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Author: KezFromOZ Big gold star, 5000 posts Old School Fool Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: of 15005  
Subject: Re: May I ask a question? Date: 4/3/2003 7:45 AM
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I have read your responces with great interest. Words are still scrambled for me at present so please bare with me.

I have tried to take my life 5 or 6 times in the past 4 years. I never talked about it however, somehow my Mother in particular was tuning in on my body language as I would say something stupid like, "I wonder how far I could swim out to sea before I got exhausted?" and "Why do so many good people get cancer & not me?"....the list goes on.

My ex used to talk suicide on a number of occations. He often talked about hanging himself, this frightened me but how does one sick person hear the plea from another sick person although I didn't acknowledge having a problem at the time. Am I making sense?

Anyway, the first few attempts were a definate cry for help. One instance was when I locked myself in my garage, placed a hose into the exhaust pipe and started the engine. What I also took with me was my cordless phone. Just on the brink of falling asleep I dialed for help.

This last attempt has no words and no excuses. I was totally irrational.
Yes I thought of my daughter, My Mother, Mark & my animals but I had a justified excuse, the main one being is 'they'll get over it. Ya see, when you see no beauty in yourself it is hard to comprehend how others can! I open my eyes every day and see so much beauty but if I close my eyes it all disappears. Gosh I hope you are understanding this, I am trying very hard here.

This has been going on for way too long that even a memory of driving my car over a sharp bend a couple of years ago still scares me.
I have seen at least 5 therapists but felt the room was closing in on me and couldn't focus. My attention span was no more than 5 seconds and would often walk away feeling worse.

Now for the good news:

My meds have been doubled (anti depressents)
I had my first session with a psychyatrist & new therapist yesterday. I have instantly connected with Sharon (Therapist) actually, I think she is more ratty than me:o) she makes me laugh and she also has a knack on how to turn my tears on. I have an 11am appointment with her tomorrow.

I gave my Mother a huge hug yesterday & today and she is going to get another one tomorrow. Yes! I felt her pain, the pain I didn't care about a week ago.
Mark, my sweet Mark. He is an angel. He cried today and this woke an awarness up in my that I have lacked for a long time. We sat together and said nothing. Sometimes we can say more when we say nothing at all.

I called my daughter tonight and told her how much I love her and how proud I am of her. She's a real character and had me laughing and for a few minutes, the old Kerri came back, the one I hope to be again very soon.

My little dog Mitzi hasn't left my side. I look around and feel all this love inside it doesn't feel normal. That would be because I have spent too many years feeling sorry for myself.

Am I still feeling suicidal? Yes I am but I will not act on it. I have too many reasons to live and can't find one reason to die. Wearing the face of a clown is OK for now, it won't have to stay there for much longer.

Finally, I reach out to you and you take my hand. Hey, what more would a person want. Maybe my short death last week has helped me to see beauty again, even with my eyes closed. My ears are also listening and not just hearing. These are good for a beginning don't you think?;o)

Thank you ALL. Thank you TMF for opening a cyber gateway and alert us that the world isn't all doom & gloom in these sad political times.

Stay safe
thanks for being there.

Love

Kerri
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