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Author: retireewannabee Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: of 65471  
Subject: new and divorcing - long Date: 2/15/2011 12:32 AM
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I really just need to talk to a bunch of strangers.

Hello, my name is Tori and I am going to get a divorce.

It all became clear very recently and I know what I have to do.

We talked divorce in the summer. He brought it up. He also brought up affairs, as in, he had been considering it. I basically said, well, if that's the new deal, I can do it it, too. no further discussion on that ;) I didn't ask, didn't want to know. I doubt he's had any. Doesn't really matter at this point. I didn't, haven't, don't plan to.

So, we're done, I have papers printed and ready and figuring assets and debts and basics of living and such.

But there is a complicating factor.

Back in the summer when we had our big watershed, I wasn't considering other men. And still I'm not. But I grew closer to a mutual friend over the summer to where he's my best friend. And I also realized that I'm probably falling in love with him.

I have no intention of going from one man to another. I make a good living, I can live on my own just fine. I'm reminding myself that emotions are out of check, don't label anything. I can say that I have developed powerful feelings. Altho I don't want to say that to anyone!!! But I can't quit thinking about him.

So me and my buddy have plans to do this n that over the next few weeks, months. Just stuff, you know? Go work out, do taxes, some stuff at his house I promised to help with, something at mine he's going to look at for me ... just, "stuff", nothing beyond buddyhood. I've always been one of the guys.

He is not part of my divorce, he is not to blame, I don't want him in the middle. There are already so many mutual friends that will be somewhat surprised or whatnot by our split. I don't want to make it worse for him.

It just all seems very much like something that happens to other people. Not me! Until, you know, it happens to you.

I am trying very hard to keep my silence with my friend until at least papers are filed. I won't feel too bad tipping my hand if I slip since my husband told a mutual friend that he can afford his own apartment. Whatever she thought of that piece of information, she said nothing.

But I do not want to tell our friend that I have developed powerful feelings for him. YES I DO.

Honestly, the marriage has been dead for a long time. Apart from having always loved this other man (as one does their close friends), I had never had attraction towards him. He's very smart and funny. He's his own man and he's strong, but he was family, not a potential suitor.

we both had a lot of free time this summer and hung out a lot. nothing happened. never. not even close. where was my husband, tho?

Something changed with us over the winter. On Election Day it kind of occurred to me while doing our errands together that I was kind of on a date with him. I liked it. we are a good team. it was easy and peaceful.

weeks later, he was having trees taken down and had agreed that he'd have it cut up and delivered to my house. I had such a great day with him. nothing happened. watched the cutters. hung out inside watching tube and drinking cocoa. went to lunch. normal stuff. comfortable and easy.

The next night, I took him cookies from a cookie party I had just been at - not enuf people showed up, we all agreed to divide the cookies and take cookies to as many people as we could - and he was on my way home, I called, he was available. Nothing unusual or weird happening, football on tv, I figure to go home at half time, and do. But something was different in our hug. A new awkward, and we couldn't look at each other.

Around Christmas, he came for dinner since my brother was in town. He did something that is probably pretty normal and not a big deal for him but that touched me to the extent that I had a physical response. and there have been more ways that he has surprised me with his kindness, generosity and general good-guyedness. not just towards me, towards others, sometimes not even people he knows!

On the one hand, I feel terrible. What a disservice to him and me! I've always been untouchable, as his friend's girlfriend then wife. We've always liked each other a lot. It has simply intensified for me and I think it has for him, also. I don't know. He's way too stand up to ever make a move on me. This isn't something I could easily bring up, best friend or not!

This is a sticky situation. If he knew neither my husband nor my other mutual friends, well, then, no big frickin deal! but as it is, it's all a little too close, you know?

if we have a real love match, the others would eventually be happy for us, I know it.

But I also feel wonderful, because thinking of leaving my husband is not new and I am at peace with the closure I now am going to achieve on it. I'm happy about that, the tortuous part of should we/when/how is nearly over! It was past time to call it a day. It's a big something in its own right.

Then, finding out that I am still capable of love is like finding an old toy I'd thought I'd lost! Life can be happy and fun vs dark and somber. My light hasn't gone out, it's just gone out for the man I'm with. I had told my husband that, that I wasn't in love with him anymore.

I just didn't expect that I might fall in love with someone else. ever. not so soon. not so damned close! holy crap. how did this happen?? to ME? and HIM? it makes sense and yet is a shocker.

But he is not the point - I can still find a man that actually appreciates ME. the one I have is selfish, left too many issues unaddressed, betrayed, disrespected, insult and hurt me. tame, I swear, very tame. but I found I cannot get over some of the things. I'm done, it's that simple.

And at least by having New Feelings, I know that I CAN be happy. whether with my friend or someone else. I don't have to have a man, either. I can be patient for the right one.

I have always been able to be friends with men. Because of my temperament (tomboy, laid back, not caring if I had boyfriends or not, and usually didn't, just living my life) and my chosen career that is male-dominated. I hang with the guys very well.

So I have had so many dozen platonic male friends that I am rather floored that this one is capturing more of my heart. This doesn't happen to me, they always stay in their Friend category.

what the hell am I going to do!??!?!?!?!

it is already so difficult! The divorce part, not so much, it's the feelings for my friend that are making me crazy.

What I really want to know is this:
would it be a monumental mistake to tell this gentleman friend of mine that I have developed feelings for him?

I think I should try to keep my fat trap shut on all of it for as long as possible. but if there is one person I want to talk to when going thru a divorce, it's my best friend. mine died a few years ago. never left her own unhappy marriage to hs sweetheart.

In the clarity I finally achieved, I had to acknowledge that my feelings for him were not trivial and were not mixed up in the divorce, they grew on their own.

my sane side says to wait. it can all wait. let the dust settle and appropriate time pass. but does that even apply? I have already let so much time pass. will it even matter except for appearances if no one but us knows??

we are both mature and trust each other deeply. That's how I started falling in love with him, he started letting me in, letting me see his heart and soul. There had always been a wall. If it's a rebound, then, I think we could both be ok with that. I'm coming out of this marriage a full grownup while he is emerging from his own crossroads.

I know that this man may not want to have anything to do with me. I have always been on the forbidden list. but I will be moving to a new list soon.

thanks for listening. I just can't go to boards I frequent with this. no one here knows me in the non-cyber world. ah, safety in anonymity!
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