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The Boy, someone I had first referred to over two years ago on this very board as my godson (GS), is back.

Honestly, I can't believe the timing. I just posted updates and requests for direction on this community to get my life back in order.

And then he showed up on my doorstep last night.

Though I don't think I've ever shared the details, it was The Boy, a.k.a. GS, that was a primary motivating force that propelled me into my first (and only) hospitalization over two years ago. Admittedly he was only one of several children that had stayed with me that year, but he was the one that was there from beginning until the day before my hospitalization. It was his (usual) abrupt departure after a few days of arguing and volatility that put me into a mental and emotional crisis. And that he stole from me at a particularly vulnerable time, hence the subsequent hospitalization.

All of the people (which is primarily the other young kids who are his peers here) know about what he did and are upset with him. Two have promised vengeance.

Fast forward, we've talked and seen each other in the last two years. When we spoke, I told him I forgave him. Eventually he came back before Christmas last year and stayed with me for two weeks before leaving in a huff again. He called me 2 1/2 months ago when he was released from jail and hospital, with no where to go and the intention to come back to the east coast. Ultimately he made it to the west coast where he rekindled a relationship (and later burned, again).

And so he's back on my doorstep.

He was exhausted, hungry, and grimy, after a long bus ride (since Friday after Thanksgiving) from the west coast. And not surprisingly, friendless. So I made him some sandwiches, gave him a drink, he took a shower. And after some more unwinding, finally went to sleep.

But though I know I can't trust him, I still care for him. I can't completely turn my back on him. He has some wonderful qualities, when his suspected Borderline Personality Disorder (and what I think often features significant characteristics of Antisocial Personality Disorder) kicks in, he is extremely volatile and difficult. In the almost full year that he had stayed with me, he opened up to me in a lot of ways. At the same time, he also has a lot of chronic issues such as being highly manipulative, lying, and exploitative. Despite my better judgement, I can't help but still care about him.

With all that, I was reading some of my posts here from two years ago.

An excerpt from a post I made on this board on 9/1/2009:

Even as I love my makeshift family, I do not believe, nor agree with, that "family" must remain family at all costs. It's that myth of absolute unity that allows so much abuse (mental, or other) to remain undiminished for so many. Sometimes a break of all relationships is necessary, when all the ties are so damaging.

For my own makeshift family, I'll say that there's a love of pain still, but fortunately a lot of real love now. Pretty darned confusing at times, but so far, still worth it.

When I was talking to a particular counselor about five months ago, she actually pointedly referred to my feelings and concern for him from the vantage point that I am an abuse victim who is unable to accept that I am (still?) being victimized and too willing to forgive when I should be refusing to accept any of this.

As it is, today he is supposed to go to his friend to stay and he is hoping to find a job at a place where he used to work (an informal job) making tip money cleaning. I won't wake him up for another three hours (now 7:49 AM ET here). He needs his sleep, I need to go to the supermarket to buy another loaf of bread as I finished the bread for his sandwiches last night.

Will try and sort things out today.

Lois Carmen D.
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