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Author: AAAAmanda Big red star, 1000 posts Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: of 111  
Subject: How do you find them? Date: 3/12/2009 6:01 AM
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I’ve been experimenting with the polyamorous lifestyle recently. On-line forums have been good to me because they self select for those who have an issue with a woman who isn’t into monogamy. However, so far it has really been just dating. I’ve gained some valuable friendships, but only one was truly comfortable with my extracurricular activities. He was a cuck and frankly, that’s what floats his boat. With another one I was dating (at the same time), we did develop feelings for each other, but this was not something that he would have been comfortable with for too much longer.

Currently, I’m not dating. Not my idea, but that’s just the way things worked out. In a few months or so, I do plan to resume, and again, not be monogamous.

My question is: How do you go from casual dating (which has one set of requirements), to having relationships (which has another set of requirements) with multiple people at one time? How do you find people that are okay with that?
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Author: chloe010600 Three stars, 500 posts Old School Fool CAPS All Star Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: 96 of 111
Subject: Re: How do you find them? Date: 3/12/2009 11:46 AM
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Honesty beyond all else!! It took us quite some time to find a relationship we were comfortable with, and that worked for all concerned, but never did we date anyone without letting them know how we felt and what our eventual expectations were.

Of course there is a time and a place for everything. Key point is to know when to break the ice and being prepared for about any response you can imagine.

Good luck!

Chloe

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Author: AAAAmanda Big red star, 1000 posts Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: 97 of 111
Subject: Re: How do you find them? Date: 3/13/2009 3:44 AM
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Honesty beyond all else!!</1>

I agree. That's one reason why I like the internet. I can be completely honest up front without worrying about how it will be received because the only people who answer me are people for whom it is not an issue.

It took us quite some time to find a relationship we were comfortable with, and that worked for all concerned, but never did we date anyone without letting them know how we felt and what our eventual expectations were.

You say "we." I take this to mean that you have a primary relationship. Did you enter into this relationship knowing that eventually it would be poly?

I don't think that I want a primary relationship. I tend to get a little too wrapped up in a guy, and my emotions hinge on him a little too much. I find that with more people in my life, I can have a little distance, and everyone involved is a lot happier. Does this make sense?

If I have functioning gaydar, and I do (although it's not particularly great) is there something like polydar?

4A


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Author: ishtarastarte Big funky green star, 20000 posts Top Favorite Fools Old School Fool Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: 98 of 111
Subject: Re: How do you find them? Date: 3/13/2009 4:35 PM
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hmm, are you looking for open or poly? because there's a difference

Ishtar
wanted poly, ended up with open, was a disaster, twice

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Author: AAAAmanda Big red star, 1000 posts Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: 99 of 111
Subject: Re: How do you find them? Date: 3/14/2009 4:11 AM
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I'm dating open, because this is a new lifestyle for me. I just finally decided that I wasn't happy being held to a Judeo/Christian standard.

What I would like to do is have it evolve into poly. I want true relationships where people don't walk out just because their ticked at each other.

Plus, I like the idea of having someone else there who double check my perceptions, if that makes any sense.

4A

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Author: chloe010600 Three stars, 500 posts Old School Fool CAPS All Star Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: 100 of 111
Subject: Re: How do you find them? Date: 3/16/2009 12:22 PM
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Our relationship evolved into what it is today. It wasn't a plaaned thing at first, by any means.

We had an open relationship almost from the beginning, as my partner was very much up front and explained that monogamy was probably not something that would work. After some time, we decided that taking in another partner could be advantageous to us all and was something that we decided to investigate.

After nearly 6 years I can say things have gone very well for us. We have been fortunate, but I will say that it hasn't been without some ups and downs. Once again, I stress honesty, openness, and an uncanny ability to communicate your feelings, as well as being able to put the shoe on the other foot and understand other points of view.

I hope this helps.

Chloe

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Author: AAAAmanda Big red star, 1000 posts Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: 101 of 111
Subject: Re: How do you find them? Date: 3/17/2009 3:46 AM
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I'd like to thank you for your help in answering my questions.

The biggest problem that I see is that there really isn't a set formula set out for this kind of thing. A one on one monogomous relationship, sure - boy meets girl, they date, and if they really love each other, they marry - the end. If a third person enters the relationship, they break up due to "cheating." If the other person enters into a true relationship, then you are considered a "doormat" if you put up with it.

The only American societies that seem to handle polyamory are certain sects of Mormonism in Utah (some of whom I wouldn't get within 10 miles of). Everybody else, not so much.

I am uncomfortable of the idea of a "main" relationship, with someone else being secondary. It makes that other person seem less important. Who would want to be in a relationship where you weren't considered important to the other people in it?

4A

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Author: ishtarastarte Big funky green star, 20000 posts Top Favorite Fools Old School Fool Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: 102 of 111
Subject: Re: How do you find them? Date: 3/17/2009 3:58 AM
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No. Mormonism practices polygyny ONLY, not polyamory. In fact, the term polyamorous was coined to seperate it from polgamy (which is, in practice, only polgyny) (multiple wives.)

In its best form, Mormon polygyny can be good, the senior wife approving of future wives, and the wives being good sister-wives.

In practice, especially in the splinter sects, not always.

It sounds as though you are looking for a possible polyandry (multiple husbands) or a true poly family. Not the same thing.

My experience is men SAY they like the idea of being open, but in practice, they have a hard time with a woman being open. 2 men left me (who not only wanted, but insisted on some type of openness) for monogamous women. The first one definitely cheated on said monogamous woman, and her monogamous attitude didn't stop her from sleeping with my husband, but they've been together 14 years now.

The second one, just never understood the whole idea.

It's difficult, very difficult to make this work.

I still think my ideal relationship is a committed poly relationship, but I don't think I'll ever be able to make it actually work.

It takes very special people to make it work.

Ishtar

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