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Author: ArtRimbaud Big red star, 1000 posts Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: of 44390  
Subject: A VERY VERY VERY Long Confession Date: 4/25/2001 10:17 PM
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This is very long. But then again, what else is new.

I have some things I would like to say. This is more for me than it is for anyone else. I have been debating whether or not I should say these things for some time now. I was unsure as to how it would be received. I didn't want folks thinking I was whining or searching for attention or anything. Then I could just never find the right time. And to be honest, as I'm typing this, I'm still not sure if I should be doing this.

Those of you on this board last year will remember my (other very very long) post “So Long, And Thanks For All The Fish” Here's the link.

http://boards.fool.com/Message.asp?mid=13245347&sort=postdate

It had been an eight year dream for me to study here at the London School of Economics. The most prestigious Social Science institution in the world. And I couldn't believe I had made it. I am in a 1 year program, called a Diploma in Economics. There are 15 of us here, from all over the world. 3 Americans including myself, Israel, Latvia, Thailand, Germany, Russia, etc. To give you an idea of the level of the education here, 35% is a passing grade. If we get 60% on all four classes, we are accepted into the 1 year Master's program. If you get 70%, you are awarded an Honor of Distinction. Presidents have studied here. World leaders, Nobel Laureates, even President Bartlett from The West Wing. <g> And now me.

What was even more unbelievable was that I felt like I could do well. The first half went by in a flash, and I was really proud of myself for what I accomplished. When I left London for Christmas with the folks, I was sad. I wanted to get back to school ASAP.

I returned to London in the beginning of January, a few days before the term was set to begin. The first day of classes went ok, a bit tough getting back in the swing of getting up early, but nothing major. The next day, and for the next two weeks pretty much, I couldn't get myself out my door. Some days, I could barely get the energy to get out of bed. I didn't eat. I didn't wash. I didn't dress. I felt like I had run into a brick wall of sorts. And I was petrified to leave my apartment. Even to go buy food, or drop off laundry. I would only venture out when it became imperative for me to eat.

After missing classes and some major assignments, I started to get back on track. I met with all my professors as well as the director of the program, and they were all supportive. I slowly began to catch up on the work, but it was going to be tough. I had a few setbacks here and there, but I thought I could do it. To help, I started seeing a counselor at the Student Health Center. This helped a great deal, because it seemed that a lot of students were going through the same thing.

But it turned out I wasn't doing better. I was only fooling myself. And eventually, I couldn't fool myself anymore. I had a minor breakdown in mid-February, and I hit my low on Sunday Feb 18th. When I had a knife in front of me, ready to do myself in. I was going to slice my wrists open. It was a very scary moment. I started crying, more out of fear than anything else. I knew I had to get on the phone with someone, but who? I picked up the knife and threw it out of my sight, and I called some friends back in the States, but nobody was home. I eventually got a good friend of mine, RMC1720, on the phone, and he and I talked for about 2 hours. I cried some more, told him what was going on, and eventually we were talking about movies and baseball. The next day, I went to see a doctor and two days later I was diagnosed with clinical depression and was put on medication.

I continued with the counselor, but I was never able to go to another class. For all intents and purposes, my career at LSE was finished on Feb 18th. I couldn't believe it, and I felt as horrible about myself as I possible could. I was ashamed for what had happened. I felt like if I went to class, everyone would know what I was going through, that I wasn't cutting it, like I was wearing some Scarlet Letter. Worse, I didn't know how I was going to explain all this to my family and friends back home who were all counting on me and so excited for me that I was here.

Well, I certainly found out who my real friends were. And I also found out the true value in family. I can't tell you how supportive they have been, especially my father, with whom I've never really gotten along. The few people I told were all so great to me, I can't even tell you. And I will be forever grateful to them.

If you look back, you will see a gap in my posting. I stopped in mid-Feb for a time, then returned slowly. This was the reasoning behind my name change, among other, deeper meanings, behind the choice of the name. Eventually, the boards became a sort of therapy for me. A way to connect to the outside world when I was too afraid to do it in person. And some may say I take the boards too seriously, that I see them as life or death. But in a way, they are for me. I live here by myself, with my friends and family thousands of miles away in another country. I might as well be a Cast Away. The boards were my volley ball. (Still haven't seen that movie.) They kept me going. I would get out of bed to see what was up on the boards, and I would stay in front of the computer until I went to bed. Without the boards, I would have felt 100 times worse.

