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Author: levars One star, 50 posts Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: of 2746  
Subject: getting "divorced" Date: 2/10/2012 2:45 PM
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Not legally married, so not a divorce, but together over 5 years, living together for 4. This certainly feels like it...

Back story--We're in our 30s. We talked about getting married 3-4 years ago before we moved in together, she said she wanted it, but was hesitant, both her parents are divorced twice each (including from each other)...

I didn't push anything on any fronts, told her to let me know when she was ready, I'm happy as is... after several months living together she said she was getting more ready, wanted a ring... she picked it out, we bought it, but she got cold feet about wearing it in public or telling anyone... Last year she finally says, let's do this... starts wearing the ring, we announce to friends and family we're getting married. Initially we are looking at venues every weekend, making plans, guest lists, want to be married in Spring 2012... but then after a few months things sort of slow down, no more looking, etc... but the relationship always seemed OK to me, just that she's back to being afraid of marriage.

Two weeks ago I'm blind sided... The past few weeks/weekends had been great. But here we are, it's a Saturday morning, I'm looking forward to us finally having an entire day to spend together, suddenly she's standing in the hallway with a suitcase, telling me she's going to stay w/ her friend to "think things out"... later in the week she comes to the house one night and tells me she knows she can't really be happy with me, it's over.

We're still in the thick of it now, so it's hard to figure out... we have a household to break up. She doesn't have an answer of why, doesn't want to try to work anything out... and that's bothering me... Her only answer to why is: she realizes now she can't be happy with me and it was realization of our being together for 5 years w/o her being able to commit to marriage... My family, who loved her dearly and she them, says "you know, in hind sight, this was a while coming".

The dark part of me wonders if she was with me the last few years because I was "good enough", and now she's met someone new and wants to be able to make a go of it with that other person--she claims there is no one else, but who knows, this may be a Clinton-style answer, as in, depends on the definition of "no one else"... maybe it's someone who is a friend today but she wants more with. A potential "someone else". The good part of me says, I trust her, I believe there is no one else, but she just can't find happiness with me (boy that's depressing!).

Currently what I've put into "us", financially anyway, is far-far more than she has. Over $100K into a home in an area she picked out, choices for the rehab based on her. There is no way I can recoup, I'll be lucky in this down market to break even on a sale... I can afford to keep the home, but will be house poor. The house is in my name because it was all my money and credit used to buy it. She has said she wants to give me money to make up for all the choices I made for her, things like the ring purchase ($4k), but I know she doesn't have much money or earn much, she will be having a hard enough time just making it on her own as-is... What money she would be giving me is borrowed money from her family... The good part of me says "let's not do that, money is water under the bridge, we loved each other, but that is over, just give me back the thing, let's amicably split the household goods and go our separate ways"... the bad part of me says, this was very sudden, and she's acting very guilty... is it just guilt from dumping me, or is something sinister is afoot?... if I knew she was leaving me for someone else (whether it's an actual someone else, or a potential someone else) I'd have a different view of her offering me money--I'd take it.

I'm not really expecting great advice from anonymous internet folks... just looking to spill my guts to some anonymous and potentially bored forum readers who might have some tips for me... I have been quiet about my situation to people I know "IRL" (in real life), as I don't want to drag them down, I'd rather just lay low for a couple of months until I'm feeling better about myself and can pick up the pieces.
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