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So my wife and I had dinner with 2 couples from my daughter's school on Saturday. My wife knows the wives, but this was the first time I met the husbands.

It started off okay. It was a beautiful night and we were at a pretty good restaurant with outdoor seating on the roof.

The wives ended up sitting in a group at one end of the table, and I ended up with the husbands. No problem, I thought. I mean, my job is basically talking to relative strangers all day so I'm pretty comfortable around people I don't know that well.

Things were going along well until the waitress came to take the drink order.

Husband 1, hereafter known as Kevin, asked for some specific bottle of wine. Now, I'm not a wine snob, but the bottle he was ordering was pretty generic so I was suprised by what happened.

Kevin: "We'll take a bottle of the <insert generic california white here>.

Waitress: "Sorry sir. We're out of that, could I suggest <insert alternative generic california white>

Kevin: "You don't have the wine I want? Get me the manager."

Waitress: "Do you really want the manager?"

Kevin: "NOW!!!"

The waitress went to get the manager. Kevin's wife's kicked him under the table. Kevin launched into a 5 minute soliloquy on how he was paying for a meal and expected to get what he wanted, etc, etc, etc.

The manager came over to apologize. I'll spare you the details, but after a couple of minutes, the manager offered Kevin a different generic california white that was $5/bottle more for the same price as the original wine Kevin requested.

After he left, Kevin launched into another 5 minute soliloquy on how he considered that a victory and that it proved you had to be tough with people.

He might have gone on a bit longer. I wasn't really listening. I was more concerned with what the waitstaff was going to do with my food.

The wine came and the waitress took our food order. Everyone was pretty easy, except Kevin. Kevin wanted an item off the menu, except he wanted it entirely different than what the menu said.

Kevin: "Hmm, the tuna. Now, instead of grilled, can I get that broiled? I can, good. Also, instead of fresh greens, could I get rice or potatos? No, Why not? I want a starch, not greens. Do I need to call the manager again?" The waitress caved in. Kevin continued, "And the sauce, could you put it on the side?"

The waitress took the order and had a look on her face like she knew now matter how close the kitchen came to getting that order correct, Kevin was going to complain about it.

She took the rest of our order and departed. The wives were embroiled in a conversation about the school. The husbands were making innocuous small talk about sports and local politics, until Husband 2, hereafter known as Mike, piped up.

Mike: "So you work for XYZ Co, huh?

Me: "Yep"

Mike: "Yeah, I lost a fortune on that stock. So, got any insider info I could use to make it back?"

Me: "Umm, not really.."

Kevin: "How does XYZ pay?"

Me: "Umm, alright, I guess. I'm pretty happy."

Kevin: "So what does that mean, in dollars?"

Me: "You know what, it doesn't really matter does it?"

Kevin: "Okay, don't get so sensitive. I'm just asking. I mean it must pay well. Just look at your wife's bracelet. That must of cost a fortune. What, like 5 maybe 6 grand?"

I ignored him and tried to change the subject.

Me: "So Mike, you just got back from California, huh?"

Mike: "Yeah, it was a great trip. The babes were incredible."

Me: "Babes?"

Mike: "Yeah, they were everywhere. Damn! There were some fine looking women."

Me: "Were you out there on business or pleasure?"

Mike: "Little of both, if you know what I mean...", followed by a wink.

I was pretty sure I knew exactly what he meant. The conversation was going nowhere I wanted to be.

Me: "Mike, not for nothing, but maybe we should change the subject. I mean your wive is right there, you know?"

Mike: "Don't worry about it...I already told her she better get back in shape if she wants to keep me around. In fact she did something about it just this morning."

Kevin: "What'd she do?"

Mike: "She got waxed. Now she has a nice little landing strip and everything."

Okay, I had had enough. Call me old fashioned, but I wasn't ready to discuss the particulars of my wife with anybody, much less two big mouths I had known for under 2 hours. Moreover, I didn't want to know details about their wives either.

Kevin and Mike continued with a hushed discussion of the rather graphic details of their respective wives. I got involved with the conversation my wife was in.

Dinner came and I set the world speed record for consumption of a beef tenderloin.

We passed on dessert and after dinner drinks and headed home.

I have never been so happy to be heading home early.

I still can't believe how obnoxious those two guys were. The worst part is that since my wife is getting to be good friends with the other wives, I'll be seeing a lot more of them. I can only imagine what's next on the agenda. Mike will probably want to suggest wife swapping, as long as he can convince Kevin it won't cost him anything.


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