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|Subject: The Worst 100 Movies Ever Made (that I have seen||Date: 8/22/2007 6:40 PM|
|Author: SaintCroix||Number: 49299 of 63252|
okay, this list starts to get mean and hateful after a while, so hide the kids. Let's get right to the bile.
100 Consenting Adults. Wife-swapping and murder, sounds good but man does it suck. Pakula hits bottom with this one.
99 Downtown. Awful race-relations movie about two cops. The whitest white boy transfers downtown, and is forced to team up with the hip black guy, and they learn from each other. I swear to God that's the plot.
98 Eating Raoul. Alleged dark comedy about a couple who kills people, cooks them, and serves them up as the secret ingredient in their hip restaurant. Very campy and gay, so if you like campy and gay, here you go. Ha-ha, you're gay now, you're eating Raoul!
97 Week End. No one is bad like bad Godard. I swear, I think he's bad on purpose. I think it's political. I didn't get past the 10 minute traffic jam. 10 minutes of car honking, Jean-Luc. 10 minutes!
96 Guys and Dolls Marlon in the musical. Marlon sings! I guess he sings, I didn't get that far. Mankiewicz's movies, even the good ones, always seem fake to me, theatrical. So when you give him, cripes, a musical to do, forget it. Unwatchable. And I know we're not supposed to say this, but when Brando is bad he's really bad. I bailed after, what? Ten minutes? Twenty?
I like skinny Elvis and fat Marlon. What I'd really like to see is fat Marlon dancing. That would be good.
95 No Mercy. Takes place down on the bye-you. Kim Basinger plays an illiterate Cajun slave girl, and Richard Gere rescues her or some damn thing, from her evil step-daddy. Or husband, or whatever. I can't remember specifics, I blocked it out. Saw the whole damn thing.
94 The Langoliers. Okay, this is the worst Stephen King adaptation ever, and that's saying something. It starts off pretty good, and then goes completely off the rails. And Bronson Pinchot gives possibly the worst acting performance that's ever been given by anybody on a big screen, ever. I kid you not. It is painful to watch. Probably you're not wondering, "what the hell happened to Bronson Pinchot?" But if you are, well, this is the answer.
93 Solo. Mario Van Peebles, as the android who wants a heart. Or something. I'm just a poor little robot but I want to feel! Oh my God, this movie is bad.
92 Mr. Klein. And you thought all the bad movies were American. Ha! Joseph Losey, step right up. You suck!
I know what you're thinking, did I actually watch the whole movie? No, I didn't. As we get further and further into the list, we'll find more and more movies that I abandon, spit upon, and throw up against the wall. This is the first of many. So maybe it got better, after that first horrendous and pointless and extremely crappy and slow ten minutes. I concede the point. Nonetheless, that first ten minutes is so mind-numbingly awful, that I feel confident in multiplying it by nine, concluding it's a suckfest, and moving on. Why waste any more electronic ink and/or emotional bile on the sorry sack of &$)+(!? Exactly. Although if I ever run into Losey in a restaurant I'm spitting in his gazpacho, I know that much. Patooey!
91 Owning Mahoney. Boring.
90 Napoleon Dynamite. Ugh. On a personal level let me just say that I hate this movie because of all the punk-ass children who think it's funny. Which makes me feel, well, old. And clueless. With their Vote for Pedro T-shirts. I just want to smack them. At least nobody gave this movie an Oscar, otherwise I would be like Angry Candy, scaring small children with my hatred and bile. As it is I just silently seethe. Cripes, I don't know if I can get through this list without doing damage to somebody.
89 Remo Williams. Let the adventure begin! Not.
88 Enemy Mine. Okay, I sat through the whole thing. So it can't be that bad, right? Well, let me tell you about it. There's this human, and this alien slime, and they're stuck on this planet together. And they learn to get along! That's the lesson. Why can't we all get along? You, me, and the aliens. I mean, just cause they're war-like creatures who thirst for human blood, doesn't mean we can't be friends. $+@)! PC do-gooders. You can't even hate monsters in space anymore.
87 Mr. Jones. Richard Gere playing the lamest mental illness I've ever seen. I can't even remember what the hell it was, it was so lame. Bi-polar, maybe. He was up and he was down. Or maybe he was depressed? I got bored when he was manic so you can imagine what it was like when he was depressed. Cripes. Autism, now that's a mental illness. Nymphomania. Kleptomania. Anything with mania is good. Bi-polar, cripes. I want to see that, I just hang around my house.
86 8MM. Child porn! Nicolas Cage! Yes! No. Or maybe it was a snuff film? I can't remember. Anyway, he was a private eye and he was hired to track down a movie, cause the daughter was in it, or the sister. Somebody was in it and they had family who was unhappy. Cheery flick for the whole family. I think Disney has optioned the sequel.
