But please keep in mind that dear wife is no angel either. " . . . using language that is less condescending might be a start. . . ." AGREED! But, her language is not any worse that mine. I just type more.

There is no excuse for either of us. Absolutely

You are in a pattern of reinforcing each others bad behavior. Instead of trying to "win" and match the escalating tension, have you considered that changing your behavior will change the situation for the better? It will take time, but what you are doing now isn't working.

I remember walking by a co-workers office and hearing part of a phone call: "We don't need counseling. She just needs to do what I tell her." They were divorced shortly after that call, and it was a very messy divorce.

Have you seen your pastor yet?