I'm doing ok now, I think. The counseling continues. I'll probably be on medication for a while. The suicide thoughts are there, but not like before. But truth be told, they've been there every day for about 10 years, I just hid it well. While the rest of LSE is now preparing for finals, I'm preparing to go back home. I'll be moving back in with my parents, and I'll find a therapist there. I won't be able to work, not at first at least. I still have trouble getting myself out of bed in the morning. Sometimes, it takes me an hour just to get the energy to make a cup of instant coffee. I forget to eat, I can't fall asleep at night, I have panic attacks sometimes, and I am still sometimes afraid to go outside. I may go a week without seeing or talking to another human being. And that's the worst part.

There is some good news though. The school wants me to return next year, without having to reapply. The director said I was one of the strongest students in the program, and wants me back as well. And it turns out that one of the people in the program this year went through this last year, and has now returned.

I've made a new friend, GolightlyCat, who has been so incredibly supportive it's amazing. She's helped me more than I can say.

My sister, pandtmack, has joined me here on TMF, to see what this part of my life is like. And we've had a lot of fun with it so far. You can find her exclusively at my very own board, The Life of Brian.

I would like to thank retirecom, for giving me some inspirational help through email and AIM. It was a great help having someone to listen to me and try to help out.

I also have to thank CindyC72. She would chat with me throughout each and every day on AIM, keeping me company and making sure I was eating and laughing. And was there for me when I needed to hear a voice on the phone. She helped me through some of the worst of it.

Finally, I have to thank someone else. But out of respect for them, I'll keep them nameless. It's ok, though, because they know who they are. But I owe more to this person than anything. They stayed up with me, to all hours of the night sometimes, and even some early morning calls, listening to me cry, bich about what a bad student I was, put up with my moods, made me laugh when I needed it, made me think when I needed that, and was just an all around good friend. And believe me, it wasn't easy being my friend through it. And sure, it caused some problems at times. But, we work through it, and find a happy medium. That's all we can do sometimes. So, to this person, thank you so very much. I don't think I will ever be able to repay you for that. And no matter what happens, no matter where I end up, no matter where you end up, I will never forget how you helped. Thank you.

I don't want anyone to worry. I'm ok. And I probably shouldn't have revealed all this. I feel like people are going to think of me as a freak now or something. But it's part of my trying to come to grips that it's not the end of the world. I felt like I was hiding from you all, and I wasn't sure how I was going to explain things should I see any of you again. I don't want to be treated differently on the boards. Keep in mind, this has been going on since January, and the worst of it is over. Continue to joke with me, disagree with me, call me on my stupidity, whatever. I'm going to be fine. I know in my heart that I will beat this, just as I know in my heart that I can succeed here at LSE.

I'm doing what I need to do to get better. And I'm going out more, trying to enjoy my last days in London. My friends are all looking forward to my return, and so am I.

Sorry for this incredibly long and boring post. I needed to say it. I hope you can understand that. And that you don't think I'm being too self-indulgent or anything. I just didn't want to be ashamed anymore.

I'm getting better, slowly. And as I said, be not afraid of growing slowly, but be afraid of standing still.

Now if I can just get the courage to hit that submit button. <g> I just may end up pulling this later on. Still not sure about telling everyone.

Ok, take a breath, count to three...hit it.

Peace, love, and soul

-b.



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Author: cosmos284 Big red star, 1000 posts Old School Fool Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: 26105 of 44390
Subject: Re: A VERY VERY VERY Long Confession Date: 4/25/2001 10:45 PM
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Thanks for sharing, glad you're on the track to recovery. I noticed a change in the frequency of your postings and yet very little or no mention of classes, your illness makes sense in the context. I, as a reader and infrequent poster on this board, feel honored that you trust us enough to post something so personal.

The school wants me to return next year

I'm glad that you will still be able to follow your dream and return to the LSE.


Take care,
Cosmos


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Author: ArtRimbaud Big red star, 1000 posts Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: 26111 of 44390
Subject: Re: A VERY VERY VERY Long Confession Date: 4/25/2001 11:20 PM
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I'm glad that you will still be able to follow your dream and return to the LSE.


Take care,
Cosmos


So am I, believe me! <g> I'm not positive I'll return. It really depends on how I do with things. Michigan and Duke still want me to attend their programs, as do Boston Univ and Tufts. So I have some options. But having the door still open here was a huge relief.

Thanks, Cosmos. I appreciate your comments.

-b.


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Author: GolightlyCat Big red star, 1000 posts Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: 26115 of 44390
Subject: Re: A VERY VERY VERY Long Confession Date: 4/26/2001 4:24 AM
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b

Well, you might not believe it, but it's been a pleasure.

Z
glad for the friendship

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Author: Ascalon Big gold star, 5000 posts Old School Fool Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: 26116 of 44390
Subject: Re: A VERY VERY VERY Long Confession Date: 4/26/2001 5:05 AM
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b,

Your posts are always good but particular respect to you for that one, for your clarity and your honesty. That was very real and I think your experiences will have touched echoes for everyone reading.