Who the hell shoots porn in 8mm anyway?
85 Candleshoe. Speaking of Disney, this is either Disney or inspired by Disney. Starring Jodie Foster, back when she was a tomboy, before she was a lesbian. Or whatever. I know not of what I speak. Anyway, this was a couple of years before she tried out for little league. And she's running around, being chased by some guys. And there's an inheritance. I fell asleep, actually. No hatred here, just zzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
84 Patch Adams. This is the clown doctor movie. Medical student doesn't want to study anatomy and cut up cadavers. He wants to heal with laughter and balloons.
This might have been a good movie if the filmmakers realized that Patch is the bad guy. Just because you're a non-conformist doesn't mean you're right. Maybe there's a reason medical students study anatomy and practice surgery on cadavers. You stupid clown. Bad clown! Bad!
It's all right with me if you cheer up the sick, Patch. That's a good job. Go to clown school. Or, you know, some school where they teach you to be funny. Personally, I think clowns are evil $%+#*!, but opinions differ. But why go to medical school if you don't want to actually practice medicine? That's my point. Nobody wants a clown for a doctor. Hence the expression, "Don't let that clown operate on me." Nobody wants goofy behavior in the operating room, do they? How many clowns can squeeze into the cadaver? That's a question we don't want to know. You buffoon.
83 Until the End of the World. Ugh! Believe me, it takes a long frickin' time to get there.
82 Homeboy. You may be wondering, what the hell happened to Mickey Rourke's career? You probably aren't. But in case you are, well, he wanted to box. But before he wanted to box, he made a boxing movie. And this is it. Homeboy! Here you take one of the most cinematic sporting events of all time--the boxing match--and you still can't make an entertaining movie. Look, he wants to box. Punch him in the head! Make him bleed! I want to see it! God this movie sucked.
81 Getting It Right. Before there was The 40-Year-Old-Virgin, there was this, the 31-year-old virgin. Funny, right? No. It's not.
80 Father of the Bride, Part II. God knows why the hell I saw this movie. I'm pretty damn sure it wasn't my idea. Somebody took me to see it, so it's somebody's fault, but not mine. I knew it would suck. I saw it sucking from miles and miles away. I perhaps did not realize the extent of the suckiness, but I knew ahead of time that we were in the general vicinity of suck. And yet I still saw it. Go figure. Sequel of suck. Who goes to see sequel of suck? Me, apparently.
79 Revenge of the Nerds 2. I should have known to stay away when Anthony Edwards turned down the sequel. I mean, how much money did they throw at him, and it's not like there's a huge demand for his services. What's he going to make, Downtown 2? And yet he still turned down this movie. Yikes. And I still paid money to see it. Twenty years later, the scars remain.
78 The Quest. Jean-Claude Van Damme movie, that's all I remember. Apparently, he's the leader of a group of kiddie thieves who become entangled with a debonair pirate played by Roger Moore. You'd think I'd remember that! Anyway, he's sold into slavery and, you'll be surprised to find, later in the movie there is martial arts fisticuffs. All these Jean-Claude Van Damme movies sorta run together, but kiddie thieves and Roger Moore the pirate. Wow. I have no memory of it. That's how bad it was.
77 Under Capricorn. I remember this piece of crap! Worst Hitchcock movie ever. He's lucky he got to keep making movies after this one. Joseph Cotton, Ingrid Bergman. And still a suckfest. I lasted ten, fifteen minutes tops. Some sort of historical weepy drama. What the hell were you thinking, Hitch? In the Truffaut book he didn't want to talk about it. I bet!
76 Captain Ron. Kurt Russell plays this...I'm sorry. I just can't talk about it. Let's move on.
75 Me and Him. Talking penis movie. I like vulgarity. Vulgarity is funny. You give Jim Carrey or Drew Carrey or Adam Sandler or hell, me, a talking penis, that's funny. This movie? Not funny. Very not funny. I guess the critical thing the filmmakers forgot to think about was what the talking penis was going to say. I don't remember what it was, but whatever it was, not funny. I remember that part very clearly. Urine jokes? Erection jokes? Semi jokes? What the hell would a penis talk about, anyway? Maybe I didn't like the voice of the penis. Anyway, let's move on.
74 Brewster McCloud. Robert Altman has an uneven career. Back when he was doing a lot of drugs, he wasn't what we would call consistent. The Long Goodbye is an awesome flick. McCabe and Mrs. Miller. But most of his '70's output is, uh, not so good. This one is about a boy who lives in the Houston Astrodome. He has a flying machine and the movie has really bad cinematography. That's all I remember. Apparently he has a fairy godmother, too. I don't think I got that far into it. Anyway, you got to be careful with your Altman watching. You pick at random and you're gonna have some unhappiness.
