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Hello,

Had a good long talk with DW last night. Sundays are always the worst days for her because our church has had a baby boom recently. The lady with practically the same due date as DW is especially difficult to cope with, as are the ones who when they first became pregnant complained loudly about how it was an accident and the last thing they wanted. These were close friends of ours, but now when we meet, there's an elephant in the room.

I wanted to talk about one thing she's been feeling, namely a strong desire to kill all these mothers and their babies. On the surface this seems like generic envy or jealousy, but it isn't actually that. One reason is a sense of injustice--why should I have to go through this and they don't? Another is a sense of betrayal, in that these other women who were pregnant at the same time were "in it together" (especially the one with the same due date) and they've backed out of the deal. DW has to go through this, and they're not doing it with her anymore.

By way of explanation, DW recalled the lady who couldn't get pregnant, met a pregnant woman at Walmart, stalked and killed her, and did a C-section on the body and claimed the baby as her own. She said, "Everyone thought she was insane, but I think she was normal. Lots of women feel just like she did, she just had more guts."

Please note, I am not at all concerned about DW's stability etc. and it is the furthest thing from my mind that she'd actually follow through with this. She expressed clearly and several times that she knows that the action is wrong, but the desire is very real--and she wasn't struggling with it, as in, "I know it's wrong, but..." so I am not worried. I am simply glad that she feels free to talk with me about how she feels even if it is "wrong to feel that way."

It is reassuring to me to know that many other women face the same emotions (as DW has discovered in discussion boards at SHARE, see my previous post) as that also gives me confidence that she is not losing her mind. It appears to be a typical part of the grieving process, but one that isn't easy to talk about. For instance, when one of these couples asks us, "How are you guys doing?" even when we know that mean it and really want to know we can't really say, "DW wishes she could murder you and the baby, but don't take it personally."

- Joe
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