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Author: DocHathaway Two stars, 250 posts Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: of 2281  
Subject: I hope this isn't a dead board Date: 8/11/2009 12:22 AM
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As it turns out, after 3 years of trying to have a child, my wife miscarried over the weekend. We didn't know she was pregnanct, so luckily we didn't form that connection, and the silver lining was that she proved she was able to have kids and the medicine she was on that caused the miscarraige was needed, (unless she was to spend the next 8 months bed0ridden and in pain).

That silver lining doesn't brighen my life, if you know what I mean. Any advice would be appreciated, for me especially, since she doesn't seem to be aS bothered by it as I do (though she still is bothered).
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Author: tconi Big gold star, 5000 posts Old School Fool Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: 2240 of 2281
Subject: Re: I hope this isn't a dead board Date: 8/11/2009 7:35 PM
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since she doesn't seem to be aS bothered by it as I do

she might be bothered more later.
she might be in the denial part of grief.

However she is handling it, you are free to grieve to whatever extent necessary.
I can only speak from my own experiences.
I have had varying depth of emotion during/after different miscarriages, and sometimes my partner thought he needed to be *strong* for me, and wasn;t free to have his own sadness.

But it is a Real Loss.
and i don't think you have to justify your feelings to yourself or anyone - just ask your sife for some support if you need to be sad.
and a few days (or weeks) from now, perhaps your wife will need to grieve in her own way about it, and she will probably want your support then.
In her own way, in her own time.

My solemn thoughts for you both.


peace & handling things
t

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Author: dusty2004 Big red star, 1000 posts Old School Fool CAPS All Star Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: 2241 of 2281
Subject: Re: I hope this isn't a dead board Date: 8/12/2009 7:55 AM
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While I have never been in this situation myself I have to say that my daughter and her husband have been. My heart goes out to you (as it did to her). Her story has a happy ending as she has 2 beautiful children now.

I hope the future has bright things for you and your wife. Please talk with her and let her know how much this is effecting you.

Dusty

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Author: GardenStateFool Big gold star, 5000 posts Old School Fool Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: 2242 of 2281
Subject: Re: I hope this isn't a dead board Date: 8/12/2009 10:26 AM
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I'm so sorry that this has happened, but as you pointed out, there is a silver lining. It's possible for you.

For her, there may be some mixed feelings in there - and one may be relief. Not that she miscarried, but that it IS possible for her. Part of what frustrated me deeply when I was struggling was the part that it was "all my fault," and that I couldn't do anything about it.

It's possible that she is more relieved about the silver lining than you are, is because it lifts a weight from her and restores that idea of hope, very tangibly.

But the most critical part of getting through this, is getting through it together and really, really talking about what you're feeling in the process. Sometimes you don't do it because you don't know what to say, or how to say it, or think the other person doesn't want to hear it, or doesn't want to be a burden, or something else.

This is one of the most emotional things you can go through, and I think you should tell her that you're sad and feeling a loss.

It's also possible that she may not be as upset now because she believes that "hey! We may have turned a corner!" only to be doubly affected the next time she gets her period when she had her hopes up - it may affect her in a delayed sort of way.

I'm sorry that this has happened.

GSF

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Author: legalwordwarrior Big funky green star, 20000 posts Old School Fool Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: 2243 of 2281
Subject: Re: I hope this isn't a dead board Date: 8/17/2009 5:39 PM
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That silver lining doesn't brighen my life, if you know what I mean. Any advice would be appreciated, for me especially, since she doesn't seem to be aS bothered by it as I do (though she still is bothered).

As others have said, it's possible that your DW is looking more to the positive of "It's possible" rather than to the loss of a pregnancy she wasn't aware of.

It's been a long time since I dealt with this from the perspective of the denied mom (13 yrs), but I can tell you that it was probably harder for me when I had already found out I was pregnant and began the process of preparing for the delivery date (June 8) than it would have been if I'd miscarried before I took the test. I will tell you that it took us just over a year for me to get pregnant again, and while it wasn't as bad in the first few months that were cleared, it became an absolute obsession as the one year anniversary date of the miscarriage neared. DH reached a point where he just didn't know what to say to me! We'd already had our daughters with no problems, so it felt very odd not to be able to just snap my fingers and have it happen. However, it did happen and my "baby" is now 12 and eats like a lumberjack as he is rapidly growing taller than me!

You mentioned medicine that your DW was taking that caused the loss. Is she still on the medicine? Maybe she's just pushing all thoughts of motherhood away until she's finished with it?

LWW

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Author: DocHathaway Two stars, 250 posts Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: 2244 of 2281
Subject: Re: I hope this isn't a dead board Date: 8/18/2009 2:20 PM
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Yes, she has stopped that medication, though she finished it before it was confirmed. The Steroids and Vicodin were for her sciatica, and that is much better now, thank you.

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Author: MajorDad61 Two stars, 250 posts Old School Fool Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: 2245 of 2281
Subject: Re: I hope this isn't a dead board Date: 9/1/2009 11:28 AM
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Doc,

DW and I went through five years of progressive "treatments". We were finally successful on our third IVF cycle.

I can't tell much about your history, but realize that this can take some time.

Best of luck,

-MD

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