Peace, growth and joy in return to you,

Ascalon


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Author: GolightlyCat Big red star, 1000 posts Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: 26117 of 44390
Subject: Re: A VERY VERY VERY Long Confession Date: 4/26/2001 5:19 AM
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And b.

I am craving Chinese food. Please keep Saturday night free. No excuses.

Z
bully

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Author: scotaku Big red star, 1000 posts Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: 26122 of 44390
Subject: Re: A VERY VERY VERY Long Confession Date: 4/26/2001 9:46 AM
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ArtRimbaud is already one of your Favorite Fools


Brian,

For openers, I've not been on the boards very long and I already thought you were a freak. Clearly you're a trusting, sensitive, educated, and sensible freak... much like many other people in the world, and several of them drop by once in a while and become friends. I hope some of them think the same of me. My point is, we're not that different. Throughout the existence of Man, not a single emotion has ever been felt by one person with no one to relate to. We all go through tough times in our lives. You've just been brave enough to admit you need some help getting by and courageous enough to act on it.

As for feeling Cast Away (terrible movie imho, skip it), I wholeheartedly encourage you to just stop and re-read your own post. You've not been lost! Your friends, your family, your colleagues... they've all been right there. Don't let the lonliness tempt you again. You're never far from the love that these (and more) have for you. Nor are you so removed as to prevent your own caring and friendship to be felt by them. Spraypaint it on a wall if you have to, but don't let yourself forget. IMs, long distance, email, the Atlantic Ocean... none of that can separate you.

Thank you for being so honest in such a public forum. I'm sure a lot of others have felt overwhelmed too at times... I know I have.

- Sco

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Author: TheExpertNovice Big red star, 1000 posts Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: 26123 of 44390
Subject: Re: A VERY VERY VERY Long Confession Date: 4/26/2001 9:59 AM
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b,

Glad to hear you are starting to do better. You are a great guy, and that's what your real friends in both life and cyber-life care about.
I'm also glad to hear you have the option of going back to LSE or enrolling in one of the U.S programs if that is what you want.

Take the summer off if you can, relax and think about what you want to do. Also think about and talk about in the counseling if there are any root causes of the depression. Maybe London just isn't the right kind of place for you. Or maybe grad school just isn't you thing.
Even though I had fine grades, from a top school as an undergraduate I never had any desire to get to a level where I would really need to study. So I would definitely be making a ton of more money if I went to a top 25 MBA program, but I would rather do with less money and a more relaxed lifestyle.

I think you are prolly different than me, so that when you do think it over returning to school may be your best option. But don't lock yourself into that if it isn't right for you.
Be very careful with the medications a lot of them can do a lot more harm than good if combined with a few beers. Discuss that with the doctor before they write the prescription if you think going a few weeks or months w/out alcohol will bother you. I know when I needed to stay off any alcohol for a month one time, it was more difficult than I thought.
Things will work out, although it may take some time.
Best to you, TEN

P.S. Love your original post, however if you feel like it contains maybe a little bit more than you want on the public record have Tippy pull it, everyone will understand.


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Author: plaidprincess Big gold star, 5000 posts Old School Fool Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: 26124 of 44390
Subject: Re: A VERY VERY VERY Long Confession Date: 4/26/2001 10:02 AM
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Spraypaint it on a wall if you have to, but don't let yourself forget.

My own confession...albeit a minor one...

In high school, we had this one motivational speaker that focused her speech on the phrase, "You are good stuff."

On a down day, when I realize I need to kick myself in the butt, I've been known to write (ok, so until now I'm the only one who knew), "I AM GOOD STUFF!" on my bathroom mirror with lipstick.

It's better than thinking, "Man, this sucks..." over and over...this week, it's in purple. =)

Hey, I gotta do what I gotta do. Now, I gotta find the Windex.

Plaidy...good stuff, by golly

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Author: ArtRimbaud Big red star, 1000 posts Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: 26125 of 44390
Subject: Re: A VERY VERY VERY Long Confession Date: 4/26/2001 10:06 AM
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Your posts are always good but particular respect to you for that one, for your clarity and your honesty. That was very real and I think your experiences will have touched echoes for everyone reading.

Peace, growth and joy in return to you,

Ascalon


Thanks, dude. Not long ago folks were talking about depression and therapy and stuff on this board, and I kept quiet. I wasn't ready to share it yet. And I feel bad, because I know I felt better when I found out other students were going through it.

Funny story, when I went to the Graduate Office, to defer my standing at the school, the form asked "Why are you leaving?" I didn't know what to put, so I called the guy over and basically told him the truth and asked his opinion. His response?