73 Death Wish. I'm sure some of you Death Wish experts will lecture me about how Death Wish IV is much worse than the first one. Or maybe II or III are the bad ones. I wouldn't know. Why does Charles Bronson have a career, anyway? People talk about the 70's being a great decade for movies. I always think, hey, wasn't that the decade when Charles Bronson was making all those movies?
Yo, right-wing filmmakers, here's a clue. You got to have a strong bad guy. You got a strong bad guy, then you got an interesting conflict. You got a bunch of punk bad guys, it's like watching an exterminator spray for bugs or something.
72 The Pawnbroker. Okay! This is our first critically-acclaimed p.o.s. It's about a Holocaust survivor living in New Jersey or New York or some other unpleasant place. And he's got a bunch of unpleasant relatives who are always yelling and being annoying. And he drives to his pawnshop, and there's a lot of unpleasant traffic on the way. And he's real tight with his money, doesn't want to give money to anybody. So he's unpleasant too. And there's this happy-go-lucky Puerto Rican guy who works in the pawnshop. Kind of reminded me of one of those Norman Lear Puerto Ricans you see on television. Chico and the Man, or maybe Julio from next door on Sanford and Son. Always upbeat and happy despite their poverty. "Hola!" he says. And the Puerto Rican is like, "You need to be upbeat like me, hombre! I'm always happy, I think." And I had a vision of what the rest of the movie was going to be like. The Puerto Rican was going to suffer some sort of tragedy, and the Holocaust survivor was going to learn to feel again. He was going to rediscover his humanity. And it was a lesson for all of us. Except for me, cause I was barfing in the toilet.
I know what you're thinking. I quit watching! Maybe the Puerto Rican was an alien from out of space, and there were, like, plot twists. Well, maybe, except I'll never know, unless you kidnap me and force me to watch it with my eyeballs taped open. I $#&*+! hate moral message movies with Moral Message stamped on them in bright blue ink.
71 The Cat and the Canary. Some sort of truly awful silent horror flick that I have erased from my memory.
70 The Principal. I think this has Jim Belushi in it. It's Death Wish meets Mr. Holland's Opus. I wonder how the hell they pitched this thing, anyway? A principal punishes his students?
69 If Lucy Fell. The movie might have been better.
68 Call Northside 777. What's fascinating about this movie is that it has maybe the best actor of the 20th century, Jimmy Stewart, and it's still awful.
67 Supersize Me. A vegetarian goes to McDonald's for a month. Can I just say, if I had to eat vegan for a month I would keel over and die.
66 Expresso Bongo. I quit 10 minutes into it. Bad, bad, and bad.
65 Desperate Measures. Michael Keaton plays this killer who's got rare blood or a rare bone or something that Andy Garcia wants for his sick kid, so there are all these unbelievable and patently ridiculous plot twists that make you throw your shoes at the TV screen. Don't even bother.
64 The Package. The package is some dude that Gene Hackman has to deliver. Only he loses the package. I think package runs away. And then everybody suspects Gene Hackman is the bad guy. So he has to find the package so he can say, "See! I'm not the bad guy. The package is the bad guy." Lame, befuddling and lame.
63 No Highway in the Sky. For the greatest actor in the 20th century, Jimmy Stewart sure made some bad movies. And boy, was he a ham in this one. "Planes go down! I want to get off! Planes go down!"
62 7 Faces of Dr. Lao. I think it was Peter Sellers in this one, but under all that makeup who the hell can tell? Oops, it was Tony Randall. Hey, that's even worse. Anyway, I firmly believe that Caucasians should not play upbeat Puerto Ricans (see evil movie #72), or, in this case, 7 different Asians. Or maybe it was one Asian with seven faces? Do you remember that bizarre Asian Mickey Rooney played in Breakfast in Tiffany's? The ol' squint your eyes and show lots of teeth routine? No wonder the Chinese are sending us poisoned dog food.
61 Making Mr. Right. Feminist movie about how men suck and the only sensitive man is a robot. Some sort of dildo metaphor I guess, but cripes, ladies, what a bad movie.
60 Arthur 2: On the Rocks. Of course the writer and director of Arthur died, but that doesn't stop our wonderful studio from trying to cash in on the sequel. Melodramatic and stupid, they bring the butler back from the dead.
59 The F.B.I. Story. The greatest actor of the 20th century--I swear to God I'm not making this up--finds suck job movie #3 in this love song to J. Edgar Hoover and the galloping G-men. Don't shoot, G-man! Don't shoot.
58 The Birth of a Nation. We're back to Ranting on the Classics. D.W. Griffith gets credit for doing stuff other people were already doing. Kind of like Henry Ford I guess. And hey, both were anti-Semitic! Go Klansman, go Klansman. I suppose he should get credit for making a name for himself. Nonetheless I subtract a zillion points for being the worst screenwriter in the history of the English language. I'm sorry, but if audiences were finding you melodramatic in the 1920's, that's like a serious clue that you suck. I know second graders with a better grasp of subtext. Mr. Griffith, you lame-o, please stay dead.
