sex life more than for general happiness and well being?) It's not about fairness, or parity, or quid pro quo. It's about being the most mature functional person you can so you can be a better person and a better spouse.

Here are some of my notes about what the author recommends. I'll try to clarify them, but I read the book over a year ago, so we may need help from other quarters.

- When you're stuck (he calls it gridlocked) look at yourself and figure out what growing you still have to do.
- Confront yourself for your own good; for your integrity; for your personal development.
- Don't count on your partner to confront him/herself in return.
- Forget the idea that "the relationship is the problem"
- Stop focusing on what your partner is/is not doing. Instead focus on yourself. Similarly, stop trying to change your partner.
- Look for solutions in new places. Reconsider options you've previously rejected.
- Stop trying to make your partner listen, accept, and validate.
- Keep your mouth shut about your partner's issues.
- Don't identify with your feelings-- anger, sadness, frustration are things that happen to you, not who you are.
- Let the best in you do the thinking and talking.

The webpage also has descriptions:
<http://www.passionatemarriage.com/intimate_relationships.htm>

Megan



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