"Yea, the same thing happened to me when I was doing my degree. Just tell them the truth, they'll understand. It happens all the time here."

Anyway, I figured maybe if I share what I was and still am going through, it might help someone else. And it might help me to face it and not be ashamed of it.

-b.


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Author: ArtRimbaud Big red star, 1000 posts Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: 26126 of 44390
Subject: Re: A VERY VERY VERY Long Confession Date: 4/26/2001 10:07 AM
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And b.

I am craving Chinese food. Please keep Saturday night free. No excuses.

Z
bully



Ow, ow, ow, stop twisting my arm. Ok, I'll go. Hey, let's get some of that crunchy duck stuff again. That was delish.

-b.

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Author: ArtRimbaud Big red star, 1000 posts Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: 26128 of 44390
Subject: Re: A VERY VERY VERY Long Confession Date: 4/26/2001 10:13 AM
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Brian,

For openers, I've not been on the boards very long and I already thought you were a freak. Clearly you're a trusting, sensitive, educated, and sensible freak...


LOL! Fair enough, dude. So maybe being a freak ain't so bad. :)

When I finally came clean to my sister about what I was going through, which was only a week or so ago, we laughed about my "freakishness." We decided that I must just be a super genious. You know how the really smart and deep people in history always seemed to be depressed? Like they were trying to solve the world's problems, and it made them nuts. And that's me. I'm just so smart, I couldn't help but be depressed! <g>

Considering I'm usually insulting myself every 10 minutes, I think this theory is a good one for now. (That's why I praised the school so much in my post. I know it seemed like I was bragging, and I was in way. But more to boost my own ego, for myself, than to impress anyone else.)

Thanks for the post. I appreciate it.

-b.

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Author: ArtRimbaud Big red star, 1000 posts Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: 26131 of 44390
Subject: Re: A VERY VERY VERY Long Confession Date: 4/26/2001 10:23 AM
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Take the summer off if you can, relax and think about what you want to do. Also think about and talk about in the counseling if there are any root causes of the depression. Maybe London just isn't the right kind of place for you. Or maybe grad school just isn't you thing.


Yeah, I plan on taking some time off. My friend, RMC1720, who has only posted once, is going to teach me how to surf fish. I went with him once last year, and we had a great time. And another friend got laid off, so we're planning on a lot of coffee shop lunches. The problem is, now I'll fit into so many "Anti-Trait" lists, with no job, and living with my mother! (and father, but that doesn't seem to be a bad trait to people.)

And yes, I've been discussing whether maybe London isn't right for me, or if Grad School is really my thing. It's really strange when you think for so long that "This is what I'm going to be doing." And then if it doesn't work out, what then? It's like, this is how my life was "supposed" to go, and it didn't go that way. Tough to deal with.

Be very careful with the medications a lot of them can do a lot more harm than good if combined with a few beers.

Oh, trust me, I found out about this one. It makes it fun to drink though, let me tell you. You get really loopy really quick. <g> As long as I'm with people I trust, I think I'm ok.

P.S. Love your original post, however if you feel like it contains maybe a little bit more than you want on the public record have Tippy pull it, everyone will understand.

When I woke up this morning, I felt like Jerry Maguire after he put out that mission statement. Like "Oh. My. God. What did I just do?" But the response has been very nice, and I appreciate it very much. I have no problem discussing it. But I don't want to be a downer for the board. Feel free to discuss trivial stuff too if you want! But I do want to be open about it, it makes me feel more comfortable with it. Even though I don't really know most of you, I already feel less ashamed about my situation. And that was the whole point.

Thanks, TEN. I sincerely appreciate your comments.

-b.







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Author: JANDREWSMOM Three stars, 500 posts Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: 26132 of 44390
Subject: Re: A VERY VERY VERY Long Confession Date: 4/26/2001 10:25 AM
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You are not lost or alone. Believe it or not, your "confession" is uplifting. Many, many people have suffered through and are still suffering with the same illness. Your story brings hope.

Thank goodness you have had the support of real friends and loving family.

Know that you have my support and all of us here on these boards. Things sound great for your continued recovery.

Please feel confident that you can come here for friendship and conversation; a shoulder to cry on and company to laugh with, anytime at all.

J.

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Author: ArtRimbaud Big red star, 1000 posts Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: 26133 of 44390
Subject: Re: A VERY VERY VERY Long Confession Date: 4/26/2001 10:27 AM
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On a down day, when I realize I need to kick myself in the butt, I've been known to write (ok, so until now I'm the only one who knew), "I AM GOOD STUFF!" on my bathroom mirror with lipstick.

It's better than thinking, "Man, this sucks..." over and over...this week, it's in purple. =)

Hey, I gotta do what I gotta do. Now, I gotta find the Windex.