57 Joe Somebody. That's not me forgetting the title, that's what they actually called the damn thing. Whathisname is challenged to a fight and chickens out, and then he spends the rest of the movie trying to reclaim his manhood. It's like, I dunno, Mickey Spillane for retards.
56 Shout at the Devil. Lee Marvin and Roger Moore. Sounds like it should be good, right? Huh.
55 My Girl. A little love story for Macauley Caulkin with a tragic ending. Awwwwwwwww. Barf. How the hell did I manage to see this, anyway?
54 The Men's Club. Misogynist trifle about a bunch of guys who drink alcohol and bitch about women. That's the plot.
53 Hardly Working. I'm sure by now you're screaming, where's the Jerry Lewis! I'm getting to it. Let me first say that I like Lewis, his stuff with Tashlin in particular is good. Both Way...Way Out and Artists and Models are excellent, I truly dig The Nutty Professor, and The Bellboy is a high work of art. Having said that, when Jerry Lewis is bad, boy that's some annoying +). This is his comeback movie, he was a little old-in-the-tooth for it. He's probably done a half dozen more annoying movies, but this one is just embarrassing. You're embarrassed for him, and you just want it to be over, and you want him to go home. Sad.
52 Cemetery Man. Rupert Everett stars in this homage, I guess, to the Italian horror film doofus, Dario Argento. So it's, like, quadruply bad. They say comedy doesn't export very well, but cripes, Rupert speaks English. Anyway, zombies, bad cutting, amateur hour, very boring.
51 The Last American Virgin. One scene I remember is that everybody loses their virginity with this hot Mexican senorita. Well, almost everybody. First, the good looking kid loses his virginity. Then, the really fat kid loses his virginity. "Yes! My big burrito!" she kept saying. I swear to God. "Ooo, ooo, my big burrito!" And he was really naked, too. The whitest, palest, nakedest, fattest white kid you ever saw. And then, before the Last American Virgin got his turn--her boyfriend or husband or whoever came home, so they all had to run. And then they had crabs in school the next day. So, that's a lesson. And then the Last American Virgin pays for an abortion for the girl of the good-looking kid, and then at a party she hooks up with the good-looking kid again, instead of the virgin. It's a Last American Virgin tragedy! What a bad movie. Tom Cruise did one of these with Shelly Long, it was like the Last American Virgin Goes to Mexico. This one stars, I dunno, some loser with funky lips.
50 Thunder Road. Robert Mitchum as a fast driving bootlegger. Sounds really cool, right? That's what I thought! Huh. You've been warned.
49 Cobra. Sylvestor Stallone and one of his wives. Brigitte, I think. She was kinda hot, now she's not. Did you know Stallone wrote the screenplay for Rocky? That's a good movie. Boy, this is a bad movie. He plays a guy who drives around in a Cobra. Gosh, what if he was driving a Japanese car? Sylvestor Stallone stars in Accord.
48 Barbarosa. I fell asleep in this movie. Willie Nelson plays, well, Willie Nelson. And I think he's a cowboy or a...something. And Gary Busey, maybe? This was before he cracked his head and the IRS was suing Willie. Back in the good ol' days, I guess. Anyway, they were bad guys, or good guys maybe. They rode horses, I remember that part. And it's bad, I remember it being very, very bad.
47 The Servant. Losey, you still suck.
46 Cinderfella. I lasted 2 minutes on this one. It's possible this is one of Jerry Lewis' winners, but you know, I'm not going to test that theory. "Cinderfella! Cinderfella!" Dear God. You know, Jerry Lewis having a sex change, that might be funny.
45 Fearless Vampire Killers. I gave this one maybe half an hour, which is very generous and optimistic. I figure, Polanski, he's got talent. Course, he also made Cul-de-sac, which is a smoking pile, but at least that movie looks good. This movie looks awful, the cutting is ridiculous, the humor is missing. You remember that seriously not funny British comic known as Benny Hill? This movie is kinda like that, except even not funnier. Maybe if he had Leslie Nielson or George Hamilton or, I dunno, somebody with comic timing, they could have made a funny little vampire movie. Or at least a mediocre one. I don't think Polanski ever attempted a comedy again, which is good.
44 The Grateful Dead. The Grateful Dead are nice hippie people and they let seriously untalented jack-offs hijack their name and issue crap under their name. This unbelievably annoying movie starts with Grateful Dead music, then they fade the music out. So you can watch the "cool" visual effects. Which completely suck. I guess they figured seriously stoned people might not notice the music quit playing. What they ought to call it is the Seriously Untalented Filmmaker Who Does a Classic Bait and Switch to Get Potheads and Other Unsuspecting Innocents to Watch His Lame-Ass and Moronic Vision With Crappy Sounds That Is Not Anything Like Grateful Dead Music Movie. Dudes, play the records. If you need visual stimulation, draw with crayons. You'll have more fun and it will look cooler, I promise.
