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More than 50% of the people in the world have never made or received a telephone call.


and here I am... wasting my broadband cable connection at one in the morning to post on this stupid board.
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Like finger prints, everyone's tongue print is different.


Yet i'll never leave it on a crime scene...
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Steven King wrote 5 books under the name Richard Bachman


and somehow they all suck.
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If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.


And if you drank one hot cup of coffee, is your throat sore?
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The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.


I know there is a gubner groper arnie joke in there somewhere...
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Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.


I think this means dolphins are gettin' more than I am.
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"A phone-sex operator in Florida won a settlement after she filed for worker's compensation, saying she had suffered repetitive-motion injuries in both hands. The repetitive motion was the result of using her hands to give herself as many as seven orgasms a day while talking to clients."

And yet, all i got was a night on jail...
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"Dorothy Johnson sued Kenmore Inc. for the death of her dog. After washing the poodle, she placed it in her Kenmore microwave, ""just a few minutes, on low,"" to dry it off. The case was dismissed."


bodie... get out of the gang microwave...
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that should have said dang...


stupid no edit option...
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"NBC's ""Tonight Show"" was sued by a Cincinnati, Ohio man for injuries he sustained during the pre-show. He was injured when a free T-shirt, shot into the crowd with an air gun, struck him in the eye."


He's lucky. It killed Maude Flanders.
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I resolve to stop posting on this thread.
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The shortest war in history was between Zanzibar and England in 1896. Zanzibar surrendered after 38 minutes.

and i only managed to not post on this thread for a minute.
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No president of the U.S. was an only child.


So maybe '04 is my turn?
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A snail can sleep for 3 years.


I'd give anything for a fraction of that now...
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Cat pee glows under a black light.


Really? Bodie...
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Ants always fall on their right side when intoxicated.


Who buys ants booze?
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A cat has 32 muscles in each ear


Yet why does Bodie refuse to hear me when I tell him to get off the dang counter?
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The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "Its A Wonderful Life


I heard that they were gay.




not that there is anything wrong with that...
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i heard Bert was a CIA freak.


not that there is anyting wrong with that...
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To "testify" was based on men in the Roman court swearing to a statement made by swearing on their testicles


insert joke here.
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It is impossible to lick your elbow.


Go ahead. Try. It's hours of fun.
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On average, a human being will have sex more than 3,000 times and spend two weeks kissing in their lifetime.


I am so behind...
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The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the toughest tongue twister in the English language.


It's friggin' easy to type...

sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick
sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick
sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick
sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick
sith sipth sipth's sixth sheep's sith


damit.
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If the U.S. government has no knowledge of aliens, then why does

Title 14, Section 1211 of the Code of Federal Regulations, implemented on July 16, 1969, make it illegal for U.S. citizens to have any contact with extraterrestrials or their vehicles?



Good point. Another reason Bill and those darn dems sux.
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oh, don't get me started! that was under republiCON administration!
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No piece of paper can be folded in half more than 7 times.


Okay... I know this one is not true.

oh wait... damit! oh wait...

i know i can get this...

damit! okay... gimme a sec...
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Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.


Yet another reason not to take the donkey to Toledo...
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Turtles can breathe through their butts


Yea... a lot of Fools talk out of their<mmrfft>

</fool censorship>
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The Bible is the most shoplifted book in America.


'nuff said.
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Some lions mate over 50 times a day.



they are so getting more than me...
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The record for the longest continuous disco-dancing marathon by a single person is 213 hours.


I am so NOT gonna try to break that.
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Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.


It'll get you banned from night clubs in San Francisco... trust me...
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Leonardo Da Vinci invented scissors, also, it took him 10 years to paint Mona Lisa's lips.


Why this sentence wants to be a complete thought, I do not know.
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Roses MAY Be red, but violets ARE, indeed, violet.


Think about it.
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By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you can't sink in quicksand.


Something everyone should know.
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Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from Public Libraries.


When you ain't too busy pinchin' bibles, I suppose...
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There were more Buffalo than people in the United States in the mid 1800's. In the mid 1990's there were more Twinkies in the United States than people.


Think about it.
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Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.


I wonder if it's okay for Atkins.
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If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle; if the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle; if the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.



All them years of art school and I'm just learning this now?
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A coat hanger is 44 inches long if straightened.


I'm looking at my plastic hangers and scratchin' my head.
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Mark Twain was born on a day in 1835 when Haley's Comet came into veiw. When He died in 1910, Haley's Comet came into view again.


huh... and so was Samuel Clemens.
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Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intraveinously


How'd they find that out?
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When the University of Nebraska Cornhuskers play football at home, the stadium becomes the state's third largest city.


Do they elect a city council? A mayor?
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A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.
_________

A pig's penis is shaped like a corkscrew.



You know, a part of me wants to check out some piggy porn.
You know... for purely educational reasons...
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It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.


Obviously you've never heard of duct tape.
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Maine is the toothpick capital of the world.


Well, if that don't get you tourists, nothin' will.
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It was discovered on a space mission that a frog can throw up. The frog throws up it's stomach first, so the stomach is dangling out of
it's mouth. Then the frog uses it's forearms to dig out all of the
stomach's contents and then swallows the stomach back down again.


I am SO glad I didn't become an astronaut.
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