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Author: malaoshi Big red star, 1000 posts Old School Fool Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: of 884959  
Subject: OT. cross post.Romance or Reality Date: 9/13/2013 12:40 PM
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Husband had major accident January. Bedbound for 5 months. Slow recovery. Now able to walk with a stick and mostly dress himself.

I think of us as an affectionate couple...quick hugs, pats on the bottom, "I love you" grins, etc but nothing much understandably for the last 9 months...
But he is working,(often Skype or phone but busy,) goes to important meetings, physio etc with wife as chauffeur.

Two days ago I lost it and said.."If I don't get a kiss, no dinner." So he gave me a peck. Nice dinner.

Yesterday...no kiss, pat, hug, smile...nada, nada, nada...so for the first time in 46 years, no dinner.

LBYM tie in."Cheap night"

This morning, first thing...a nice kiss. "Hey, my threats work!!!"

"Not really, but I couldn't bear to start the Yom Kippur Fast without dinner tonight."

Should I stay in love with this man????
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Author: JonathanRoth Big red star, 1000 posts Old School Fool Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: 876646 of 884959
Subject: Re: OT. cross post.Romance or Reality Date: 9/13/2013 12:52 PM
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Should I stay in love with this man????

No reason for a hasty decision, decide in a couple of decades. :-)

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Author: LaraAmber Big red star, 1000 posts Old School Fool Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: 876647 of 884959
Subject: Re: OT. cross post.Romance or Reality Date: 9/13/2013 1:12 PM
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I do hate how some men stop courting once they've married and things have settled down. It's like he assumes "well of course I love you, I'll tell you when if it changes" vs. "of course I love you, let me take every opportunity to remind you".

We do have a strict rule about ending every phone call or text dialogue with "I love you". After all you never know when it might be the last time you get to say it.

Lara Amber

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Author: MetroChick Big funky green star, 20000 posts Old School Fool Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: 876648 of 884959
Subject: Re: OT. cross post.Romance or Reality Date: 9/13/2013 1:40 PM
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I do hate how some men stop courting once they've married and things have settled down. It's like he assumes "well of course I love you, I'll tell you when if it changes" vs. "of course I love you, let me take every opportunity to remind you".

Except for the OP's husband it seems to have happened after the accident.

For the OP - it sounds like your husband is still dealing with physical issues (since you say he's mostly dressing himself). For a lot of men, any romantic gestures are often an opening to "can I get some tonight". If he's not feeling physically ready for sex, that might be why the romantic gestures initiation have dropped off.

Also if he's on medication, he could be having some side-effects to that part of his life. He might be dealing with emotional issues from the accident and recovery. And if he suffered head trauma as part of the accident, some parts of his personality might have perm. changed.

It sounds like you're cross because he's not initiating kisses or pats or hugs. I know being a caretaker is hard and someone else initiating gives us a "lift" - but if you need a hug or want a kiss from him, I think you may need to be the initiator for awhile longer.

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Author: malaoshi Big red star, 1000 posts Old School Fool Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: 876649 of 884959
Subject: Re: OT. cross post.Romance or Reality Date: 9/13/2013 1:56 PM
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Oooops...sorry everyone!!!!

I meant it as a funny story of long married life and his witty reply to my childish behavior ....I think Jonathon got the mood...

Yes OF COURSE he is still in the middle of recovery and I absolutely understand. We are too engrossed in the "getting through the physical irritations and limitations" in daily life, and I was getting grumpy, missing his humor and his loving pats.

But his response was back to his old humor. And I got the kiss...

Apologetically,
Big Momma

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Author: ThyPeace Big red star, 1000 posts Old School Fool Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: 876650 of 884959
Subject: Re: OT. cross post.Romance or Reality Date: 9/13/2013 2:16 PM
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I must admit, I'd kiss pretty much anyone to get a good dinner after fasting and being at shul all day, and I'm not even Jewish! That said, I'm really glad it was humor and that he is showing some of the guy who you do still love.

As for other suggestions, well, most of what I've come up with is entirely unprintable and not-suitable-for-work-or-children. But it has given me a lovely gleam in my eyes and some interesting thoughts for when DH arrives tonight. The rest I will leave to everyone's very capable imaginations, and I hope it brings a smile to all your faces as well.

ThyPeace, ignoring the cold she may be coming down with.

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Author: legalwordwarrior Big funky green star, 20000 posts Old School Fool Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: 876652 of 884959
Subject: Re: OT. cross post.Romance or Reality Date: 9/13/2013 2:37 PM
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We do have a strict rule about ending every phone call or text dialogue with "I love you". After all you never know when it might be the last time you get to say it.

DH and I have this rule, too. But after 32 years together, 31 of them married, we have shortened it to "Love Ya" if we're just leaving a VM.

