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Found this board putzin around and thought it might be appropriate seeing as I just got hitched.

beware this article...
http://abcnews.go.com/sections/business/PersonalFinance/makeover.html

Woeful Sandra suffers from a typical marital problem, she's more responsible (and worried) about money than her husband Michael.

“My husband is reluctant to
work together financially. He has exhibited financial
irresponsibility.” Exasperated, she concludes, “How do I
save to accomplish financial goals alone?”

Michael may never change, and
Sandra may always be angry at him
for it. So what? Sure it will come to
the surface with more or less
ferocity depending on the other
issues at the moment. But, if she
admits the anger, shows it when
she needs to, and forgives him until
the next flare up, the marriage will
probably last forever.


Is there anyone else out there that has a problem with this line of thinking? I've always been raised on values that teach things like "share in everything, including responsibility."

There's some good financial advice in this article, but what Ms. Berg is describing isn't marriage. It's what you do when you're living by yourself and depending on yourself to get by. The way she describes it sounds kinda like "Your hubby brings home the bucks, and all he's good for is depositing the checks and writing them for the bills. The wifey should then take over the rest of the finances."

Sorry, I just think this is a recipe for disaster. She even says to go so far as to not care about it until it comes up in a fight, get through the fight, and just put it out of your mind till the next one??? Some counselor this woman is! I've never heard someone dish out marriage advice saying "go ahead and fight it out every so often and then just forget about it for a while. Nothing really needs to be worked out if this happens."

Am I the only one that sees this? Maybe some of you more experienced married folks out there can help me out. But I would think that if my wife and I are constantly fighting about something, we should try to work out a compomise, as opposed to just resolving to fighting about it the rest of our lives.

Especially about money issues! You can't just have one earning while the other is saving. It doesn't work like that. If you've got a spendthrift husband, and the wife wants to save, she's not gonna be able to save without teaching him a lesson or two about money management. This is not a new concept here. Money comes in, money goes out, what's left to save? She can duke it out with him all she wants; she's not going to save a penny unless he learns how to stop spending them.

I dunno. I just read through it and happened to think that, while the actual financial advice was on the right track, the advice itself being for married couples was about the worst thing I've ever heard.

EzT
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My wife and I have been married just about eight years the five years we dated give us a total of thirteen years together) and to this day we fight about the same stuff. Nothing major just stuff like "your parents drive me crazy" "we are spending too much money" "balh blah blah, yadda yadda yadda".

I think the best advice one can get, or give, on the subject of marraige is that people don't, won't or can't change, so don't try and force them to. The best you can do is accept them for what they are and hope they do the same for you. I think, in a very lame way, that was what the author was trying to say. Thankfully, my wife heeds that type of advice, because man am I a pain in the @## to live with.

Just my thought on the subject.
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I have to agree with you, rja735... Not on the pain in the @## part, I wouldn't know of course, but on the parts about not being able to force a change. Sometimes after people get married they find things out about their spouse that they didn't know was a part of them during the courtship. You've got to have an open mind and be able to deal with these (usually minor) issues.

I've been married for almost 12 years and have a wonderful wife, but we still get on each others' nerves about the same ol' s#%&... :-)

I do think the original post's advice is borderline ridiculous though. We are a two-wage family, but I do all of the saving and investing decisions. I've tried to involve her, but she only wants to know the minimums that she can get by with. That's why she gets upset with times like this spring (declining values). That's usually when I print off an article or a post from the Fool's vast resources, beg her to read it and all is usually well.

You can't force someone to learn something they are really not that interested in.

Peace,

Draggon
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Hey Dirk (I mean Ron),

Sounds like we have similar households. My wife just stopped working to care for our newborn (Nicole, she's 4mos now and supreme ruler / commander of all around her), but she never had an interest in the finances. Totally left it to me. However, I think that just changed now that the payout in her pension was about 15 times less than she thought it would be. Golden Rule, "know what you have". She has decided to learn the ropes and will open an IRA with a discount broker and spend a lot of time at the Motley Fool.

Oh yeah, you gotta trust me on this one, I am definitly a pain in the @##!

