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It's been quiet around here...

I wanted to ask you all if/how you share with your friends. Do you normally tell your friends what you are going through on a month-to-month basis? Or just keep it quiet until your oven is filled and the yeast is starting to rise?

I mean, normally you don't tell anyone about a pregnancy until - what - 4 months?

But if you tell very close friends about what's going on month-to-month, about the attempts and failures, then if you are successful, your friends will know about it prior to the 4 months, and there's a chance that news will leak. So, do you simply assume that your friends have to be pretty darn close if you are telling them about your trials/tribulations, then they are probably close enough to keep a secret?

does that make sense?
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It's been quiet around here...

Delurking for this one. Hi, folks.

I wanted to ask you all if/how you share with your friends. Do you normally tell your friends what you are going through on a month-to-month basis?

My parents and my in-laws know we're trying. My two closest friends know we're trying. I'm not sure who DH has told. One of my friends will occasionally ask "So, how's it going?" but will back off immediately when I tell her we've had no success yet. (She's 41 and without children of her own, so she has some idea what I'm going through.) My other friend is frankly too tied up in her own stuff right now to be all that interested.

We don't have a huge circle of friends, and none of the people we're close to are at our workplace; so I don't really worry about anything "getting out." If necessary I can carry on a conversation about our unsuccessful attempts; we've been given such long odds I can discuss it pretty dispassionately at this point, no matter how I'm feeling inside.

Don't ask me how I'll feel if we're successful and it leaks; I feel absurdly superstitious about discussing possible success. ;-)

-lizmonster
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we've been given such long odds

Why the long odds, monstergrrl?
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Do you normally tell your friends what you are going through on a month-to-month basis?

No. First of all, I'm a pretty private person (in real life, at least... the boards are a different story). Secondly, I prefer to control the conversation - what to bring up and when - and I felt like as soon as I shared specifics about a treatment cycle, I was inviting other people to follow up with questions about how it went, etc. Taken to the extreme, I felt like telling people specifics meant they would, I dunno, "monitor" me in a way that I didn't really want them to.

I'm sure I missed out on a lot of valuable support through this approach. Telling people here the details always felt good, and I liked knowing that my cyber-friends were sending good vibes my way. But for me, this was not a topic I wanted to inject into my everyday social life.

That said, I did tell a few people in rather vague terms that we were looking into, starting, or going through fertility treatments. Nobody pushed me for details when it was pretty clear I was being vague on purpose.

- Parkway
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Why the long odds, monstergrrl?

Well, first of all, I'm old, in reproductive years - I just turned 39. And DH just had a vasectomy reversal after 11 years (they @#$%ed up the semen analysis, so we've got to go back for another one - it's actually been a while since the operation, but we keep hoping for a different sort of proof - avoiding the issue, I know!). I'm also light on the cervical fluid, and I've noticed a distinct shortening of my periods over the last two years.

Individually, these things are nothing to be alarmed about - and certainly they're nothing next to what some folks are facing. Cumulatively, that's a lot of bricks stacked between us and conception.

The worst part is hoping, time after time, and feeling old and dried up and unfeminine and a complete and total failure for days. Anybody know how to shut off the hope?

-lizmonster


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I don't think that 39 is old, reproductively speaking - I'm 35, and my doc keeps telling me that in the infertility world, I am "young." So how "old" can you be?

BTW, are you open to ARTs at all?

Anybody know how to shut off the hope?

No, but my new strategy is to laugh until I nearly pop a stitch, once per day if at all possible. DH rented the movie "Old School" for me to watch during my recuperation, and this afternoon's stitch-popping laugh came from the scene in the marital therapist's office:

Therapist: Frank, this is a safe place. A place where we can feel free sharing our feelings. Think of my office as a nest in a tree of trust and understanding. We can say anything here.

Frank: Anything? Well, uh, I guess I, deep down, am feeling a little confused. I mean, suddenly, you get married, and you're supposed to be this entirely different guy. I don't feel different. I mean, take yesterday for example. We were out at the Olive Garden for dinner, which was lovely. And, uh, I happen to look over at a certain point during the meal and see a waitress taking an order, and I found myself wondering what color her underpants might be. Her panties. Uh, odds are they are probably basic white, cotton underpants. But I sort of think, well, maybe they're silk panties, maybe it's a thong. Maybe it's something really cool that I don't even know about. You know, and, uh, and I started feeling ... [sees wife staring at him in horror] What?! What, I thought we were in the trust tree in the nest! Are we not??
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BTW, are you open to ARTs at all?