LWW

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Author: legalwordwarrior Big funky green star, 20000 posts Old School Fool Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: 876654 of 884959
Subject: Re: OT. cross post.Romance or Reality Date: 9/13/2013 2:40 PM
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Should I stay in love with this man????

Well, after 46 years, it might be time for him to get some refresher training ;0)

BTW: very glad to hear that he's doing better. I remember when you mentioned the initial accident. Scary stuff, indeed!

LWW

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Author: PSUEngineer Big funky green star, 20000 posts Top Favorite Fools Old School Fool Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: 876655 of 884959
Subject: Re: OT. cross post.Romance or Reality Date: 9/13/2013 3:06 PM
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I do hate how some men stop courting once they've married and things have settled down.

Right along with the wedding vows, you are marrying in to the risk of social and financial disaster.

Marriage may make more sense for women, who can often gain income and support for raising children. But the risks for men are high and the benefits are few, since men often will have any children stripped from their care, lose any house they may have, half of any other assets accumulated in the marriage and lose a large share of their future earnings. This is laughingly called an equitable distribution of property.


Skip the courtship. Prudent men will just say no to marriage, in my opinion.

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Author: ThyPeace Big red star, 1000 posts Old School Fool Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: 876656 of 884959
Subject: Re: OT. cross post.Romance or Reality Date: 9/13/2013 3:29 PM
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Skip the courtship. Prudent men will just say no to marriage, in my opinion.

Uhhh. SP, is that you in there?

ThyPeace, suddenly wondering if SP is PSUEngineer's performance art. Or vice-versa.

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Author: Hardboiled Big red star, 1000 posts Old School Fool Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: 876657 of 884959
Subject: Re: OT. cross post.Romance or Reality Date: 9/13/2013 3:32 PM
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Nice of you to channel for SP. . .oh, wait, are you really SP.....?

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Author: AngelMay Big funky green star, 20000 posts Top Favorite Fools Old School Fool Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: 876658 of 884959
Subject: Re: OT. cross post.Romance or Reality Date: 9/13/2013 3:41 PM
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Skip the courtship. Prudent men will just say no to marriage, in my opinion.



So will prudent women.
:)

AM

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Author: Donna405 Big gold star, 5000 posts Old School Fool Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: 876663 of 884959
Subject: Re: OT. cross post.Romance or Reality Date: 9/13/2013 5:45 PM
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You two remind me of my parents. Daddy used to fondle, kiss, pat and hug my mother on a consistent basis in front of me. It was wonderful and gave me an example of what a great relationship should be.

Your post really brought back great memories and a big smile for the day. Yep, I think I would keep him, if not for his good sense of humor.

Donna

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Author: Donna405 Big gold star, 5000 posts Old School Fool Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: 876664 of 884959
Subject: Re: OT. cross post.Romance or Reality Date: 9/13/2013 5:46 PM
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Laura Amber, after my best friend died many years ago suddenly, I now end every conversation with my friends with "I love you." Your are so right.....we may never see or talk with that person again.

Donna

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Author: PSUEngineer Big funky green star, 20000 posts Top Favorite Fools Old School Fool Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: 876665 of 884959
Subject: Re: OT. cross post.Romance or Reality Date: 9/13/2013 5:58 PM
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Truth be told, I took an SP post and added skip the courtship to it.

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Author: Wessex99 Big red star, 1000 posts Old School Fool Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: 876666 of 884959
Subject: Re: OT. cross post.Romance or Reality Date: 9/13/2013 6:18 PM
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Malaoshi,

I thought you were making a joke with a little bit of wishing in there, so not everyone misunderstood. :)

Wessex

P.S. Glad to hear your husband is getting better.

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Author: YewGuise Big red star, 1000 posts Old School Fool Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: 876667 of 884959
Subject: Re: OT. cross post.Romance or Reality Date: 9/13/2013 6:26 PM
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...46 years...

Can I just say: Wow, congrats!
My parents made it to 50+, but they weren't happy. It's so great to see happy marriages!

"Not really, but I couldn't bear to start the Yom Kippur Fast without dinner tonight."

Oh, that dry British sense of humor...
Although, that's totally something my DH would say, and he's not British. He's just Not Mushy, and also likes to tease.

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Author: JonathanRoth Big red star, 1000 posts Old School Fool Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: 876668 of 884959
Subject: Re: OT. cross post.Romance or Reality Date: 9/13/2013 6:36 PM
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My wife has one unbreakable rule.
Never leave home without a kiss.

I on the other hand, feel a kiss is needed whenever we pass near each other. Which causes problems at the gym.

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Author: AngelMay Big funky green star, 20000 posts Top Favorite Fools Old School Fool Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: 876669 of 884959
Subject: Re: OT. cross post.Romance or Reality Date: 9/13/2013 6:44 PM
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P.S. Glad to hear your husband is getting better.

