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Author: Kez7 Big gold star, 5000 posts Old School Fool Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: of 461  
Subject: Just letting the words flow - long Date: 1/16/2005 6:54 PM
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Gapfan & BklynBorn, this board (& The Motley Fool) are very lucky to have you. My personal thanks to you. I will be taking full advantage of you both :o)

My interactions with AA meetings go back to the late 1980's where I attended at least one meeting per week, mostly two. This continued for about 12 months, then I was convinced that I wasn't 'like' them and I was wasting my time as well as theirs, so I stopped going.

I never stood at the podium to share my experiences. My stories just weren't strong enough to tell. I was a 'saint' compared to 'them'.

In retrospect, I found the gutter hadn't quite hit me in the face hard enough at this time & needed to prove that I wasn't an alcoholic, after all, this doesn't happen to people like me! I have 'control', I am the master of my life and booze isn't going to do all that horrible stuff to me like it had to those poor people at the meetings.

I was a dry drunk!

~~~~~~~~~

It was in 1991 I met a wonderful man, 11 years my senior. I was a single parent with a 5 year old daughter. He was a recovering alcoholic and had been enjoying his sobriety for 12 years. His past amazed me. How could this kind, quiet man ever have a criminal record???
Our Higher Power works in mysterious ways.

Out of respect for him & our relationship, I ceased drinking once again. This lasted for about 8 months until I became very comfortable in the partnership. I 'had' control though, plus everything I ever wished for.
I had it ALL. We married in 1993 and were very happy.

It wasn't too long before I was bringing alcohol into our home. That was OK because I was only effecting myself. WRONG!!!!!

"Why do you have the need to keep wine in the refrigerator all the time?" my Husband would ask.

"I don't need to" I replied, "It just calms my nerves and I enjoy it".

I never saw the glass as half full.

I couldn't even take a bath without cigarettes in one hand & a glass of wine in the other

Oddly, it wasn't entirely the booze that contributed to our Marriage breakdown in 1998, OR WAS IT??? I still can't answer that question.

There were other contributing factors, all relationships have bumps but, nothing that bad to walk away from this lovely, gentle man & the security of home ownership. Did I consider my daughter at all?
I broke this man & destroyed his soul.

From the moment I relocated into a rental property I went into self destruct. My daughter was a vulnerable 13 year old with hormones bouncing off the walls. I needed to drink, to cope. She became distant and the following year decided to leave and went to live with her biological father. I was relieved but so angry.

The gutter became closer & closer. I was alone. My companion was in a bottle & I lived in that bottle with it. Just the two of us.
I was blind toward the people who loved me. I was deaf toward their words. I was numb with their feelings, why not! I hated me, so why didn't they?

Soon came the suicide attempts. The Motley Fool actually contributed to litterally saving my life with one attempt. That acknowledgement puts a knot in my stomach, every time.

In 2000, my best friend & now partner moved from the South Coast to the Country. This would be a new beginning. I can do this, not for me but for my family & friends. My Partner is also a non drinker. Not alcoholic, he just hates the stuff.

It was 2001, my estranged husband committed suicide. He had returned to the booze. I don't want to get into that right now.

For 2 years I shared a house with my Patner until, once again, I needed to be on my own. It was History repeating itself, and repeat it did!

I have now been living in my appartment for 18 months. I hit rock bottom about 12 months ago. I still slip from time to time and this is where this board comes in.

Although I have improved my life, it is still just a drop of water in the bucket.
The physical & mental scars are awful. I don't go out very often; I'm not interested in making friends, I have however, learnt how to love myself again. It's a start and can only get better.

That is all for now.

Thank you

Kerri
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