Does this mean "alternative reproductive therapies"? If so, the answer is yes, up to a point. We were told that certain kinds of sperm issues could be dealt with by washing a sample and using garden-variety artificial insemination. I also like what I've heard about IUI. IVF I'm less sanguine about, mostly because of the higher incidence of multiples.

What I would really like to do is find a decent, well-informed RE to talk to. When I originally brought this up with my gyn (now ex-gyn), he sent me directly to an IVF-only clinic for testing. The technicians were nice enough, but we both strongly disliked the doctor. No questions about procedure for this guy - he was too busy telling us how easy it would be to finance the procedure on our charge card. ;-/ I'd really like to know what else we could try - but I know we've got to get that semen analysis done first.

No, but my new strategy is to laugh until I nearly pop a stitch, once per day if at all possible.

This is an excellent idea. DH is really good at making me laugh. I'll recruit him. ;-)

Thanks for taking the time to give some kind words to this navel-gazer.

Take care,

-lizmonster
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What I would really like to do is find a decent, well-informed RE to talk to.

lz-m-grrl, if you tell me where you live (back-channel, if you prefer), I can probably get you some good RE referrals.
BG
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What I would really like to do is find a decent, well-informed RE to talk to.

Liz,

I don't know if you've heard or tried them; but, right in your hometown is one of the best, Dr. Isaac Glatstein at the Reproductive Science Center of Boston (http://www.rscboston.com/).

He was incredible in every way possible that was important to us.

You can contact me offline if you want more information, to ask about our experience at RSC or just an ear.

Good luck,

Jeff

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Thanks, Jeff. But RSC is where we went, and we were told by the doctor (and no, I don't remember which one; I'd have to check the paperwork) that they did IVF, and only IVF. And as I said, they were much more interested in talking to us about financing than answering questions (and DH tried, in a very polite way, repeatedly). I didn't get the impression that evaluating other possibilities (to be done by a different outfit) was in the cards.

They have an excellent reputation, so I was quite surprised by this. In any case, I'm not keen to go back there. Which may be biting off my nose to spite my face, and I'll never say never!

-lizmonster
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I think I'm kinda like Parkway in the who to tell and when department. I just am not up to dealing with any detailed inquiries, at this time. I'm more open to talking about it w/ you wonderful, understanding folks; and with those who aren't pushy about wanting to know who, what, when, where, how, and why!!

Liz, I'm sorry. I didn't know y'all were going through this merry-go-round also. I actually think I'm the oldest one here dealing w/ this at the ancient age of 42. All the best to you.

Grrl, I just can't imagine being you right now. I'd buy you the best steak, drink, and dessert; if you were in town. Here's to your courage, persistance, and fortitude. I want you to know; I admire you, and so many of the others here.

Thank you for allowing me to some-what self-heal in this "club", we find ourselves in.

God Bless all y'all
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Thanks, Jeff. But RSC is where we went, and we were told by the doctor (and no, I don't remember which one; I'd have to check the paperwork) that they did IVF, and only IVF. And as I said, they were much more interested in talking to us about financing than answering questions (and DH tried, in a very polite way, repeatedly). I didn't get the impression that evaluating other possibilities (to be done by a different outfit) was in the cards.

Liz,

I'm very surprised by this as our experience was a complete 180 from what you've expressed above; though in fairness it's been almost two years now and things might have changed. They outlined a number of procedures available to us there. Also, not once were finances discussed (I don't know if this was because of our insurance or not).

They have an excellent reputation, so I was quite surprised by this. In any case, I'm not keen to go back there. Which may be biting off my nose to spite my face, and I'll never say never!

In this type of situation that the boardmembers here share, I think it's of utmost importance to have amongst other things a level of trust and comfort between the RE and ourselves. If you don't feel comfortable there, then you shouldn't go there (Though I'm very curious as to who you spoke with.).


Good luck to you Liz (and everyone else)!

Jeff
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