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http://www.theonion.com/articles/chipmunks-plan-for-future-b...

PRINCETON, NJ—Highlighting the small woodland creature’s ability to set long-term objectives and competently follow through on them, a Princeton University report released Thursday found that a local 2-year-old eastern chipmunk had crafted a far more secure and responsible future for itself than 8 out of 10 Americans...

“During our 15 months of observation, we found that this chipmunk was better able to formulate plans, execute them, and ultimately enjoy a more balanced and stable life than a full four-fifths of the U.S. population,” said lead researcher Caroline Meehan, noting that the 3-ounce creature possessed sounder judgment and greater self-control than an estimated 250 million Americans. “Indeed, this chipmunk was able to accurately anticipate its wants and needs as far as weeks, months, or even a year ahead of time, whereas 80 percent of our human subjects were entirely incapable of looking beyond their next meal or that night’s television programming.”
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