Plaidy...good stuff, by golly



For me, I put up this poster from the movie "Trainspotting", it has the words CHOOSE LIFE in big orange letters. :)

Thanks, plaidy. And I appreciate the things you've said in the past about this kind of thing.

-b.

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Author: scotaku Big red star, 1000 posts Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: 26134 of 44390
Subject: Re: A VERY VERY VERY Long Confession Date: 4/26/2001 10:31 AM
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...But I don't want to be a downer for the board....

Downer? Man, I'm inspired! Any time I hear a tale of how life got someone down and they pick themselves back up, I'm tickled!

- Sco

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Author: Ascalon Big gold star, 5000 posts Old School Fool Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: 26135 of 44390
Subject: Re: A VERY VERY VERY Long Confession Date: 4/26/2001 10:33 AM
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And I feel bad, because I know I felt better when I found out other students were going through it.

b,

You're human like the rest of us. And humans like feeling that they belong with other humans more than anything else. Because we do belong with other humans; it's a fundamental truth. I've been amazed at the reactions when I've bared my soul in the past. Things I thought were deep dark secrets were met with 'oh, I do that too' responses. I don't think that made me feel better or worse in the long run.

Actually being able to talk made me feel good but I know that friends will only listen to so much before they want to talk about their own things and/or try to get you to move yourself forwards. That's why counselling is such a good thing. I haven't been through that but telling very personal things has given me confidence in myself and warmth knowing I was cared for.

I guess the reactions -- that my stuff isn't any deeper or darker than anyone else's -- taught me to accept myself as I am and that's incredibly valuable. Other than that, this is just my 'take', as it were, and I have no answers but do respect you and your experience. Nothing to be ashamed of there. At all.

Ascalon


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Author: plaidprincess Big gold star, 5000 posts Old School Fool Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: 26136 of 44390
Subject: Re: A VERY VERY VERY Long Confession Date: 4/26/2001 10:35 AM
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For me, I put up this poster from the movie "Trainspotting", it has the words CHOOSE LIFE in big orange letters. :)

Thanks, plaidy. And I appreciate the things you've said in the past about this kind of thing.

-b.


Anytime, b. You're quite welcome. (It helps me too and makes me feel better when people make positive changes in themselves because of something I said...)

Plaidy...a positive reinforcement kinda gal



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Author: ArtRimbaud Big red star, 1000 posts Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: 26141 of 44390
Subject: Re: A VERY VERY VERY Long Confession Date: 4/26/2001 10:53 AM
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Thank goodness you have had the support of real friends and loving family.

Yeah, I've been real lucky in that regard. I've had a couple of really bad days, and both times I was able to talk to a friend back home for a few hours, and it helped tremendously. And it's also good knowing that my parents are welcoming me back home and are willing to support their 29 year old son for a while. Makes getting back on track that much easier, not having to worry about rent and stuff.

Plus, with mom's cooking, I'll be able to gain back all the weight I lost. :) I cannot WAIT for those pancakes. Or those pasta dishes. Or a good steak! God, it's been a long time since I had a good steak. And I never used to celebrate my b-day, but this year I will. We're going to go out to a nice steak house in NYC, with a good wine list.

Know that you have my support and all of us here on these boards. Things sound great for your continued recovery. Please feel confident that you can come here for friendship and conversation; a shoulder to cry on and company to laugh with, anytime at all.

Thanks, J... It's nice to know. There's a Depression board, and I go there as well. But it's nice to have this board and others to just laugh and discuss things and share things and such. Sometimes there's a feeling that people are whining, and I was afraid of that here. But it's nice to know that folks didn't see it that way.

Thanks again.

-b.


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Author: Ascalon Big gold star, 5000 posts Old School Fool Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: 26145 of 44390
Subject: Re: A VERY VERY VERY Long Confession Date: 4/26/2001 11:00 AM
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You know how the really smart and deep people in history always seemed to be depressed? Like they were trying to solve the world's problems, and it made them nuts.

That reminds me of Buckminster Fuller. My cousin told me the story a couple of years ago, so this is secondhand and I can't remember all the details, so maybe someone else could fill in any blanks or correct any inaccuracies.

Basically, Bucky Fuller got to a stage in life where he was successful at what he was doing. He had a good job and loving family and was doing okay. Comfortable, you know. So he was surprised to find himself standing on the edge of a high bridge one dark night prepared to jump. He stood there for a long time thinking, wondering how his life had come to that point and wondering what he was doing. And eventually he came to a decision. He would devote the rest of his life to thinking about and trying to solve the world's big problems. So he stepped back over the handrail and on to the bridge and that's exactly what he did. For the rest of his life. One of the great thinkers of the 20th century got to that complete turning point and he never looked back.

