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Author: czarinav Big red star, 1000 posts Old School Fool Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: of 578  
Subject: More grieving Date: 12/1/2010 7:51 PM
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The last time I was on this board it was about my husband who died in 2004...it was the second time I was widowed.

In 2008 my grown daughter almost died after contracting a brain virus. She did not die, but has suffered severe brain damage and will never be able to care for herself. She now lives with me, along with her son, who I am mothering because she is unable to do so.

She has lost her former life, I have lost the daughter I used to have. We now forming a different relationship and it is very hard for both of us.

Until earlier this year I had hoped there was some chance of her getting better, to some degree. After a talk with her pyschiatrist today, it appears she has stopped improving, and perhaps has regressed. It is a stuggle everyday, as she cannot even attend to her daily living activities without my help or the help of others.

I am looking for ways to remain centered and not give into depression and exhaustion.
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Author: AlisonWonderland Big funky green star, 20000 posts Old School Fool Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: 561 of 578
Subject: Re: More grieving Date: 12/1/2010 11:25 PM
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Sigh. All I can offer is cyber hugs, good thoughts and prayers.

(((((czarinav)))))

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Author: Howie52 Big funky green star, 20000 posts Old School Fool Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: 562 of 578
Subject: Re: More grieving Date: 12/2/2010 8:04 PM
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"I am looking for ways to remain centered and not give into depression and exhaustion. "

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Seems as though you might need to develop a plan - how to live,
how to obtain care, where support might be found, and how to deal
with care when you are ill or need to fulfill your own needs.
Perhaps talking to your local minister/rabi/her pysch.

Life does not always cooperate with plans - so options are good
to think about.

Howie52
Focus on what can be possible rather than losses.

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Author: GrandpaRalph Big red star, 1000 posts Old School Fool Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: 563 of 578
Subject: Re: More grieving Date: 12/3/2010 8:38 AM
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czarinav,

I am so sorry for the many losses in your life.

After my wife passed in 2004, I was left with two teenage girls to finish raising and a mentally handicapped adult son at home. The next year was filled with even greater challenges, that I had to deal with....

Howie52 suggested seeking support, and I would like to expand on that. You may think this means just "moral" support from friends/clergy. Don't forget the help available from the various government agencies. For one, your daughter is probably eligible for Social Security. If you are now her guardian, you can apply on her behalf, and be the payee. You should also look into other living arrangement possibilities. Having her stay with you now may be a free choice you have made. But someday, she will need to live somewhere else. Again, there are many local agencies you should be able to lean on. In my case, I just recently placed my son in an independent living facility where he seems very happy, and the costs are covered by Social Security and the agency that helped me place him.

Do not try to do this alone. Help is available, but you will need to seek it. I wish you well, and pray for your strength in getting through this.

Ralph

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Author: TMFSelena Big gold star, 5000 posts Old School Fool CAPS All Star Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: 564 of 578
Subject: Re: More grieving Date: 12/4/2010 5:20 PM
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Czarinav --

I'm so sorry for all your heartache. Life can sure stink sometimes.

I think what Howie52 said is profound: "Focus on what can be possible rather than losses." (I'd do well to remember that, myself, when I focus on life's various disappointments.)

It might also be worthwhile to see a counselor/therapist of some sort yourself, at least for a bit. He or she may be able to help you see how you can best take care of yourself in all this. Because that's important.

Best wishes,

Selena

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Author: czarinav Big red star, 1000 posts Old School Fool Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: 565 of 578
Subject: Re: More grieving Date: 12/4/2010 11:29 PM
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Thank you all for your thoughtful responses.

I am trying to work with the positives. DD's injury has turned her into a very negative person, who balks at the various possibilities that I uncover. I find that it helps if I introduce something, and then bring it up again and again, to get her used to the idea.

Ralph, your situation with your son is something I have been looking for here in California, and cannot find. What is your home state? I heard that kind of facility with social security paying was available in Washington state, for example.

My DD is on SSI not Soc Sec Disability....fewer resources as far as I can tell.(Prior to her brain injury, she was physically ill for many years and did not have enough SS quarters to be covered.)

I am looking into residential possibilities because I know I cannot keep up the pace required for her care. Breaks my heart, but sooner or later she will be totally without any family resources, and I must prepare both her and myself for that.

In the meantime, I am trying to keep the 14 year old on an even keel. He is hurting.

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Author: joycets Big gold star, 5000 posts Old School Fool Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: 566 of 578
Subject: Re: More grieving Date: 12/5/2010 1:44 AM
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How is it going with her son? Is he doing well, how old, how does he feel about all this? He is the future.

joycets

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Author: joycets Big gold star, 5000 posts Old School Fool Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: 567 of 578
Subject: Re: More grieving Date: 12/5/2010 1:47 AM
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I should have read further.... he's 14, a difficult age. Does his school (counselors, etc, all teachers even) know about the situation? Does he have friends who understand about this?

counseling for him and you all as a family may also be helpful.

joycets

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Author: GrandpaRalph Big red star, 1000 posts Old School Fool Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: 568 of 578
Subject: Re: More grieving Date: 12/5/2010 6:44 PM
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Ralph, your situation with your son is something I have been looking for here in California, and cannot find. What is your home state? I heard that kind of facility with social security paying was available in Washington state, for example.

My DD is on SSI not Soc Sec Disability....fewer resources as far as I can tell.(Prior to her brain injury, she was physically ill for many years and did not have enough SS quarters to be covered.)


czarinav,

My home state is Michigan, but virtually all of my son's benefits are federal, not state. He receives both SSI and "Retirement, Survivors, and Disability Insurance". I am not really sure whether he receives this benefit because he is disabled, or because he is a "survivor". The claim number shown on the forms I receive are my wife's SSN, so it may be that this benefit is linked to his mother having passed away. At that time, I filled out a LOT of forms, including some to resurrect my son after Social Security somehow thought he was the one that had passed away.

I have a friend who is familiar with the services available in California, and will attempt to find out something more useful for you.

Ralph

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Author: RainyDayWoman Big red star, 1000 posts Old School Fool Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: 569 of 578
Subject: Re: More grieving Date: 12/6/2010 1:57 AM
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(((((czarinav)))))

Words fail me. What a tough road!

RDW

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Author: GrandpaRalph Big red star, 1000 posts Old School Fool Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: 570 of 578
Subject: Re: More grieving Date: 12/7/2010 8:55 AM
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czarinav,

I am sending you (privately) the email address of a friend who may be able to help in the search for resources that can help in your situation.

On a recent visit with us, she really opened my eyes to help I had no idea existed.

Ralph

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Author: jfruhbauer Big gold star, 5000 posts Old School Fool Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: 571 of 578
Subject: Re: More grieving Date: 12/18/2010 9:16 PM
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Oh my goodness - I can't even imagine what you are going through..

My hopes and prayers go out to you!

Jennifer

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