Ron
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Hey Dirk (I mean Ron),

LOL! You mean people other than me actually read these profiles?!? I noticed that you just recently acquired your first gold star, too. I just got mine yesterday, after over 4 years on the Fool. I just don't post very often, wouldn't want to scare anyone off...

Yeah, we have a supreme ruler/commander in our household, too. The cat (Perri) thinks it's her, but we all know it's really 4 year old Jessica. Her brother, Derron (6), even acknowledges her supremecy... LoL

Draggon
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<<<I've been married for almost 12 years and have a wonderful wife, but we still get on each others' nerves about the same ol' s#%&... :-)>>>

Early on, the Oh Doctor said the point of marriage was learning what got the other's goat.

He didn't say what you were supposed to do with the goat after you got it.

~~ Alison
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<<<Oh yeah, you gotta trust me on this one, I am definitly a pain in the @##!>>>

Well, I'm not going to make judgements about others, but that's part of my job description!

~~ Alison
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Early on, the Oh Doctor said the point of marriage was learning what got the other's goat.

He didn't say what you were supposed to do with the goat after you got it.


As it is with most people, learning what gets her goat was the easy part. The hard part was learning not to use that information at inopportune times. For example, telling her she spends too much while she is holding a blunt object is a bad, bad idea.
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“My husband is reluctant to
work together financially. He has exhibited financial
irresponsibility.” Exasperated, she concludes, “How do I
save to accomplish financial goals alone?”


If she knew he was financially irresponsible, why did she marry him? Is this another case of, "Oh, we'll get married and hell see how wonderful things are and he'll change just because he loves me so much." ?

I'm sorry, I may sound like I have a cold, hard, heart, but I'm really tired of women that do not put any serious consideration into the person they are marrying and then get all upset when he turns out to be a jerk.
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Sounds like we have similar households. My wife just stopped working to care for our newborn (Nicole, she's 4mos now and supreme ruler / commander of all
around her), but she never had an interest in the finances. Totally left it to me. However, I think that just changed now that the payout in her pension was about
15 times less than she thought it would be. Golden Rule, "know what you have". She has decided to learn the ropes and will open an IRA with a discount broker
and spend a lot of time at the Motley Fool.


Hey rja735,
I became a stay at home mom and Hubby decided that since I was home, I should do all the bills. We both try to save, although he is better at the saving than I am because he doesn't have to pay any bills with his share.
We have a very easy working relationship as far as the money. About the only diagreement we have is that Hubby says I pay the bills too early and too much. Ex: I try to stay a month or two ahead on the mortgage.

We have friends that both are working, they just bought a house that costs about 1 & 1/2 times their combined salaries, their cards are maxed out, etc. Hubby and I were talking today that we don't know how they can get along.

Hubby and I are both savers. I would not have even dated him if he didn't seem very financial responsible. and I certainly would not have married him. That may sound snotty, but I figure that it's hard enough to keep a marriage together. Why have problems before you even hit the aisle?

P.S. Congrats to Dad. To paraphrase a friend of mine speaking to her husband, "You just THINK your wife is expensive." :-)
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As it is with most people, learning what gets her goat was the easy part. The hard part was learning not to use that information at inopportune times. For
example, telling her she spends too much while she is holding a blunt object is a bad, bad idea.


Gee, Hubby has never been afraid of me holding blunt objects. Maybe it's because I can butcher my own meat.
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Okay, I see what you're saying. But I dunno. I think there's a major difference between accepting your husband/wife doesn't know a thing about finances and wants nothing to do with them, and a husband/wife that totally disregards the financial well-being of the household. It seemed like the article was saying "it's okay if this person just totally ignores what you're saying to him and goes out and spends all this money when he knows it's not good cause you need the money for bills or savings or whatever, so just scream at him every so often and handle finances yourself and it'll be fine."

You don't have to change a person. The guy doesn't need to all of a sudden start managing his finances better. But he can't just disregard the wife and just go out spending all this money all the time and doing whatever he wants. There has to be mutual accountability.

Just my thoughts.