I should probably try to find Buckminster Fuller's autobiography or biography because I was impressed with that. I think most of us have heard of him through the naming of the carbon isotope Buckminster Fullerine after his geodesic domes, but I don't think many of us know what he achieved. Given your studies, I think you'd definitely appreciate at least one of his assertions which stands most economic thinking on its head. Bucky Fuller said that, given all the resources we have, every man, woman, and child on earth should be a millionaire many times over. Definitely food for thought on many levels.

Ascalon



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Author: Voltaire Big red star, 1000 posts Old School Fool Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: 26149 of 44390
Subject: Re: A VERY VERY VERY Long Confession Date: 4/26/2001 11:17 AM
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Hi -b.

<And yes, I've been discussing whether maybe London isn't right for me, or if Grad School is really my thing. It's really strange when you think for so long that "This is what I'm going to be doing." And then if it doesn't work out, what then? It's like, this is how my life was "supposed" to go, and it didn't go that way. Tough to deal with.>

What a sensitive, well-articulated series of posts by you. Dealing with depression is not easy. It robs you of one of the most important things you need deal with it- the ability to take action. I'm glad you asked for and received help. So many don't and suffer needlessly for years.

So much of what I have read by you shows a keen intelligence and an considerable sensitivity. These are qualities that will stand you in good stead whatever path you choose to travel or whatever path picks you. Maybe it will be LSE, maybe not. I had good friend who attended LSE and received a doctorate in political economy. He talked about it being a truly difficult, demanding experience. He was absolutely brilliant and manic as hell. I suspect the mania gave him the energy he needed to complete the program.

Take the time you need to decide and trust your intuition to guide you.
Maybe this is a wake up call to find out where you really belong and what you will do that reflects your own unique self, rather doing what you are "supposed to do."

All the above being said, what is truly important is that you are safe, getting better, and asking others for help. Glad you decided to stick around and play with the rest of us wounded souls.

John

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Author: Ascalon Big gold star, 5000 posts Old School Fool Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: 26150 of 44390
Subject: Re: A VERY VERY VERY Long Confession Date: 4/26/2001 11:18 AM
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I'm still thinking about the Bucky Fuller story. Sorry for being stuck in 'internal dialogue mode' here.

I think one of the main points my cousin made when he told it to me was that Buckminster Fuller stood on the bridge and thought himself up a solution. So he decided that thinking was what he did best and he applied that to what he was going to do next. He was going to think about how to solve bigger and bigger problems.

Anyway, no one else is expected to save the world <grin> that's just the decision Bucky Fuller came to. The thing is really that we all carry around are own solutions to whatever problems we face. And it's okay to change our lives completely at any time, or not, as the case may be. There's no real external pressure either way.

Ascalon

(okay, I'll stop now)


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Author: ArtRimbaud Big red star, 1000 posts Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: 26169 of 44390
Subject: Re: A VERY VERY VERY Long Confession Date: 4/26/2001 12:28 PM
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I should probably try to find Buckminster Fuller's autobiography or biography because I was impressed with that. I think most of us have heard of him through the naming of the carbon isotope Buckminster Fullerine after his geodesic domes, but I don't think many of us know what he achieved.


Oh, THAT Buckminster Fuller. :) I thought you were referring to some obscure criminal from the Batman comics. <G> Seriously, though, thanks. I didn't know about that. Never heard of the guy.


Given your studies, I think you'd definitely appreciate at least one of his assertions which stands most economic thinking on its head. Bucky Fuller said that, given all the resources we have, every man, woman, and child on earth should be a millionaire many times over. Definitely food for thought on many levels.

Now that is interesting. Given that, at it's basic levels, economics is concerned with the management of scarce resources, be it land, labor, wages, or whathaveyou. I would definitely like to look into him more.

-b.



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Author: ArtRimbaud Big red star, 1000 posts Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: 26170 of 44390
Subject: Re: A VERY VERY VERY Long Confession Date: 4/26/2001 12:39 PM
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Dealing with depression is not easy. It robs you of one of the most important things you need deal with it- the ability to take action.

Yep. I was talking to my friend the other day, telling him that I don't go out too much. He said "Well, that doesn't make sense. If being inside and alone makes you feel worse, why not just get out and enjoy yourself?" It's a logical question, and I understand why he asked.

Going to the doctor that first time was SO difficult. At the risk of sounding wimpy, I cried the first two times I walked out of his office, more as a relief from the action than feeling sad. But luckily, he's a a good guy, and we joked around about the economy, and President Clinton. <G>

I had good friend who attended LSE and received a doctorate in political economy. He talked about it being a truly difficult, demanding experience. He was absolutely brilliant and manic as hell. I suspect the mania gave him the energy he needed to complete the program.