43 The Wild Life. Cameron Crowe wrote this screenplay. That's astounding, because this is awful. Chris Penn is wild and crazy and....oh, I'm going to stop right there.
42 Screamers. Bad Peter Weller sci-fi flick. I'm not sure Peter Weller ever made a good sci-fi flick, actually, but this is a phenomally bad movie. I guess Robocop was kinda funny. "Must not move jaw. Must not move jaw." Weller was always doing rehashed versions of The Terminator or Alien, and I guess he's everybody's ninth choice as a sci-fi lead. Can't act? Play half a robot! Anyway, this is a fairly original sci-fi movie, which, unfortunately, means it's one of the worst things I've ever seen. There's something to be said for rehashed mediocrity when the alternative is asinine boredom.
41 The Last Starfighter. Robert Preston gives me hives.
40 Congo. I dig Michael Crichton. Spielberg's version of Jurassic Park is a lot of fun, a corker of a movie. Barry Levinson's version of Disclosure is pretty good. The films Crichton directed himself pretty much suck. But this movie, directed by Frank Marshall, is the pits.
39 Grace Quigley. I think this was Katherine Hepburn's last movie. If you thought she looked old in On Golden Pond, well, take that movie, and add a couple of decades. She's old, man. She's very, very old. And Nick Nolte plays a hit man. If I remember right, he's assigned to kill her, but decides that he loves her. I remember thinking, oh God, please don't have sex. Please. Maybe they become hit men together? Seems like I remember they became hit men together. Hit people? Anyway, assassins and senior moments.
38 Over the Top. I don't think I actually saw this movie. I think I was flipping channels one day. And there was Sly, in the arm-wrestling tournament. With his hat on backwards, to give him strength. I saw maybe a few seconds of it. Which is unfair, I suppose, to rank it as the 38th worst movie of all time. On the other hand, it's a frickin' arm-wrestling movie. With arm wrestlers.
37 Body of Evidence. Madonna. Willem Dafoe. Have sex. Uck.
36 The Favor. Brad Pitt movie before he was Brad Pitt. I guess this was right after his chicken suit gig. Brad Pitt, if you don't know, used to wear a chicken suit for a Mexican restaurant. He would stand out on the street and cluck at people. That's a bad gig. This movie is a step down from that.
35 If... Supposedly a classic but I find that hard to believe. Criterion made a version of it, but cripes they sell versions of Michael Bay too. You want to be a Criterion completist, you're gonna see some crap. This movie is retarded. "I'm an unhappy adolescent and I want to shoot everyone. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA" That's pretty much the plot. This movie and The Principal need to get together and work out their authority issues together.
34 Forget Paris. Billy Crystal and Debra Winger. I think a feminist once made a documentary, she was asking why smart actors like Debra Winger can't find work any more. And I think her thesis was that men like young pretty women, not old smart women. And, you know, men suck. And while this is true, you could also argue that people who make #&+)! like this don't particularly deserve to have film careers. Of course, Billy Crystal still has a career, sort of, but at least he's funny, sort of.
33 The World of Henry Orient. Okay, this is the one where Peter Sellers is the Asian. No, wait, I think he's white in this one. Anyway, it's another one I've obviously blocked out, but it definitely sucks. I remember that part.
32 The Boyfriend. Boy, Ken Russell makes some bad movies. How could one man screw up the Who so badly? And did you see that damn thing with Anthony Perkins and Kathleen Turner? Perkins was this crazy preacher. Imagine casting Anthony Perkins as a crazy guy. Boy, that's original. I think at this point in his career Perkins couldn't play anything but crazy. Maybe he is crazy? Crimes of Passion, that's what it was called. Very theatrical, everybody over-acts, Russell is clueless about subtext and film acting. It's a pretty bad movie, but not bad enough to be on this list. That's how selective this list is. Anyway, The Boyfriend is Ken Russell's worst movie, hands down. It stars Twiggy, and there's no reason you should know who that is, but if you do, it's not your fault, it's this damn stupid culture we find ourselves in. Let me tell you, the 14th century sucked--at least, that's what I read, sounded pretty bad--but at least they didn't have Twiggy. And Madonna. People with one names can bite me. You know you have two names, you big liar. Anyway, Ken Russell usually has freaky and cool set designs, at least. Theatrical and fake as hell, but cool. This movie, aside from the Twiggy factor, has lame and boring set designs. So there's literally no reason to watch it. It's Tommy, except without the Who, without Tina Turner, without cool set designs, and with Twiggy. So stay away, people.