EzT
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Man doesn't it kill you when you see people making twice as much as you are and they can't keep out of debt. I would get a rash if i spent 18% every month.

My wife is a stay at home mom too. Her choice, much to my mom's dismay (she thought she would get to babysit). Chris really just doesn't like the finances. "But there has to be money in the account, I still have checks"! We compliment each other though, she says The Motley Fool is my version of on line porn. I agree!

"You just THINK your wife is expensive."
I do believe that I am about to learn the true meaning..."Daddy, I want earings" "Daddy, I want a pony" Oh brother!
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You don't have to change a person. The guy doesn't need to all of a sudden start managing his finances better. But he can't just disregard the wife and just go out spending all this money all the time and doing whatever he wants. There has to be mutual accountability.

Very well said!
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"You just THINK your wife is expensive."
I do believe that I am about to learn the true meaning..."Daddy, I want earings" "Daddy, I want a pony" Oh brother!


We have two girls, 3 & 19 months. When either one of them bats those baby blues, forget it, he's toast.

My mom is getting him a tee-shirt for his birthday that says, "My fingers may be small, but they're big enough to wrap Daddy around."

Don't feel alone. It's a condition that strikes most Dads of little girls.
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Man doesn't it kill you when you see people making twice as much as you are and they can't keep out of debt. I would get a rash if i spent 18% every month.

Actually, he makes less than my Hubby, but with her salary, they make more. But because she is working, they are also paying for daycare (very expensive), her wardrobe for work, gas and upkeep on her car, lunches out for her along with his, etc., so that they are probably only making his salary (although they don't realize it). I find it amazing. Hubby and I will spend money, but not at that speed.
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Actually, he makes less than my Hubby, but with her salary, they make more. But because she is working, they are also paying for daycare (very expensive), her wardrobe for work, gas and upkeep on her car, lunches out for her along with his, etc., so that they are probably only making his salary (although they don't realize it). I find it amazing. Hubby and I will spend money, but not at that speed.

That is something that I never understood. It is kind of like paying to get away from the kids. My wife and I sat down and did the math, and just seemed silly. Either pay an arm and a leg to a professional day care center or trust a stranger at their home to not mame your child. Either way, someone else gets to spend time with your child while Mom or Dad goes to work to pay for it.
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That is something that I never understood. It is kind of like paying to get away from the kids. My wife and I sat down and did the math, and just seemed silly. Either pay an arm and a leg to a professional day care center or trust a stranger at their home to not mame your child. Either way, someone else gets to spend time with your child while Mom or Dad goes to work to pay for it.

In some cases both spouses want to continue their careers regardless of the economic realities. My wife is currently staying home with our first child and I know from time to time she has the urge to return to her career and have some additional time with adults, discussing issues that have meaning outside of our family unit. If she were to return to work it would not be to obtain the additional paycheck but rather because she felt that she had put herself in a position to have a successful career and wanted to continue along that route.
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If she were to return to work it would not be to obtain the additional paycheck but rather because she felt that she had put herself in a position to have a successful career and wanted to continue along that route.

I made enough that even after daycare, wardrobe, gas, etc., we were still making money from my job. I just don't want my kids to be raised by someone else. I worked for about 6 months after Munchkin #1 was born. The killer was the day I picked her up from daycare and they told me she had taken her first steps. SOMEONE ELSE saw my baby's first steps. Not Hubby, not me, not even a relative, a virtual stranger saw my baby take her first steps.
That's when I came home.
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If she were to return to work it would not be to obtain the additional paycheck but rather because she felt that she had put herself in a position to have a successful career and wanted to continue along that route.

Definitly a good point. My wife just wanted to be with The Supreme Ruler and Commander of all that lives and breathes (AKA our 4 mos. old daughter Nicole). To combat the somewhat onesided nature of their conversations however, she may look to land a job with a CPA firm one or two days a week. Kinda hoping for the best of both worlds.

So, anyone hiring?

Ron
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Some of us would kill to be home with our kids. I have missed three out of my four childrens firsts. But I (and I do mean I) am not in a position to come home. That's the reason that I scour through the Motley Fool boards. I want to come home!!

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