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Author: impolite Big gold star, 5000 posts Top Favorite Fools Old School Fool Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: of 38403  
Subject: I'm just gonna get this all off my chest Date: 10/2/2012 4:23 PM
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Skip if you are tired of hearing about The Dead Guy*.

T was convinced the big kids will forget about Grandpa. Possibly because he had people** die when he was very, very young and then not again until he was a teen....so he associates kids + dead people = forgetfulness. In the first few days I couldn't wrap my head around this, but once I figured out *why* he thought that way, I was able to explain that I most certainly remembered family members (including grandparents) that passed away when I was young. So he feels better about that now. Not that he was mad about the possibility of them forgetting - he was just extremely sad about it.

The part that absolutely kills me? Leroy Jethro. He won't remember him, because he is too little. I have no idea why this throws me for a loop but let me tell you people, I'm teary-eyed even writing this. I don't know if it's because Grandpa lovedlovedloved Leroy Jethro and he won't get to feel that for himself in a way he can remember, or because of all the neato things The Big Kids got to do with him that LJ never will...hell I don't know, it just gets me every time.

See also: He Didn't Have To Be

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BjO1F6oCab8

It's a song I always thought of T on when I heard it, because he chose to be a father to my children. His Dad chose to be his dad, at about the same age Q was when T and I started dating. Of course, it always brought up feelings in T for his Dad too.....and he put it on the CD we had at the visitation. AGAIN WITH THE TEARY-EYED JUST THINKING ABOUT IT.

When I saw T's Uncle C at the hospital I swear, I'm not kidding about this, I mean it, I thought: thank gawd a grown-up is here. Weird that you can still feels like such a kid sometimes.

My brain was so fried, I didn't read a book. For a little over a week. Finally picked one up late yesterday.

There is so much to do. So, so much to do. He had two businesses we have to sell/shut down, plus equipment associated with each. The accountant they use was at the visitation, so she knows we'll be needed her help. I think the first "next step" is to tidy up billing and make sure all outstanding invoices are issued, all unused parts are returned, etc. His biggest supplier has been more than gracious with our questions so far, and has offered to come to the house and sort through stuff that might be returnable and help us find a buyer for stuff that isn't. So that's nice.

Selfishly: it's been very nice having T home again. Sure, I'm used to him being gone over a week at a time hunting and such - but not when I'm an emotional wreck and he is too. It was tough, though we were only 45 minutes apart at any given time.

Wretched is being a person what needs physical comfort at a time your spouse needs to be left alone (he's not a touchy feely kind guy most of the time). Thank gawd his family are huggers. I even sat on Great Grandma's lap at one point. Hold me Grandma! T thanked me late Saturday night - he knew I'd been struggling and doing my best not to crowd him, and he thought I'd done a pretty admirable job of it - even if he got annoyed from time to time, he could see I was actively dialing it back. So {whew} on that one.

The kids. Q has decided I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT THANKS as his method of dealing with it; Her Bootiness had a good cry with Grandma (T's mom), and has been vocal about her feelings since. I told T Q is getting his method of dealing with it from the man that's raising him {AHEM}, and T's all I know. So they have some Boy Time scheduled here and there, plus a good talk last night too.

DN stepped right up to the plate when I told him. Took The Big Kids when needed, took Q for some time alone one night when it was obvious he needed one of his dads and T was still out of town, made sure to let the kids know they could call him, or they could call us with him, whenever they needed while all this was getting sorted out, etc. Kudos to him.

T's liver - hell, the liver of every member of the family - needs a good detox. We are talking 30 pack a night for most of them. Not sharing - each. GAH. Now the texts/emails to each other are about how much water they are getting in. <sigh> Kids. Cartons (CARTONS) of cigarettes were smoked, also. Rednecks do grieving up right.

This just absolutely rocked our generation (we are still called The Kids; our kids are called The Grandkids). Not just family-wise; T's friends and my friends are all GAH OMG NO NO WE HAVE LIKE 30 YEARS BEFORE WE ARE SUPPOSED TO DEAL WITH THIS CHIT KTHANKSBAI. I guess we expect stuff like car wrecks; heart attacks sound like something old people have. Our grandparents are old, dammit, not our parents. We just got old enough for our parents to be cool, for gawd's sake!

