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Author: buncherman206 Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: of 6776  
Subject: I'm an idiot. Date: 2/27/2012 11:32 PM
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Here's what happened. I had and inappropriate conversation on Facebook with a woman I used to know. Ok, that happened, I cannot deny that. Time goes on and I change the pw on my eamil account. I did not know it at the time, but my wife's email account was linked somehow to my email account. When I changed my pw both me and her received email notices.

A few days go by and I try to log in to my email account. Wrong pw?!? What the heck? I try the new and old pws, but no dice. I try to open my FB, same thing. I'm freaking at this point. What the heck is going on? I try to change my email pw using another email address I had to come up with. They ask you some questions only you would know D.O.B., last email topics, old pw's etc. What I do notice though is 2 email accounts that will receive notices. I'm bewildered. what's going on? I never added any one elses email to my account. Why the heck would I? It doesn't make sense. Anyway I get access to my email account again, but only for the day. Same thing. Believe it or not I don't recognize her email address because they only showed the first letter then a bunch of stars then @gmail.com.

So now my email account and my FB account are highjacked. She changed the email address on my FB account so I have absolutely now hope of getting it back now. She confronted me today and I, of course had no defense. I confessed every thing. It's all I could do. There was no point in lying. I am a scumbag for chatting with that old acquaintence, that is clear. My questions to you are now what? If I received an email notice for some one else I'm sure I wouldn't have gone that far. No way. Confronting me was the right thing to do, but high jacking both accounts? Am I wrong here? Is right? Please help me. Let me know what you guys think.
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Author: YewGuise Big red star, 1000 posts Old School Fool Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: 6769 of 6776
Subject: Re: I'm an idiot. Date: 2/28/2012 10:02 AM
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I had an inappropriate conversation on Facebook with a woman I used to know....
Am I wrong here?


Yes.

Ok, that happened, I cannot deny that...
I confessed every thing. It's all I could do. There was no point in lying. I am a scumbag for chatting with that old acquaintence, that is clear.


It's not clear you get it. You start by acknowledging that the conversation was "inappropriate," then you downgrade the offense to "chatting."
What is clear is that this is a classic case of "not sorry for what you did, but sorry you were caught." (You never do explain what prompted you to have the inappropriate conversation in the first place, you only mention that "time goes on," hinting that therefore it doesn't matter.)
And you compound your guilt by trying to change the subject to your wife's reaction, and put her in the wrong.

Let's set aside for a moment who's "right" and who's "wrong," or even if blame is 50/50, 80/20, or some other ratio. The more important questions are:
- Do you want to stay married? Why or why not?
- Does your wife want to stay married? Why or why not?
- Going forward, if you both want to stay married, what standards of conduct are you both willing to agree to, and what safeguards against lapses are you both willing to agree to?

IMO these questions are for you to explore with your wife, not with the board. Good luck.

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Author: LaraAmber Big red star, 1000 posts Old School Fool Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: 6770 of 6776
Subject: Re: I'm an idiot. Date: 2/28/2012 11:38 AM
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Were you wrong? Oh heck yes. You effectively cheated. No, you didn't sleep with someone else, but that's just opportunity. (If that inappropriate conversation happened in a bar with your wife out of town, how would that night have ended?) I am a scumbag for chatting with that old acquaintence Oh please, you weren't "chatting". My husband wouldn't even blink that I was talking to an ex-boyfriend about work, TV shows, and our kids. He's met some of my ex-boyfriends and some of my "could have been" male friends and liked most of them (and became friends with a few).

Was she wrong to change your passwords? Not in my opinion. You've already proven yourself untrustworthy. Why? Because 1. you had the inappropriate conversation and 2. you confessed AFTER she already found out. That's not confessing, that's a plea bargain.

In my household we have separate email accounts and Facebook accounts, but we don't hold anything private. We know each other's passwords. Our Facebook accounts are completely open to each other. We both regularly go into the other person's account on accident (let the computer logged in to the wrong person) or on purpose (need a copy of an email). Your expectation of privacy with a spouse pretty much ends at "don't go try to figure out what I got you for Christmas".

Your "chatting" may have just ended your marriage.

Lara Amber

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Author: YewGuise Big red star, 1000 posts Old School Fool Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: 6771 of 6776
Subject: Re: I'm an idiot. Date: 2/28/2012 2:14 PM
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Your expectation of privacy with a spouse pretty much ends at "don't go try to figure out what I got you for Christmas".

Works for you. If other couples agree to larger zones of privacy, I think that's OK, the operative word being "agree."

One thing I find puzzling is that about 3 years ago OP's wife had a gambling problem, so I would have thought that after that experience he'd prefer more transparency on both sides. (I don't know if current wife is the same one, or if there's been a divorce/remarriage.) Maybe in contrast to the gambling issues, the "where do we draw the line regarding FB/email" question just didn't seem important and wasn't discussed. However, it's naive to think anything on FB is private, regardless of settings. Teenagers routinely are taken aback by police finding out about their underage drinking from their own postings, for example, but OP is old enough to realize that anything on FB can, sooner or later, be found by friends, prospective employers, granny, other relatives, etc. Which begs the question: why was he engaging inappropriately with another woman in such a public forum? Was he just joking around, and figured that would be obvious? Was he on some level rebelling against marriage and wanting to get found out? Or did he think (a) FB is private and he wouldn't get found out and also (b) it's OK for a married man to fool around online as long as his wife doesn't know and there's no physical follow-up?

I don't know enough to figure out what really happened or why, but I do feel OP's question (of whether his wife was right or wrong to "hijack" his accounts) is somewhat irrelevant. For example, IF we said, "she was wrong to change the passwords," then what? Would he figure they're even, and that therefore she should magically not care about his FB postings, even after she demonstrated pretty clearly that she does care? He seems more interested in winning an argument than in repairing or even acknowledging the damage.

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Author: buncherman206 Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: 6772 of 6776
Subject: Re: I'm an idiot. Date: 2/28/2012 10:18 PM
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You're both right. I just ruined something that has been good for 23 years. And, yes I only felt bad after I was caught. Cinderella was right, "You don't know what you got til it's gone." I better look for some rope.

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