From The Wilson’s Creek/Yarrow Leader.A plain brown horse with a hare lip was found on Willis Street this morning. SPCA says it will be hard to find the owner since it has no distinguishing marks.A ten-year old Wilson’s Creek boy was found guilty of stealing two 144-count boxes of condoms from Yarrow’s Drug Store. This is too gross.Two 38DD bras were stolen from Yarrow’s Ladies’ Wear at 10:00 am; Lucy ‘Chesty’ Watkins was arrested as the only suspect at 10:15.Lost: three legged deaf Dalmatian with mange, no teeth and missing one eye: answers to the name ‘Lucky’.Sylvia Potter and Sidney Walsh of Yarrow married last week after her changing her name to ‘Wants It’ and him to ‘All The time’ because both wanted to have their wedding recognized by Jay Leno. Clive Barker, now Clara Barker, wishes it to be known that ‘Barker’s Automotive and Lawnmower Repair’ on Willis Street will now be known as ‘Clara’s Vroom-Vroom and Put-Put’. Hours are unchanged.Lost: small cat with a horrible disposition. No reward offered.A Yarrow man’s alibi of finding a Genii in a bottle granting a wish to be in Yarrow’s Drugs at three in the morning was discounted by local police.Two Wilson’s Creek men were fined in Yarrow court for the illicit production of alcohol and their product confiscated. In announcing the decision Judge James Dawson also announced the bar at the next judicial meeting will not be cash but first come first served.Errata: The car found abandoned on Willis Street and reported as a 1953 Hudson was in fact a 1953 Willis found on Hudson Avenue. The Leader regrets the error.Maureen McKinney of Wilson’s Creek Church of The Redeemer will sing selections from Puccini’s Tosca on Sunday at the Eventide Service. There will be a collection to pay for her singing lessons.Wallet found on Davis Drive containing pornographic material can be viewed at Yarrow Police headquarters.Marg Fenwick of the group Reduce The Carbon Footprint will officiate at the organization’s annual Pig Roast this coming Saturday. White Lumber has already donated 1,000 board-feet of split logs to the event.Due to insufficient funds, the seminar on increasing wealth by Roger Halter will not take place as reported in The Leader in the last issue. However, his lecture on ‘Dumpster Diving’ will go ahead as planned this coming Monday (weather permitting).The manager of Yarrow’s Bijou Theater wishes it to be known the costs of refurbishing the screen of the theater following the rerun showing of Waterworld exceeded receipts paid.Twenty-seven year-old Irene Templeton of Yarrow has passed her tests as a qualified forklift operator on her 34th examination. Proud parents, George and Judith, will hold a celebratory potluck at their house on Duncan Boulevard this coming Saturday evening.Wilson’s Creek mayor Stan Hurley will address council on the new bike path replacing Willis Avenue in the council’s next session. Following this will be a move by Willis Avenue residents to replace Mayor Hurley.Errata: In the report on tenor Mitch Grant noting his performance as ‘well hung’ should have read ‘well sung’. The Leader regrets the error.Sanitary Engineer Mike Peebles says the new sewage control facility in Wilson’s Creek is a marvel to behold and he believes the tourist draw will make the over-budget costs of the facility ‘revenue neutral’. Peebles, a graduate of Yarrow High, says that if marketed properly the facility is a ‘high water mark’ that can be appreciated by out-of-state visitors.Noted actor William Shatner will appear at the Convocation Center singing covers of popular songs. Free tickets at Yarrow’s Drug Store.The supposed ‘dead dog’ at the corner of Willis Avenue and Duncan Boulevard was in fact living. The animal had been told to ‘play dead’ and the command to do something else was not given as the owner’s children ran off to play with their Frisbees in Bein Park. Charges were not laid.Elsie Wickenham, resident of Sunset Lodge, celebrated her 105th birthday on Tuesday. Asked on how she achieved this age she said active sex in her twenties and thirties, dancing naked during the morning sunlit hours while in her forties and fifties, being raunchy in her sixties and seventies, and booze from that point onward. Saying ‘use it or lose it,’ Ms. Wickenham grabbed the crotch of Nurses’ Aide Simon Wilkins and giggled.Adam Dixon, a graduating senior at Yarrow High, will be in the Yucatan this summer working on his university thesis ‘Unfettered Mammary Motion’. Adam, whose collection of National Geographic spans six decades plans to explore the modern scene in the area as compared to the June, 1956, issue of the magazine and, to that end, has bought a new camera.Arborist Henry Felderman has been struck down with Dutch Elm Disease but is expected to recover says his doctor Jane Dutty who also noted Henry’s age can be accurately made by counting the rings in his trunk.Six year-old Simon Janes was suspended from kindergarten for forming two fingers into a gun shape and saying, “KERPOW’. Counseling is being administered to others in the school.Bingo players at the Kiwanis Hall were shocked to learn that B5 has been lost for the past several months. A spokesperson for the community centered organization said a new set of Bingo Balls has been ordered but, in the meantime, B5 is a freebie.Lawyer Thadeus Merkin of Merkin, Glass and Pilkins, will be conducting a seminar on class action vis a vis Bingo Balls on Thursday.Four year old Kerry Sims, dressed to ride his new tricycle in protective pants and jacket together with helmet and safety gloves, fell over and couldn’t get up. Parents Jack and Susan said, “We thought he was enjoying his new bike but we found him laying there and God know how long that was.”Errata: The Leader reported Ms. Alma Juckins as a ‘whore’ when, in fact, Ms. Juckins, a gardening expert, is versed in hoeing and weed control. The Leader regrets the error as we do saying she was well into weed as a relaxation. Ainsley’s Shoe Emporium in Yarrow announces a deep discount sale of nine-inch platform shoes and Birkenstocks. “Face it, the 70’s are over,” said proprietor Ainsley Wilbert.Shirley Haller of Wilson’s Creek is suing Yarrow Drugs for false advertising after she was severely sunburned after using a sun blocker sold by the company. “I drank two bottles of the stuff and look at me now: red and peeling. My husband is really upset.”Two Yarrow high school students, Clive Persil and Roger Barnes, were ridiculed at the school for wearing pants that were high on the hips and fitted well. Counseling is being provided.Wilson’s Creek city council voted nine to five banning ‘obscene ring tones’ within city limits. When asked what was obscene, city counselor William McKay, professor of music, said, “Anything that isn’t Bach, damnit.”Errata: Last week’s special at The Lucky Garden Chinese restaurant was Gu Foo Yung not ‘Go Fook Yu’ as reported in last week’s edition of The Leader.There was a freak accident on Willis Street when three freaks in a van collided with two freaks in a camper. The driver of the van, a George Carlin, was not injured in the incident.The sewer system on Hudson Avenue is again blocked and repairs are now being made repeating a repair made only a month ago following a forensic investigation by an expert in the field. No sh!t, Sherlock.Interesting fact: Yarrow is the only city in North America allowing, under equality hiring, crossing guards with Seeing Eye dogs; Wilson’s Creek hires pool guards with hydrophobia but this is also done in California.Church News: In deference to all no matter their sexual being, there will be a peter pull at St. Taffy’s this coming Sunday. Sexual expert Simon Caller, will lecture on ‘Alternate Sexual Positions for Married Couples ’ this coming Friday evening at the Hycroft Building in Yarrow. Please enter through the rear.Wilson’s Landing resident Anne Walder, noted ornithologist, will give a slide presentation on her trip to South America photographing the Blue Footed Boobie. Those who have seen this slide show say Ms. Walder’s Boobies are magnificent and need to be seen to be believed.MichaelRReprinted by permission of The Leader
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