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Author: ishtarastarte Big funky green star, 20000 posts Top Favorite Fools Old School Fool Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: of 681  
Subject: Dilemma Date: 4/17/2002 4:41 PM
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When my daughter was born, I wasn't married. Her bio-dad was a little freaked/flaky and I was arrogant, so I didn't list him on the birth certificate. At the time, I really believed that I could do everything on my own.

Every year or so, I sent him a picture and an address update, and he'd call and make all sorts of promises, push me to have her doing something (wanted her in martial arts at age 2, for example; my response: are you paying for it?) I guess I always believed that once he got his act together, he'd WANT to be part of her life, and he'd help out. He's a bit immature, but I always thought he was honorable. Apparantly, though, out of sight is out of mind.

Two years ago, I was in a really bad place with the break up of a relationship and left with a rent I couldn't pay and no health insurance. During this time was when he came to visit her for the first and only time in her life. He brought presents. I asked for help; difficult thing for me to do. He hemmed and hawed and eventually said that he'd send $150/mo (which wouldn't even cover the health insurance, but any little bit would help.) Never heard from him again. Tried to call him. His father (he was still living with parents - rent free) would take the messages and get a bit snippy with me. He never returned calls.

I haven't sent him our latest address change (when we moved to Sacramento) and I just got her school pictures. His b-day is in a few days and I thought about sending him a card/letter and picture, maybe a couple of her drawings.

My reason for sending the picture and update is that, in ten years, when he finally grows up and wants contact with her, I don't want him to be able to go to court and say, "she kept the child away from me all this time; I didn't know where they were." I'm not keeping him away, by sending pictures and an address once a year or so; he's keeping himself away.

So, now I've written this letter, explaining how hard it was for me to ask for help, what a great kid he's missing out on, etc.

Is this the right thing, or should I just send the pic and address, without embelishment?

Ishtar
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