We cancelled camping for this coming weekend, since we basically haven't been home for two weekends now and the house (and yard, and vehicles) look it. We need to get caught up. SO we decide this, yes? Then the Fall Tourney schedule comes out....a game a day, starting Friday. VIOLENT EYEROLL

I really thought I had more years of FIL in my life.

impolite

* The Dead Guy would approve of this humor
** His bio father when he was 2, a bio-grandfather, etc.
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Author: WallyLock Big red star, 1000 posts Old School Fool Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: 34188 of 38403
Subject: Re: I'm just gonna get this all off my chest Date: 10/2/2012 5:25 PM
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Skip if you are tired of hearing about The Dead Guy*.

Wouldn't dream of it. My best to you and your family.

Wally

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Author: Myownigloo Big funky green star, 20000 posts Old School Fool Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: 34189 of 38403
Subject: Re: I'm just gonna get this all off my chest Date: 10/2/2012 6:05 PM
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This just absolutely rocked our generation (we are still called The Kids; our kids are called The Grandkids). Not just family-wise; T's friends and my friends are all GAH OMG NO NO WE HAVE LIKE 30 YEARS BEFORE WE ARE SUPPOSED TO DEAL WITH THIS CHIT KTHANKSBAI. I guess we expect stuff like car wrecks; heart attacks sound like something old people have. Our grandparents are old, dammit, not our parents. We just got old enough for our parents to be cool, for gawd's sake!

There have been a few points in my life where one generation had to deal with the "last" of a generation and then realize that they were now the patriarchs. (It's happened on my dad's side, but on my mom's side, I am one aunt's passing away and she's fading fast.)

Your post makes me realize what my poor mother must have gone through when her dad died. I remember it because I was 5 or 6, but now that I read your post, I realize that he was in his fifties and she would not yet have been out of her twenties.

I had no idea. To me looking back, it had always just been "the time Grandpa died," and I looked at it as sad as any death is. But your post puts it in a whole new perspective.

((((Imp and T and Family))))

MOI

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Author: Frydaze1 Big gold star, 5000 posts Old School Fool Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: 34190 of 38403
Subject: Re: I'm just gonna get this all off my chest Date: 10/2/2012 6:24 PM
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Skip if you are tired of hearing about The Dead Guy*.

Not yet. Ask me again in about 20 years.



The part that absolutely kills me? Leroy Jethro. He won't remember him, because he is too little. I have no idea why this throws me for a loop but let me tell you people, I'm teary-eyed even writing this.

I still cry when thinking that my grandfather (who died in 2004) never got to meet DF. And that's not even close to as important as Leroy Jethro getting to know his grandfather. There's no time limit on grieving for that stuff.


DN stepped right up to the plate when I told him.

I'm so glad to hear that.



Hugs and hang in there,
Frydaze1

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Author: DizChick Big red star, 1000 posts Old School Fool Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: 34191 of 38403
Subject: Re: I'm just gonna get this all off my chest Date: 10/2/2012 8:07 PM
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Your post hit home for so many reasons. Got all teary eyed before I had to run out and grab DD from preschool, so I had no time to reply earlier.

Last November, we lost my grandfather. I can't believe it's nearly been a year already. Granted he was in his 80's, and had been progressively ill, but it still hit people hard.


But related to this, my father is also 59. One day we were talking and he casually mentioned he'd been to his doctor and was getting "back on" (maintenance medication for a chronic issue that should be taken daily). Um, Dad, when did you stop taking it?? Geez! I'm 99% sure his refills ran out and he just never bothered to call the doctor about it, or schedule a physical to get them refilled.

I am also currently pregnant. If the worst were to happen, DD is 4 and might remember him some. I lost great-grandparents around that age, and my memories are weak. But the little one still cooking would probably have no memories if a death were to occur in the next few years. :-(

I totally understand mourning for yourselves as well as for the loss of what LJ will never know. Again, I'm so sorry for your loss.

:-(

DizChick

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Author: isewquilts2 Big red star, 1000 posts Old School Fool Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: 34193 of 38403
Subject: Re: I'm just gonna get this all off my chest Date: 10/2/2012 10:47 PM
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I get it, Imp, about Leroy Jethro.

My Dad died when I was 21. I hadn't yet met my future DH or had kids, and neither had my younger brother and sister. It still gets me that Dad and DH and my kids never got a chance to meet each other.

I'm still upset about that, 35 years later.


isewquilts

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Author: PipneyJane Big gold star, 5000 posts Old School Fool Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: 34195 of 38403
Subject: Re: I'm just gonna get this all off my chest Date: 10/3/2012 8:29 AM
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The part that absolutely kills me? Leroy Jethro. He won't remember him, because he is too little. I have no idea why this throws me for a loop but let me tell you people, I'm teary-eyed even writing this. I don't know if it's because Grandpa lovedlovedloved Leroy Jethro and he won't get to feel that for himself in a way he can remember, or because of all the neato things The Big Kids got to do with him that LJ never will...hell I don't know, it just gets me every time.