31 The Fly II. Eric Stoltz had a nice little indy movie career there for a while. I guess this was his move into the majors? Anyway, what a misfire. Horrible special effects, bad writing, bad acting, bad directing. Even the grips suck on this one. One of the worst sequels, ever.
30 Meet the Applegates. You remember a movie called Heathers? Good movie. Anyway, the filmmaker who made that movie took his 15 minutes of fame and used it to get this film made. I bet the screenplay had been sitting in his closet for a couple of decades. Anyway, Ed Begley Jr. stars as one of the Applegates, who, if I remember right, is a giant bug pretending to be human. You don't want to meet the Applegates, you really don't.
29 Three Men and a Little Lady. Bad sequels probably should have their own list. Anyway, the baby from the first movie grows up, becomes a little lady. And there's some sort of plot, people running around. I think there is a castle. Takes place in Europe, maybe?
28 Lawnmower Man. Whoa, this movie reeks. Nothing says bad like bad sci-fi.
27 Caddyshack II. A screenplay so pisspoor that Rodney Dangerfield turned it down. "I got no respect but even with no respect I got too much respect for this crap." The worst sequel ever made, ever, which is saying something.
26 Robin and Marian. Okay, I have strong opinions on Robin Hood. Robin Hood should be fun. He's merry, damn it. You remember that Kevin Costner movie where he's moping around, all old and tired? "Look, I just got back from the Crusades, and I'm tired, damn it." You remember that one? Okay, take that Robin Hood, close your eyes, think of that Robin Hood, he's Sean Connery, and he's bald. And he's old. And he's so damn tired. Now you take Marian and make her old. And I don't want to go on another old age rant but cripes. Watching this movie is like listening to old people talk about their joints. Forget it. It's not a movie. It's not entertaining. If I'm going to listen to old people for two hours I want credit for it as a good deed. And god this movie is slow. They should have made it French with subtitles it's so damn slow. On Golden Pond was zippy and cool compared to this.
25 McQ. I didn't realized I hated old people until I started making my list-o-hate. Okay, this is old John Wayne, and he's very old. And fat. And he's trying to be Clint Eastwood. So you have to pretend that this old, fat, stupid American is scary and tough and mean. Cripes, he's fatter than Elvis. McQ? What the +&@)!& kind of Irish name is that? It's like watching Willie Mays try to catch when he's 65. Just stop already.
24 Cadence. Martin Sheen and his children work through their issues on the big screen.
23 Bad Boys. This is not actually the Michael Bay movie, which is bad enough. This is the Rick Rosenthal movie. Sean Penn goes to juvie. And he ought to, with that hair.
22 Fool For Love. Bad Altman again. Based on a Sam Shepard play, starring Sam Shepard and Kim Basinger. It's a motel love triangle. Okay, if Kim Basinger was my sister, I'd still probably want her. Sure. I can see that part. But why would she want me? I mean, she could have anybody, right? I just don't get all this whiny depression. And, let me ask, if Sam Shepard didn't write sexy parts for himself, how many sexy parts would he get, anyway? I know I'm supposed to suspend my disbelief, but Kim Basinger pining away for Sam Shepard, come on.
You know what I'd like to see? Britney and K-Fed. Now that's a movie. If Kim Basinger's character shaves her head and checks herself into rehab, then okay, I believe she's depressed. But if you're just hanging around, mildly depressed, what the hell kind of depression is that? Depressing, that's what. I say push the mental illness. Make 'em bald and crazy. If they keep their hair, I'm sorry, I got no sympathy.
And I don't care what you say, bald Britney is totally hot. I want her. But that wig? Ugh. I just want to re-arrange it on her head. I just want to move her wig around, use it for a head mop or something.
21 Electric Dreams. Nerd and his computer and, uh, bad songs. I think the computer tries to take over the world or something? In a good way? I can't remember. Anyway, all the computers work together and save the day. Yea, technology. Starring somebody.
20 Monsieur Hire. No clue. Apparently it's a bad French movie.
19 Nostalghia. Okay, Tarkovsky. I was assigned this movie for class. I was being graded on it. And I still fell asleep. I looped myself up beforehand with sugar and caffeine, knowing I was watching Tarkovsky, and not just Tarkovsky but one of his long ones. (And they're all long, brother, believe me). So I'm heavily stimulated and I still fell asleep. Twice. My classmates woke me up, because I was snoring. All I remember is that damn a-hole walking back and forth with that damn candle. Some people find this meaningful, apparently. The candle's about to go out! I just want to smack everybody. He's walking back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. With the candle. I fall asleep. I snore. I wake up. He's still walking with the damn candle! It must have been a 10 minute candle walk, I swear to God.
If I was on that set I would so tackle that mother$+&@). I got not patience for candle-walkers and the people who love them.
