No. of Recommendations: 41
mrbol,

You've got to stop allowing a bunch of internet addicts get so deeply under your skin (including me). Take a breath. Take some time out from checking the posts. Allow a few to slide by without a response from you.

A number of us just like to see our thoughts in print - it has no bearing on you. The responses you get are often not directed at you, but at the board in general. Everyone sees what everyone else writes, and sometimes we just spout off.

For the record, I don't think there's anything wrong with what you have proposed (except for the part about "threatening" a creditor with bankruptcy to get them to reduce a debt). The way I see it, you goofed, you admit it, you've come up with a solution that is reasonable and acceptable to you. Now you want to offer the solution to your creditors to see if they will agree. If they do, then you will have entered into a new agreement, with the approval of all the parties involved. Nothing at all wrong with that. If they don't agree, you're no further behind than you were. All of this is above board and you have nothing to be ashamed about on that score.

You see, while I would not do what you are proposing, I am not in your shoes and can not realistically understand the nuances of your situation. My comfort meter is more in line with MsPoppy's - I make a commitment, I stick to it, even if it turns out to be harder than I thought when I made it. The reason I have this outlook is because it is what I would expect of someone who made a commitment to ME. While it would make me happy, I don't expect other people to live by my code of ethics. Ultimately, I can make only my own decisions, no one else's, and we each live with the choices we make, good or bad. If they're bad, then hopefully we learn from it.

In my mind, unless you tell them something that isn't true, you aren't committing fraud and are behaving ethically. For whatever reason, you haven't paid them before now but you're willing to do so now. Heck, it sounds to me like you even want to. Your reasons are your business and you don't need to justify them to us. If you choose to try to justify them, some on the board will disagree with you. Some may even disapprove. A select few will disapprove loudly and with great conviction. So what? They don't know who you are. The only power they have over you is the power you allow them to have. At the moment, from where I sit, that's quite a lot. You're giving them a lot of your time, and it sounds to me like you have better uses for that time.

You seem like a bright guy, good head on your shoulders, also possibly a new wife who believes in doing things a certain way and has shown you the error of your former ways - in which case, you certainly don't need to hear it from us.

Just as you are seeking to use your credit to your advantage, learn to use these boards to your advantage. Take what is useful to you and ignore the rest.

If you stick around long enough, you'll see how MsPoppy and others (again, myself included) view things, and maybe more importantly why they view them that way. At the moment, you don't see the benefit in repaying the full amount owed when you can accomplish what you want to accomplish by negotiating a new agreement with your creditors. That's fine. There really is no immediate, direct benefit to you.

You have lived a long time in "immediate gratification mode" and it takes time to shift that view. But in at least one area, you already have. From what I've learned about you by reading all these posts, I think that in time, you'll see the benefit of delayed gratification in other areas, too, and how it benefits all of us (including you). You just haven't gotten there yet.

As for the house you want to get, I believe that you believe it's what you need. You're not going about things in the way I would, but that doesn't make you wrong. You're looking ahead to your future needs and trying to get something that will last you a while. My father and I had this same argument years ago, when he was trying to convince me to take gradual steps, getting successively larger houses. I listened to him, sort of, and stayed where I was until we were ready to bust out the seams. We actually had to buy another house, move half our stuff into it, THEN put our old house on the market - otherwise prospective buyers may have had trouble walking through it. That's how tight things were. We lived in two houses for 6 months until the old one sold.

So listen to the advice you're getting, hear what people are saying, but make your own choice based on what you think is best. You are, after all, the one who will have to live with your decision. But when making that decision, think hard about your past mistakes and see if maybe some of your old thinking is coloring your current planning. Ask yourself if you really NEED what you think you need, or if you are using a valid reason (needing a larger house) to justify a want (a house bigger than you need or than you can currently afford). I am NOT saying that this IS what you're doing - it's really something that only you and your wife can know.

But the time you're spending justifying your actions and your motives is doing nothing more than causing a LOT of posts and giving you an excuse to dig your heels even deeper into a mindset that you already know you're ready to give up.

So feel free to ignore us. Continue to educate yourself as you've been doing. Think about what the people here have said, but don't spend your time responding to each of them. We are all well aware of where you stand and the reasoning behind it... and it's fine. We don't all agree, but we don't have to. It's your life.

And I would guess that some on the board, silent though they may be, DO agree with what you've proposed. They've just learned to keep their mouths shut. <BG>

If, one day, you happen to be espousing MsPoppy's viewpoints to another newbie, I sure hope that someone draws my attention to it. It would be sort of like watching another stepson grow up. :)

SS
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