AM

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Author: InconclusiveFool Big gold star, 5000 posts Old School Fool Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: 876676 of 884959
Subject: Re: OT. cross post.Romance or Reality Date: 9/14/2013 4:23 PM
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"suddenly wondering if SP is PSUEngineer's performance art."

I love performance art!

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Author: dianakalt Big gold star, 5000 posts Old School Fool Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: 876701 of 884959
Subject: Re: OT. cross post.Romance or Reality Date: 9/15/2013 9:49 PM
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We do have a strict rule about ending every phone call or text dialogue with "I love you". After all you never know when it might be the last time you get to say it.

I am in favor of this rule. There was only one day of our marriage that I didn't tell my husband I loved him, and it was the day he died.

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Author: R0TJob Big funky green star, 20000 posts Top Favorite Fools Old School Fool Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: 877260 of 884959
Subject: Re: OT. cross post.Romance or Reality Date: 10/2/2013 10:29 AM
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I do hate how some men stop courting once they've married and things have settled down.


I hate how most women seem to think courting is strictly the man's job. You're equal now. Time to start acting like it.

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Author: AngelMay Big funky green star, 20000 posts Top Favorite Fools Old School Fool Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: 877261 of 884959
Subject: Re: OT. cross post.Romance or Reality Date: 10/2/2013 10:40 AM
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I hate how most women seem to think courting is strictly the man's job. You're equal now. Time to start acting like it.

--------


While I agree with you about courting, you are dead wrong on "equal".
If you think we are equal, trade your paycheck for that of a woman in a similar job.

AM

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Author: ChiliChild Big gold star, 5000 posts Old School Fool Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: 877262 of 884959
Subject: Re: OT. cross post.Romance or Reality Date: 10/2/2013 10:42 AM
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I hate how most women seem to think courting is strictly the man's job. You're equal now. Time to start acting like it.

I hate to have to agree with you. It has always made me cringe to hear a woman comment on or complain about what her husband did or didn't get her for their anniversary. I always wonder what she got him.

Makes me think of all those WWWW that invaded newsrooms in the '70s in their pink outfits. And Phyllis Schafly. <shudder>

Chili
supporter of the ERA since the beginning

P.S. Women Who Want to be Women

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Author: R0TJob Big funky green star, 20000 posts Top Favorite Fools Old School Fool Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: 877264 of 884959
Subject: Re: OT. cross post.Romance or Reality Date: 10/2/2013 12:39 PM
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I hate to have to agree with you.

Gee, thanks.



It has always made me cringe to hear a woman comment on or complain about what her husband did or didn't get her for their anniversary. I always wonder what she got him.

Precisely. Or valentine's day, or birthdays, or any other hallmark holiday.

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Author: LaraAmber Big red star, 1000 posts Old School Fool Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: 877266 of 884959
Subject: Re: OT. cross post.Romance or Reality Date: 10/2/2013 4:13 PM
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I hate how most women seem to think courting is strictly the man's job. You're equal now. Time to start acting like it.

Assumption much?

I do still court my husband, a lot. He gets tons of random I Love You texts or sweet treats brought home "just because". I've sent deliveries to HIS work for Valentine's Day and birthdays. He's also gotten some very nice expensive presents from me including Avalanche tickets, rifle scopes, iPads, etc. I'm always up for holding hands or rubbing his feet.

I just love how you jump from "some men" to "most women" and make it our fault.

Lara Amber

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Author: R0TJob Big funky green star, 20000 posts Top Favorite Fools Old School Fool Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: 877267 of 884959
Subject: Re: OT. cross post.Romance or Reality Date: 10/2/2013 4:37 PM
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I just love how you jump from "some men" to "most women" and make it our fault.



You're the one what gave out half the information, so don't jump my ass for making assumptions based on it.

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Author: ramsfanray Big funky green star, 20000 posts Top Recommended Fools Old School Fool Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: 877268 of 884959
Subject: Re: OT. cross post.Romance or Reality Date: 10/2/2013 4:54 PM
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If you think we are equal, trade your paycheck for that of a woman in a similar job.

All the women in my office get paid the same as me. Well, actually they get paid more because they have seniority. But we are on the same pay scale.

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Author: AngelMay Big funky green star, 20000 posts Top Favorite Fools Old School Fool Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: 877269 of 884959
Subject: Re: OT. cross post.Romance or Reality Date: 10/2/2013 4:56 PM
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I just love how you jump from "some men" to "most women" and make it our fault.

Lara Amber



In fairness, Lara, you are not most women. You seem to be exceptional.
Other than that...I'm still hung up on the equal part. People who make 77% of what other people make are not equal.

