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Author: lizmonster Big gold star, 5000 posts Old School Fool Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: of 308881  
Subject: Re: I'm being selfish! And I hate it! Date: 9/13/2003 11:34 PM
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I can't help but feel resentful that his card has run back up so high. We both had a problem in college, and now we're serious about getting rid of the debt, and honestly a big chunk of his card were emergencies (i.e. airfare, tuition) that we didn't have an efund for.

How big a chunk of his card?

I ask, only because it sounds like you guys might not be on precisely the same wavelength when it comes to finances. I agree with windyelliott that everything ought to remain separate - debt included - until you are actually legally married; but even as roommates you should have the rules spelled out VERY clearly, and this means a dispassionate and decidedly unromantic discussion.

I used to hate discussing money. HATE it. Something about it made me feel like a little kid who'd done something wrong, and that every opinion, suggestion and desire I had around the issue was worthless. DH and I discussed a lot of abstracts before we were married, but when everything was legal we had to sit down and put together a budget. It was absolutely agonizing for me, but we did it. And we've revised the budget repeatedly since then. It gets easier every time. I find the comfort of knowing precisely what goes where and what belongs to whom far outweighs any vestigial discomfort over discussing the issue.

As for him "bringing home more bacon" than you - another reason to discuss finances now. People contribute to relationships in different ways; people have different strengths and weaknesses. Some people just have careers that earn more than others - and IMHO unless you're marrying each other for money, that just doesn't matter. It sounds like you feel your opinions on where the money goes should matter less, because you bring less of it home - and that on some level you already resent that. It won't get better when you get married.

Talk, talk, and talk again, and do it now, before you make the commitment. Find a system that works for you both, and commit to revisiting your system if either of you ever feels uncomfortable with how it's working.

And try to get past feeling like you have less of a say because you're currently bringing in less money. Once you are married, any financial decision by either of you affects you both equally.

-lizmonster
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