Holy Crap. Last year, in the program I'm in, there was a guy that got his BA in Economics from Princeton University, and he had to drop out because he couldn't handle it here. They told me that the first day. Gee, thanks, you make me feel really confident now! <g>

All the above being said, what is truly important is that you are safe, getting better, and asking others for help.

Asking others for help is such a difficult thing. Yet we are all too ready to offer others help. Odd. A friend once said that maybe it's because we prefer to deal with other people's problems, making ours less significant.

BTW, to everyone on the board, hope you don't mind that I'm responding to all these posts. I don't mean to beat a dead horse. I've just been hiding from this for so long, I'm enjoying talking about it matter-of-factly.

Thanks for your comments, Voltaire.

Peace, love, and soul

-b.






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Author: CindyC72 Big gold star, 5000 posts Old School Fool Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: 26175 of 44390
Subject: Re: A VERY VERY VERY Long Confession Date: 4/26/2001 12:53 PM
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Asking others for help is such a difficult thing. Yet we are all too ready to offer others help. Odd. A friend once said that maybe it's because we prefer to deal with other people's problems, making ours less significant.

Yep. It is SO much easier to be the shoulder to lean on. It gives you something else to focus on besides whatever stuff may be going on in your own life.

BTW, to everyone on the board, hope you don't mind that I'm responding to all these posts. I don't mean to beat a dead horse. I've just been hiding from this for so long, I'm enjoying talking about it matter-of-factly.

B, have you not noticed that we regularly beat dead horses to the point of them turning into glue around here??? And it IS good to be able to talk about stuff, especially when you've *not* been talking about it for a while - kinda letting the floodgates open.

Cindy

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Author: MsVeeDub Big red star, 1000 posts Old School Fool Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: 26180 of 44390
Subject: Re: A VERY VERY VERY Long Confession Date: 4/26/2001 1:14 PM
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Thanks, TEN. I sincerely appreciate your comments.


That's why he's my lover, y'know.

Susan
*cough*oneofmany*cough*

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Author: heybethpdx Two stars, 250 posts Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: 26186 of 44390
Subject: Re: A VERY VERY VERY Long Confession Date: 4/26/2001 1:38 PM
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I wish I could recommend this whole thread about a billion times over. Make that two billion. This is a great example of why I'm hooked on the boards - it can go from humor to real caring and insight without missing a beat. Who says we're more isolated in the information age?

Brian, your post was great. I admire the courage it's taken you to get out of bed and start moving again. As far as what next - perhaps you'll find your own "road less traveled by" and you already know you've got the strength and courage to choose it.

Beth
*full of warm fuzzies*

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Author: catdaddy1 Big gold star, 5000 posts Old School Fool Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: 26194 of 44390
Subject: Re: A VERY VERY VERY Long Confession Date: 4/26/2001 1:50 PM
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I feel like people are going to think of me as a freak now or something.

Don't worry, b. I've got you covered on this one. People can still see me as a freak and it'll distract them...

Do what you gotta do to get better, bro.

cd

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Author: watermelanie Three stars, 500 posts Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: 26197 of 44390
Subject: Re: A VERY VERY VERY Long Confession Date: 4/26/2001 1:56 PM
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Brian,

Thanks for your post. I, for one, hope you go back and finish the program. Kick butt and take names.

This is going to be one of the most valuable experiences of your life. You will come out of this with more depth and understanding than someone who has never been through such an experience. It will make you a more valuable friend, a better son and brother, and in general a greater asset to the planet.

Clinical depression runs in my family, so we've all dealt with it at one time or another. I have learned to recognize it by tone of voice on the telephone. We all regard our antidepressants as something we just have to be on for a while to get back on track--like insulin to a diabetic.

A few years ago, I was talking with my sister, and she was complaining about her husband--he didn't want to do anything, was a total grouch, etc. This guy is very successful professionally, a great dad, athletic, and in general a joy. I called him at the office and listened to him talk for two hours. Then I suggested he was depressed, and he needed to go to the doctor and get some help. We discussed who at his company he felt he could go to and explain what he was going through. When we hung up, he had a plan.

The next day my sister called and said, "What did you say to Bob?" He had made an appt at the doctor, talked to his boss and taken a leave of absence from work (and his boss had said, "Yes, I was depressed, too, three years ago, I completely understand), and had slept that night for the first time in weeks. I was thrilled.

If I had never been depressed myself, I could not have helped Bob. That was God's gift to me, and I am grateful for it. Embrace this experience, Brian, and you are going to be great. As Plaidy says, Good Stuff.

wm



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Author: TMFMenagerie Big red star, 1000 posts Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: 26229 of 44390
Subject: Re: A VERY VERY VERY Long Confession Date: 4/26/2001 5:52 PM
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Oh, THAT Buckminster Fuller. :) I thought you were referring to some obscure criminal from the Batman comics. <G> Seriously, though, thanks. I didn't know about that. Never heard of the guy.