AM

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Author: AngelMay Big funky green star, 20000 posts Top Favorite Fools Old School Fool Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: 877270 of 884959
Subject: Re: OT. cross post.Romance or Reality Date: 10/2/2013 4:58 PM
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All the women in my office get paid the same as me. Well, actually they get paid more because they have seniority. But we are on the same pay scale.


That may be true in your particular case and your particular company. But statistically it is not true. Statistically women make only about 77% of the salaries men are making. So while I applaud your company, my statement still stands pretty much as fact across the board (nation).

AM

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Author: InconclusiveFool Big gold star, 5000 posts Old School Fool Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: 877271 of 884959
Subject: Re: OT. cross post.Romance or Reality Date: 10/2/2013 4:59 PM
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"All the women in my office get paid the same as me. Well, actually they get paid more because they have seniority. But we are on the same pay scale."

Same here - everyone is on the same Federal pay scale. Same job/same grade-step/same pay for man or woman.

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Author: AngelMay Big funky green star, 20000 posts Top Favorite Fools Old School Fool Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: 877272 of 884959
Subject: Re: OT. cross post.Romance or Reality Date: 10/2/2013 5:00 PM
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http://www.infoplease.com/ipa/A0193820.html

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Author: InconclusiveFool Big gold star, 5000 posts Old School Fool Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: 877273 of 884959
Subject: Re: OT. cross post.Romance or Reality Date: 10/2/2013 5:04 PM
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http://www.opm.gov/policy-data-oversight/pay-leave/salaries-...

This is the NY region pay scale. It varies by region, but the idea is the same across the regions. If for example, you are a GS-12 step 6, man or woman, you get paid the same.

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Author: AngelMay Big funky green star, 20000 posts Top Favorite Fools Old School Fool Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: 877274 of 884959
Subject: Re: OT. cross post.Romance or Reality Date: 10/2/2013 5:29 PM
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If only all women worked for the government. :)

AM

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Author: Jeanwa Big gold star, 5000 posts Old School Fool Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: 877275 of 884959
Subject: Re: OT. cross post.Romance or Reality Date: 10/2/2013 5:50 PM
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Looks like we are pretty normal compared to other countries.

http://www.infoplease.com/ipa/A0908883.html

I really wonder if they aren't comparing apples and oranges.

I remember a big deal being made about truck drivers making more than nurses...truck driving being mostly male, while nurses were mostly female.

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Author: ishtarastarte Big funky green star, 20000 posts Old School Fool Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: 877276 of 884959
Subject: Re: OT. cross post.Romance or Reality Date: 10/2/2013 5:57 PM
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I can't find it now, but I read last week that when controlled for education, time off for kids, and the like, it's still ~83 cents on the dollar.

Ishtar

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Author: Jeanwa Big gold star, 5000 posts Old School Fool Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: 877277 of 884959
Subject: Re: OT. cross post.Romance or Reality Date: 10/2/2013 6:12 PM
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I can't find it now, but I read last week that when controlled for education, time off for kids, and the like, it's still ~83 cents on the dollar.

Ishtar
----------------------------------------------

I guess I want to know the companies that pay less. MissEdithKeeler (sp) mentioned her (old) company.

I don't make much money...but it's my choice where I work. So where am I in those numbers, pulling the percentage down?

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Author: SeattlePioneer Big funky green star, 20000 posts Top Favorite Fools Old School Fool Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: 877284 of 884959
Subject: Re: OT. cross post.Romance or Reality Date: 10/2/2013 7:54 PM
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<<I do hate how some men stop courting once they've married and things have settled down.


I hate how most women seem to think courting is strictly the man's job. You're equal now. Time to start acting like it.


>>



Heh, heh! Apparently my work is done for the day!




Seattle Pioneer

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Author: ThyPeace Big red star, 1000 posts Old School Fool Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: 877290 of 884959
Subject: Re: OT. cross post.Romance or Reality Date: 10/2/2013 10:50 PM
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I hate how most women seem to think courting is strictly the man's job. You're equal now. Time to start acting like it.

Heh, heh! Apparently my work is done for the day!

.. So, you're hoping to be courted, SP? Because I have thought for years that some old-fashioned courting and cuddling and some really newfangled sex would really do you well.

ThyPeace, just saying.

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Author: RoadScholar5 Big gold star, 5000 posts Old School Fool Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: 877697 of 884959
Subject: Re: OT. cross post.Romance or Reality Date: 11/1/2013 9:07 AM
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My partner is Catholic and I am not, but he has a downright loving gesture that he demonstrates each time we part. He leans over, takes my face into his hands, gives me a long kiss, then makes a sign of the cross on my forehead… as in a blessing for my safety until we see each other again.

He is not a particularly religious man, so I guess I find this even more touching.

Seems like over the years, many here have speculated on SP's romantic life or lack thereof. I think his lack of response to the issue speaks volumes about his sense of discretion…

I wouldn't assume anything.

RS

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