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Author: midastouch017 Big gold star, 5000 posts 10+ Year Anniversary! Old School Fool Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: of 22625  
Subject: Jewish humor Date: 1/10/2013 2:02 PM
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MEAL TIME ON EL-AL
It was mealtime during a flight on El-Al.
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked Moishe, seated in front.
"What are my choices?" Moishe asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.

THE PARKING SPACE
Moishe is driving in Jerusalem. He's late for a meeting, he's looking for a parking place, and can't find one.
In desperation, he turns towards heaven and says: "Lord, if you find me a parking place, I promise that I'll eat only kosher, respect Shabbos, and all the holidays."
Miraculously, a place opens up just in front of him. He turns his face up to heaven and says, "Never mind, I just found one!"

PHILANTHROPY
A visitor to Israel attended a recital and concert at the Moscovitz
Auditorium. He was quite impressed with the architecture and the acoustics.
He inquired of the tour guide, "Is this magnificent auditorium named after
Chaim Moscovitz, the famous Talmudic scholar?" "No," replied the guide.
"It is named after Sam Moscovitz, the writer."
"Never heard of him. What did he write?"
"A check", replied the guide.
CHANUKAH STAMPS
A woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Chanukah cards. She
says to the clerk "May I have 50 Chanukah stamps please."
"What denomination?" says the clerk.
The woman says "Oy vey...my god, has it come to this?
Okay, give me 6 orthodox, 12 conservative and 32 reform!"

THE CITIZENSHIP TEST
Saul Epstein was taking an oral exam in his English as a Second Language class.
He was asked to spell "cultivate," and he spelled it correctly. He was then
asked to use the word in a sentence, and, with a big smile, responded:
"Last vinter on a very cold day, I vas vaiting for a bus, but it vas too cultivate, so I took the subvay home."

THE MEZUZAHS
A wealthy Jewish man buys a fabulous home in Beverly Hills.
He brings in a local workman to decorate the place.
When the job is finished, the homeowner is delighted but realizes that he's
forgotten to put mezuzahs on the doors. He goes out and buys 50 mezuzahs and asks the decorator to place them on the right hand side of each door except bathrooms and kitchens.
He's really worried that the decorator will chip the paint work or won't put
them up correctly. However, when he comes back a few hours later, he sees
that the job has been carried out to his entire satisfaction. He's so
pleased that he gives the decorator a bonus.
As the decorator is walking out of the door he says, "Glad you're happy with
the job. By the way, I took out all the warranties in the little boxes and
left them on the table for you!"


MOISHE
Moishe Goldberg was heading out of the Synagogue one day, and as always
Rabbi Mendel was standing at the door, shaking hands as the congregation departed.
The rabbi grabbed Moishe by the hand, pulled him aside and whispered these
words at him: "You need to join the Army of God!"
Moishe replied: "I'm already in the Army of God, Rabbi."
The rabbi questioned: "How come I don't see you except for Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur?"
Moishe whispered back: "I'm in the secret service."
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Author: stevenjklein Big funky green star, 20000 posts Feste Award Nominee! Old School Fool Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: 22203 of 22625
Subject: Re: Jewish humor Date: 1/20/2013 1:23 PM
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Good jokes, and worth a rec (which I gave you), but I have a question about this:

except bathrooms and kitchens

What rav paskens that you don't need a mezuzah on a kitchen door?

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