I was thinking......... In a few hours, either Gore or Bush will be saying; "I've got the right to sing the Blues." But then I thought, "Hey, wait just one minute. Losing a presidential election doesn't give you the right to sing the Blues; losing your appeal on a murder conviction does!" Which brings up the question: Are there any rules about the blues? If there aren't any, here are a few suggestions: 1. Good way to start a blues song: "Woke up this morning..." 2. "I got a good woman," is a bad way to begin the blues, 'less you stick something nasty in the next line, like "I got a good woman with the meanest face in town." 3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes ... sort of: "Got a good woman - with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher - and she weigh 500 pound." 4. Blues travel in Chevys, old Cadillacs and broken down pickup trucks. Blues don't travel in limousines, Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. However, a Greyhound bus or a southbound train is acceptable. Jet aircraft, motorcades or state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die. 5. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis. 6. You can have the Blues in New York City, but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada... Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City are still the best places to have the Blues... Phoenix, Tucson and Palm Springs are out; You can't have the blues any place that don't get rain. 7. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg 'cuz you skiing is not the blues. Breaking your leg 'cuz an alligator be chomping on it is. 8. You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall, or any place with fluorescent lighting, but you can by the light of a bare bulb hanging on a wire. 9. Good places for the Blues: a) highway b) jailhouse c) empty bed d.) freight train boxcarBad places: a) Tennis courtsb) gallery openings c) Ivy League institutions d) golf courses 10. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be an old black man, and you slept in it. 11. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if: a) you're older than dirt b) you're blind c) you shot a man in Memphis d) you can't be satisfied. No, if: a) you have all your teeth b) you were once blind but now can see c) the man in Memphis lived. d) you have an IRA or trust fund. 12. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Gary Coleman could. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the blues. 13. Some foods are not Blues food. You can't eat caviar and have the Blues. The same goes for sushi, quiche and foie gras. Acceptable Blues foods are fried okra, pork&beans out of the can, and dry pizza you find in a dumpster. 14.Acceptable Blues beverages are: a) cheap wine b) bad whiskey or bad bourbon c) muddy water d) black coffee. The following are NOT Blues beverages: a) dry martinis b) kosher wine c) Snapple d) sparkling water 15. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse, and dying lonely on a broken down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or while getting liposuction. 16. Some Blues names for women: a) Sadie b) Big Mama c) Bessie d) Fat River Dumpling 17. Some Blues names for men: a) Joe b) Willie c) Little Willie d) Big Willie 18. Persons with names like Sierra, Sequoia, and Rainbow can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis. 19. To sing the Blues, you must have a Blues name. If you don't have a Blues name, you can make up your own. Here's how: a) For your first name, pick a physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.) b) Your middle name should be a fruit (Lemon, Melon, Lime, Kiwi, etc.) c) The last name must be that of a dead president (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.) That way you get catchy names like; Blind Melon Jefferson, Lame Lemon Fillmore, Cripple Kiwi Johnson. 20. I don't care how tragic your life: if you're a daytrader, you can not sing the blues. Not unless you shoot a market maker in Memphis. ~jscott.
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