Not sure if this has been posted already.How to Sing the Blues1. Most Blues begin, "Woke up this morning."2. "I got a good woman," is a bad way to begin the Blues, 'less you stick something nasty in the next line: "I got a good woman - with the meanest face in town."3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes .. sort of: "Got a good woman - with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher - and she weigh 500pound."4. The Blues are not about choice. You stuck in a ditch: You stuck in a ditch, ain't no way out. 5. Blues cars: Chevys and Cadillacs and broken down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or SUV's. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin to die yet. Adults sing the blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.7. Blues can take place in New York City, but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard times in St. Paul or Tucson is just depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City are still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the blues in any place that don't get rain.8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg 'cuz you skiing is not the blues. Breaking your leg 'cuz an alligator be chomping on it is.9. You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.10. Good places for the Blues: a. highway b. jailhousec. empty bed d. bottom of a whiskey glassBad places:a. Ashramsb. gallery openingsc. Ivy League institutionsd. golf courses11. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit'less you happen to be an old man, and you slept in it.12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if:a. you're older than dirtb. you're blindc. you shot a man in Memphisd. you can't be satisfiedNo, if:a. you have all your teethb. you were once blind but now can seec. the man in Memphis lived.d. you have a retirement plan or trust fund13. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Gary Coleman could. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the blues.14. If you ask for water and Baby give you gasoline, it's the Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are:a. wineb. whiskey or bourbonc. muddy waterd. black coffeeThe following are NOT Blues beverages:a. mixed drinksb. kosher winec. Snappled. sparkling water15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse, and dying lonely in a broken down cot.You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or getting liposuction.16. Some Blues names for women:a. Sadieb. Big Mamac. Bessied. Fat River Dumpling17. Some Blues names for men:a. Joeb. Williec. Little Willied. Big Willie18. Persons with names like Sierra, Sequoia, and Rainbow can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.19. Make yer own Blues name (starter kit):a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, etc.)(Now wait a minute! Kiwi is a blues fruit??? )c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)For example, Blind Lime Jefferson or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc.20. I don't care how tragic your life; you own a computer, you cannot sing the blues!
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