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If there is a God, He should reveal himself to you, right?
So I asked that. Small steps. Faith, then action, then faith.

I've been giving it some additional thought this morning, and I think that my other issue is: I am essentially selfish.

I ask myself why I want to believe in anything. The answer, of course, is, all for my own benefit: I want comfort, I want to believe that there is some kind of afterlife, and why do I want that? Because I am afraid of the mathematical concept of eternity. (Really. It's not that I'm afraid of nothingness, etc. It's the dissolution of self and the concept of eternity that scare me).

This is not to say that I live my life as a selfish person (or at least I hope not!!!). I volunteer my time. I donate to charity. I try to be mindful of my impact on the planet. I try to be a decent human being in my interactions with others, etc. I give a lot of consideration to my actions and really, really try hard to figure out what the right course of action is in any given circumstance.

The only time that I feel I want to believe is when I want something. This time around, it was comfort and the desire to feel as if there were something else useful I could do for my child. Most often, it is associated with confronting my own mortality.

But the fact remains that I tend to view my actions in regard to my impact on humanity, and making the world in general a better place. Looking for a presence in that simply never, ever occurs to me.

It only occurs to me when I'm at my wits' end and I'm looking for something from someone. Essentially, a selfish wish.

I have to admit, if that were the dynamic of a human relationship, my advice to the person would be "Well, that's certainly not healthy."

But I cannot call to mind the idea of god at any other time. Or if I do, it's an academic exercise and usually ends with the rejection that there is such a thing at all. The idea that there might be a god doesn't inform my actions, only my wants and desires.

(Please note, I'm almost talking this out with myself as I'm writing it. It's the first time its really occurred to me this way).

So, if all I want from a god is my prayers answered, that makes me a pretty lousy worshipper.

And if I do all my good actions without giving god a thought at all, then I am certainly not considering faith in that thought process either.

I'm not sure where the next step on this thought ladder is, though.

(I ask LOTS of questions. By odds, a couple will turn out to be halfway decent eventually...)
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When Life Gives You Lemons
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