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Author: blford Big funky green star, 20000 posts Old School Fool Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: of 978  
Subject: Re: Hating myself with a passion Date: 1/31/2006 4:10 PM
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Hey Dave,

You said, "I hate myself totally and absolutely because of my blindness."

I can sympathize with you. I sometimes hate myself because of my physical injuries which prevent me from supporting my family as I believe I should be able to. I was always extremely physical since the age thirteen and I can't stand the fact that I can barely vacuum the house now, let alone think about any carpentry, landscaping, or car repairs these days or anything else I should be doing to support my family.

Then you said, "I hate myself because blindness prevents me from driving..."

Bullshit! You don't have the right friends then because if you and I were hanging out together as friends, I'd let you drive on a regular basis...or at least when I was too drunk to drive home. Big Grin

The rest of that sentence was, "...which prevents me from being free."

Well, again I can sympathize. My wife's car broke down recently and we can't afford to fix it and now she drives my truck to work and school and I'm left alone at home with no vehicle. However, I can still travel...by phone and by Internet. Maybe that's not good enough for some people, but damn it all, that's all I have these days and I try to enjoy it as best I can! Sometimes it sucks because I really love to drive, but it's all I have, so I best enjoy it as much as I can or I'd go nuts!!

Then you go on to say, "By now, I should probably have well over a half a million stashed away; I've barely 65K."

And one more time, I can sympathize with you Dave. My wife and I barely have 50k saved up and if anything ever happened to separate us, I'd be without since everything is hers...as in, she earned this money, not I. I have absolutely nothing put away and will have to rely on Social Security completely for my survival. Since I'm only getting $611 per month now, I can't see that I'd be able to survive for very long without having financial difficulties.

Skipping the next two questions and moving on to this one, "How do you learn to like yourself when you've been unable to stand the ground you walk on since high school?"

My personal answer is, I dunno. I haven't been able to like myself since I was probably about seven years old. I'm forty one years old now and still can't get past the crap I did to my family when I was younger. I've made a lot of mistakes throughout my life and some of the mistakes I can't seem to forgive myself for. I just dunno how to move on and forget about the past.

And then I was physically injured later in life to the point that I am now disabled and can't physically do the things I was used to doing for most of my life. So, I dunno how to like myself when I can't perform physically to please my wife, to take care of our vehicles, to take care of our home, or to even play with our children.

The only thing I can do, and do well, these days is to chat with people on the Internet and help them find solutions to their problems. Kinda ironic huh? I can help other people with their daily problems, but I can't figure out how to help myself with my own daily problems.

So, where do you live Dave? I'm in Virginia and I'd be more than happy to let you drive my Dodge Durango if you'd buy me a beer and not tell the Cops I was drinking while you were driving, if we got pulled over by the Cops that is. Big Grin

Of course if you drive decent and don't get pulled over, that wouldn't be a problem to begin with. Bigger Grin

Bill

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