I was waiting for some sort of Bucky Fuller pun based on Chesty Puller.

Seriously though... the guy was named "Buckminster."

You just *HAVE* to get famous and solve the world's problems with a name like "Buckminster." Can you imagine "Buckminster" selling burgers? NEVER!

Cheers,
Tim *Johnny Cash's "Boy Named Sue" is going through my head...

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Author: ArtRimbaud Big red star, 1000 posts Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: 26238 of 44390
Subject: Re: A VERY VERY VERY Long Confession Date: 4/26/2001 7:49 PM
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B, have you not noticed that we regularly beat dead horses to the point of them turning into glue around here??? And it IS good to be able to talk about stuff, especially when you've *not* been talking about it for a while - kinda letting the floodgates open.


Well, that certainly happened here today! Sorry for the flood folks.

That is all. Please drive thru.

-b.


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Author: ArtRimbaud Big red star, 1000 posts Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: 26239 of 44390
Subject: Re: A VERY VERY VERY Long Confession Date: 4/26/2001 7:53 PM
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Brian, your post was great. I admire the courage it's taken you to get out of bed and start moving again. As far as what next - perhaps you'll find your own "road less traveled by" and you already know you've got the strength and courage to choose it.

Beth



Thanks, Beth. My father said the same thing to me, about the courage. Which was really strange because he had never said things like that to me. But every little thing I did, go to see the doctor, make appointments with my teachers, tell the school I was leaving, whatever, he kept saying that it took guts and that he was proud of me. So that was kinda cool.

I just hope I don't keep having to psych myself up to get dressed and leave my flat. My boxers only get so clean when I try to wash them in my bathroom sink!

-b, stinky :)


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Author: ArtRimbaud Big red star, 1000 posts Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: 26240 of 44390
Subject: Re: A VERY VERY VERY Long Confession Date: 4/26/2001 7:55 PM
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Don't worry, b. I've got you covered on this one. People can still see me as a freak and it'll distract them...

cd


cd, there's one thing that has carried me through this time of my life. No matter how bad my life may seem, I have never been reduced to living in a van down by the river. And I'm lactose intolerant, so I would never be forced to eat government cheese.

Thanks, dude.


-b.

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Author: ArtRimbaud Big red star, 1000 posts Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: 26241 of 44390
Subject: Re: A VERY VERY VERY Long Confession Date: 4/26/2001 8:01 PM
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I, for one, hope you go back and finish the program. Kick butt and take names.

This is going to be one of the most valuable experiences of your life. You will come out of this with more depth and understanding than someone who has never been through such an experience. It will make you a more valuable friend, a better son and brother, and in general a greater asset to the planet.

wm



Yeah, to tell you the truth, I wouldn't mind coming back here and kicking butt. That would be fun. <g>

It has certainly made my family closer. I never told my family about my life, as they are big "worry-ers." But now I do, and I think it's all brought us closer. I'm not sure how things will play out when I'm back home, though. Sometimes I think that the distance makes it easier for us to be close, if that makes sense. But, we'll see. I'm not completely comfortable with having my parents take care of me again. But, at the end of the day, I need to accept their offer to help me so I can help myself.

Gosh, I'm sounding really cheezy. For the 100th time, I'm sorry for replying to all the posts here. <g>

"I don't want to spoil the party, so I'll go." - The Beatles.

Peace, love, and soul

-b.

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Author: masonjarjar Big gold star, 5000 posts Old School Fool Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: 26375 of 44390
Subject: Re: A VERY VERY VERY Long Confession Date: 4/29/2001 10:23 PM
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I went through a similar thing my senior year of college, though I wasn't to the point of considering suicide, I did have several days, weeks even where I wouldn't get out of bed until 1pm, missing all my morning classes. I just didn't feel like dealing with people. I got so behind in some classes, I just couldn't go back and face them. I'm really kicking myself now because I didn't get help. It really took me a few years before I started feeling a lot better after that, but the regrets are still with me. I still have nightmares about it being the end of the semester and not having gone to a class. Except for me it really happened. I guess if I had gotten help, maybe I wouldn't have felt so bad about my "failures" - but as it stands, I take total responsibility, if not for the depression it self, but for not taking action. If I had someone to help me, and realize that maybe I did have a problem back then, maybe I wouldn't be carrying around this guilt with me. I'm glad you've been able to come through it ok, and hopefully you'll pick up next year right where you left off. Sounds like you have some great support!

-Mason


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