18 The Front Page. Okay, so His Girl Friday is one of the most brilliant screwball comedies ever. Probably the most brilliant. So Billy Wilder--who, by the way, started sucking when he got old, just an observation--decides to remake the film, just like the stage version, with two men. Why, Billy? Why? It's unwatchable, and the cinematography is dreary. There have been four versions of this material at least, and this is, far and away, the worst. At least, the first ten minutes is the worst, I quit watching in disgust.
17 Freeway Reese Witherspoon as a skanky hitchhikin' ho and Kiefer Sutherland as a demented psychologist. Mean and hateful little film, makes you want to take a bath.
16 The Wilby Conspiracy. Well-intentioned suckfest about apartheid. Michael Caine is accidentally handcuffed to Sidney Poitier and they must Learn to Get Along. Stanley Kramer did this a lot better in The Defiant Ones. Look, if you're going to make a message movie, at least be competent. You're competing with Nazi propaganda (Triumph of the Will--which, by the way, stole all its amazing cinematic tricks from Busby Berkeley musicals), Communist propaganda, all kinds of evil propaganda. So if you're going to make propaganda for the good guys, at least be competent. It's embarrassing when you put forth a half-ass, pathetic effort like this. I'm anti-apartheid and you're anti-apartheid. But you suck. Which makes me feel bad, you anti-apartheid p.o.s.
15 And the Ship Sails On. Bad, Fellini, bad! It's like he's showing you home movies or something, about this very boring ship ride. Luckily, he wasn't in the room with me, forcing me to watch it. God, could you imagine? "And here is when we board the ship. And here is when we stand and wave." Luckily, since Mr. Fellini wasn't in the room with me, forcing me to watch it, I was able to turn it off and keep my sanity.
14 Finnegan Begin Again. This is one of the first HBO movies, with my favorite actor, Robert Preston. He's playing this old guy named Finnegan. And whenever something bad happens to him, he says, "Finnegan, begin again!" That's really all you need to know, I think.
13 Broken Blossoms or The Yellow Man and the Girl. W.D. Griffith, still trying to prove he's not a racist, makes this horrible melodramatic film about a suffering Chinaman-- Stop.
12 The Kid With the 200 I.Q.. Whatcha talkin' about Willis? Here Gary Coleman plays a kid going to college. Have you seen Gary Coleman recently? I'm not saying Gary Coleman is old, although, now that I mention it, bald Gary Coleman is scary, man.
But even before he went bald, the cuteness faded. It seems kind of crazy to say you're too old at 15, but I kinda think he was.
Anyway, in the movie, he's not hitting on girls or drinking or any of those other college type activities, or even high school type activities. He's like a kid who wants to study and that's all he wants to do. Not to say I’m smarter than a kid with a 200 I.Q., but I think that’s kind of retarded. Also, the way he wore his backpack drove me crazy. I lasted 10 minutes, tops. And I can sing the song to Different Strokes. No, wait, that's Facts of Life.
11 The Over the Hill Gang Rides Again. I know what you're thinking. You think I'm going to say, "There are a lot of seriously old farts in this movie." Which is true, by the way. But that's not my complaint. I knew that going in. The damn thing is called The Over the Hill Gang Rides Again. It's not like they used false advertising to suck me in. Although, if you think about it, Walter Brennan was pretty damn old when he made Rio Bravo in 1959. So add a couple decades and that's a seriously old man. But I'm not complaining about that. The point I'd like to stress here is that Walter Brennan cannot carry a movie by himself. And I love the cranky old coot. But cripes this movie is bad. He's not even cranky, really. He's just senile and...old.
Okay, I'm an ageist. I had no idea, I swear.
Now we're really getting down to the bile.
10 Cabin Boy. I should admit up front that I've only seen about seven minutes of it. So it's possible that--no, scratch that. These filmmakers should die. Tolerance is overrated. Kill them all.
9 The Believers. I think I saw the whole thing. Seriously bad horror film with Martin Sheen. Dude, it's worse than Cabin Boy, come on.
8 Ten Days Wonder. This is a French movie with Orson Welles, directed by Claude Chabrol, who made The Bridesmaid and other cool flicks. So it's got to be a good movie, right? Uh-huh. Let me just point out that at this point in his career, Welles was making 30-second commercials for Gallo wine. "We will sell no wine, before it's time." And let me tell you, I would rather sit through 180 of those commercials in a row, than try to watch this #&+%! piece of flaming $&+)! again. And listen, I love French movies, the French rock. But when they suck, hands down, they're the worst on the planet. As you shall see.
7 Ilsa, Harem Keeper of the Oil Sheiks. Soft porn, really lame soft porn. You're probably wondering, hey, how come there's no porn on this list? Actually, there should be, Devon made this really crappy one. Should I go back and add bad porn? But even bad porn is pretty good. Or, at least, useful. But bad soft porn? All the production values of the porn industry with none of the sex. Yea! I think Satan invented soft porn.
