Buy regular ground beef instead of the fancy gold-plated kind.Eat your pets.Remember: many expensive surgical procedures can be performed at home with dime-store gauze and a clean linoleum knife.Keep skipping town two days ahead of the collection agency.Instead of children, consider raising sea monkeys.Shoplift.Manage a multifamily housing complex in the back seat of your SUV.Store dollar bills over night in a magic "money doubling" box.Fence stolen merchandise.Keep going around acting like a big shot until somebody gives you money by mistake.Get really good at something important, like nuclear physics or sheep cloning, and then have someone pay you a lot for doing it.Sell a body part that you have lost interest in.Develop a capacity for photosynthesis, so instead of eating you only need to be watered now and then.Sell your used Q-Tips as modern art.Keep whistling the Old Spice Aftershave jingle until people give you money to stop.Dry clean your wax paper for reuse.Visit the Ford Foundation while disguised as a large, charitable organization.Get by on your good looks.Discover the secret to happiness, then sell the franchise rights.Take hostages.Go back in time to 1956 and do everything Elvis did, only three weeks sooner.Get free refills.Instead of installing an expensive garbage disposal, keep a small dinosaur under your kitchen sink, like on "The Flintstones."Never eat pasta when noodles will do just as well.Write a book, but instead of calling it "How to Make an Attractive Backyard Bird Feeder," call it "Stephen King's How to Make an Attractive Backyard Bird Feeder." Hey, instant best seller!Hang around with that Donald Trump guy for a while. He's probably good for a couple of ideas.Embezzle.Designate one day each week as "Nude Day" to cut down on your laundry expenses.Every other day put your shoes on the wrong feet so that they wear more evenly.Let a large corporation pay you big bucks to tattoo their company logo on your bald spot.Incrementally reduce your year-to-year operating expenditures while aggressively recognizing unrealized receivables in the current quarter.Have your name legally changed to "Procter & Gamble." Then sue.Find out how many licks it takes to get to the chocolatey center of a Tootsie Pop, publish your findings in a major scientific journal, then collect your Nobel Prize money.Use the stale Cheetos you find between your sofa cushions as an inexpensive meat extender.Don't be afraid to pay extra for quality bungee jumping equipment. In the long run, you'll save!Take the stairs instead of the elevator. No, wait -- that belongs on the "How to Develop Steely, Rock-Hard Buns" list. Sorry.Check your old financial records and see if you might have accidentally bought some Berkshire Hathaway stock 30 years ago.Don't buy mustache wax. It's much cheaper to let the handlebars droop.Buy a lot of disaster insurance on the next Kevin Costner movie.Instead of commuting to work every day, consider tending to your job duties by mental telepathy.Remember, the best things in life are free. That means if you can resell them, that's a 100% profit margin.Invent something like the Internet, only much, much better, and collect the royalties.Sell something you don't own to somebody who doesn't know any better.Cheat at cards.Shave your back and find work as a celebrity swimsuit model.Instead of turning up the heat at night, sleep with an extra blanket.Don't pay extra for brand-name bubonic plague vaccine. The bargain brands are much cheaper and work just as well.Try owning lots of jewelry, negotiable securities, and tax-free municipal bonds. Many rich people are known to have them.Have everyone in your family agree to share the same toothbrush.Instead of spending money on an extra blanket, turn up the heat at night.Beat up third graders for their lunch money.Convince the authorities that you are the mysterious Baron Von Oklahoma, rightful heir to all of Tulsavania.Invent an embarrassing new kind of underwear, then convince stupid people to buy it by telling them that Hollywood celebrities wear it.Get yourself a realistic-looking mongoose costume. Then, rent yourself out to somebody who wants a rented mongoose.Pose nude in Playboy magazine for a million dollars, whether they want you to or not.Buy one of those fancy Van Gogh Sunflower paintings for $80 million. Then cut it into 200 pieces and sell them for $1 million apiece. $120 million pure profit!Make people give you money at gunpoint. But do it in a nice way so they won't feel bad about the experience overall.Find a creative Internet domain name from whatever happens to be left. Something like "oniondip.cankersore.com" or "snortwax.uvula.gov." Then sell it to the highest bidder on eBay.Bounce some checks.Increase the equity of your home by installing a solid gold laundry sink or building a backyard 'gator farm.Shave off your chest hair and sell it to a huge multinational chest hair reclamation project.Leave your penny loafers empty. It's cheaper!Find a lucrative new use for mildew.Get a cushy TMF job where you can get away with making goofy lists like this one for a living.Cheeze
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