(((((((Imp))))))))

A story about my dad and my nephew (M). Dad died 4 years before M was born. However, when M was a baby, my sister would show him photos of the family so that he'd have faces to associate with names. (Incidentally, my mum died when M was 15 months old.) When M was 3, he took to talking to my dad's picture and carrying it around in his arms. Not long afterwards, M declared to everyone that would listen that his football team was Footscray because that was his grandad's team. Here's the thing: neither my sister nor her husband supported Footscray. Chances are, it's a team that was never mentioned in his hearing apart from when it came up on TV. Where did he get it from?

My belief is that death doesn't sever all ties people have with this world. Some people like to watch over their families and friends. In M's case, I really do believe that my dad "visited" his grandson and played with him and told him stories.

- Pam

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Author: GardenStateFool Big gold star, 5000 posts Old School Fool Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: 34200 of 38403
Subject: Re: I'm just gonna get this all off my chest Date: 10/3/2012 9:16 AM
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This just absolutely rocked our generation (we are still called The Kids; our kids are called The Grandkids). Not just family-wise; T's friends and my friends are all GAH OMG NO NO WE HAVE LIKE 30 YEARS BEFORE WE ARE SUPPOSED TO DEAL WITH THIS CHIT KTHANKSBAI. I guess we expect stuff like car wrecks; heart attacks sound like something old people have. Our grandparents are old, dammit, not our parents. We just got old enough for our parents to be cool, for gawd's sake!

About three months ago, my best friend's dad died suddenly. Suddenly like "went out to get the paper, came back, sat down to read it and bam!" We've been friends for 29 years, the first day of sixth grade. It was always here dad shuttling us everywhere because my dad worked nights, and I spent who-all-knows how many nights sleeping at their house.

I was all strong and helpful for all the stuff leading up to the wake and the funeral. She had him laid out in his favorite Superman t-shirt, rather than a suit & all that, because it just wasn't HIM.

Most of the time I spend at wakes and funerals I don't cry. Either because the loss isn't mine, and I am there to pay respects and give support and love to the living, or because the body in the coffin just doesn't strike me as belonging directly to the person who died. Before that moment at that wake, it was always as if it were a wax statue there, not the person themselves.

Somehow, that particular moment slammed me with this incredible force and I ended up bawling all over my best friend's SO (a great guy) because I suddenly realized that something was now gone and there was no way to fix it, to put it back the way it was.

Since then, I've had four more friends lose parents. Some were my teachers, some were people I didn't know well, but it all seems very immediate and real. They're only around 70 at this point. How is this happening? So quickly? So frequently? Why am I seeing people at funerals instead of weddings and baby showers?

I read a quote once that said that the death of a parent is difficult partly because it removes the last generation between you and your own mortality. I've never forgotten that thought, and I think it's true.

I am so very sorry for your loss, and T's loss, and the kids' loss... it's everyone's. And I understand what you mean by LJ not getting to know him... my older DS met my paternal grandmother several times but she died while I was recuperating from Gator's c-section, so he never met her. He's sometimes jealous of his older brother because DS1 met her and he never got to. It's hard.

((((((imp))))))

As usual, you are amazing and doing a fantastic job, and I'm so happy to hear that DN has stepped up instead of making stuff more difficult.

GSF
(not sure how to end this but getting all sniffly at work so I have to before I start crying at my desk)

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Author: InconclusiveFool Big gold star, 5000 posts Old School Fool Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: 34203 of 38403
Subject: Re: I'm just gonna get this all off my chest Date: 10/3/2012 12:17 PM
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Your strength is admirable given the circumstances. I understand everything you said. My Dad died when I was 18, and sadly never got to see any of his 8 grandkids - that's an emotional one for all of us. The cliche is true - all the good memories will remain, I can assure you that. Our prayers go out to your family in this difficult time.


Here's a song by folksinger Catie Curtis, titled "My Dad's Yard" that sums it up for me. Maybe it will help you as well:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cFCw9yHGpWk&feature=relat...


Lyrics:
http://catiecurtis.com/index.php?page=songs&display=245

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Author: Ron Three stars, 500 posts Old School Fool CAPS All Star Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: 34204 of 38403
Subject: Re: I'm just gonna get this all off my chest Date: 10/3/2012 6:24 PM
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It's family Imp. It is what it is.

My condolences.

Ron

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