6 The Pampatus of Love. I watched the whole thing. So it's a good enough movie to cause me 90 minutes of increasing unhappiness, pain, and irritation. Lots of movies announce their suckiness right away, allowing you to escape relatively unharmed before you've made any sort of commitment. But this diabolical p.o.s., apparently inspired by a stupid lyric in a stupid song, kept me on the hook for an increasingly desperate and mean 90 minutes. It's so awful, and yet I watch the whole thing. Damn you, Pampatus of Love. Damn you to hell.
5 The Ninth Configuration. Some people think William Peter Blatty is a genius. I am not one of those people. I think he is a suckwad. If I had to prosecute him for cinematic crimes, this would be Exhibit A. J'accuse! And no, I didn't it make it past the first reel. Dude, I don't even know how long a reel is, but I didn't get there.
4 Cyborg. Bad science-fiction with bad cinematography and Jean-Claude Van Damme. Do not confuse this with Universal Soldier, which is pretty good. Or, at least, comfortably mediocre. We are miles and miles below Universal Soldier. We are beneath bad Charles Bronson. We are closing in on the worst movie ever made. And no martial arts! At least, not in the few minutes I sat through.
3 The Lonely Lady. More soft porn. Pia Zadora soft porn. Who? Well, she's no Robert Preston, let me tell you. Actually, now that I think about it, in Victor/Victoria Robert Preston doesn't suck. I guess I should confess here. Sometimes I find myself saying, "Trouble. With a capital T and that rhymes with P and that stands for pool." God knows why I say it, it's just another reason to hate Robert Preston, but I do. Damn you, Robert Preston. Anyway, Robert Preston is Olivier compared to Pia Zadora. Not to digress, but on the other hand who the hell wants to talk about The Lonely Lady--look, I was desperate and 14 and real porn wasn't available to me--but I don't think Olivier is Olivier. What I mean is, he's a great stage actor, but overrated as a film actor. Not in Michael Caine's class, for example. Sure, he's a great Nazi, but other than that, what's Olivier known for? Hammy Shakespeare.
Of course, he's the best Nazi ever, which is like saying you're the best bad guy ever. He played him afraid, and it's brilliant stuff. "Is it safe?!?" You take Olivier out of Marathon Man and that movie sucks. My theory on this is that Dustin Hoffman pissed Olivier off, with all his Method stuff, so Olivier is like, I'm gonna kick your ass, Method boy. So he gave us an insanely great film performance. His first and only, I think, but still great.
2 Hardware. 10 minutes. Sci-fi. Bad. Really, really bad. You're probably saying to yourself, hey, they can't all be bad. Tastes differ. No. Not when we get down this low. Not when we're in the sewer. Tastes do not differ in the sewer. Unless you're a sewer rat or something. Human beings do not like this movie. I say this with confidence. If you like this movie, do not speak to me. And stay away from small children.
1 Irreversible. And here it is. The worst movie ever made. French. Art. Movie. I saw it on the big screen, which just magnifies the suck, intensifies it. I'll try to describe it.
Let's start with the awful buzzing sounds. The sound effect of an annoying fly. Weird sounds. I'm being annoyed by weird sounds. Camera swerving, this way and that. Fat, naked man. Tripod! Camera needs to sit on tripod! Plot is moving backwards. Backwards. Sdrawkcab rof on 'nikcuf nosaer. Or, should I say, !nosaer 'nikcuf on rof sdrawkcaB It's like Memento for retards. In French. The buzzing will not stop. Tripod! Put camera! On tripod! Nauseous. Stomach heaving. I already know about the 10-minute sodomy rape scene, coming up, looking forward to it. Nauseous! Ambulance. Reminds me I feel sick. Going into the gay club now. Steadicam. Dolly. Anything. Somebody hit the cameraman on the head with a large stick. Please! Swallow the vomit. Swallow it. Don't eat the popcorn. Cannot watch, cannot stay. Unspeakably bad. Stream of conscious bile. Hatred for all humanity. No, that's not right. Hatred is a word for better films. I'm past hatred, past anger. I've gone to a place beyond the dark side. It's a place filled with bile and regurgitated pretension. No, wait. I still want to smack people. It's hard to describe my emotions, actually. Tripod! Tripod! And turn off the sound.
Needless to say, I got no stars for this movie. Closer to my feelings would be to hunt the filmmakers down and poke their eyes out with a stick. I guess that sounds a little harsh to you people who haven't seen it. You, the lucky ones. I hate you too.
And that's it, my list o' hatred and bile. Yea! Now I'm gonna go play with puppy dogs or babies or something. Watch a musical. A musical where Robert Preston will not be singing, or dancing. Actually, a cannibal movie, where they cook Robert Preston, while he's in drag, and the cannibals are singing and dancing? That might be good.
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