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Author: sarkie Three stars, 500 posts Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: of 884982  
Subject: ot-help me do some "living" Date: 3/14/2002 10:31 AM
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Hello All,

It seems that as each day goes by I am becoming more and more unhappy with my life. I think that part of it is the fact that all of my friends have either gotten married or are in serious relationships and of course I am the odd person out. I don't really mind that I am and enjoy being around these friends but I think that some of these friends rather be with another couple. I have found out about times when the couples have gotten together and I wasn't invited. I admit I was hurt, especially since these are people I have been friends with for years and we were all single together at one point.

I also feel like I'm kinda in a rut in my life. I haven't “grown” a lot in the past years like I thought I would. It's just been work and hanging out with friends. I've even had the same hairstyle for the past oh, all my life I guess, LOL.

Anyway, I'd like to try to totally revamp myself, but don't really know where to start. One problem I have is that I can be painfully shy when confronted with a new situation, which is one thing that I feel like is holding me back. The other is sometime I just don't know how to get started.

Here's a list of some of the things that I would like to do.

Go back to school and take fun classes
Take some cooking classes
Exercise a little
Find a good make-up for me
Find a great wash n wear hairstyle
redecorate my bedroom
Date more
Get to know my neighbors
Find friends that have like interests
Learn better conversation skills (be less shy)
Actually open a bank statement and balance my checkbook
Write more letters and cards to friends and family

Okay, after all that please don't think I'm a complete loser. I do have some very good friends but they are developing lives of their own. I travel a lot and go to the theatre a good bit. But my life just isn't where I would like it to be.

Has anyone else ever felt this way or done anything like this?

Sarkie

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Author: IndecisiveFool Big funky green star, 20000 posts Top Favorite Fools Old School Fool Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: 254935 of 884982
Subject: Re: ot-help me do some "living" Date: 3/14/2002 10:37 AM
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Has anyone else ever felt this way or done anything like this?

Many things on your "to do" list is very doable and shyness should not interfer. It appears to me that you are depressed. Depression can keep you from completing the simplest tasks. I think you should seek counseling to discover why you are in a rut. Good luck!

IF
not a psychologist nor do I play one on TV


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Author: carsonb Big red star, 1000 posts Old School Fool Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: 254936 of 884982
Subject: Re: ot-help me do some "living" Date: 3/14/2002 10:39 AM
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All of the things you are considering doing sound great; I would just caution you to go to a very good, highly recommended place to have any physical changes made (new hair style, new make-up) rather than the local beauty college. You don't need to add butchered hair to your list of depressing things in your life.

Call the style editor at your local newspaper and ask for salon/stylist recommendations; once you get your great new cut, your old stylist can follow the lines and keep it up for you at a lower cost.

Go to the Bobbi Brown counter at your local department store and ask for a makeover; they'll do it free of charge, but I'm sure they'd like to sell you a few products at the same time. I recommend Bobbi Brown because she is known for a subtle, classic, understated look, very wearable and easy to do yourself, and her products are very good. Bobbi Brown wrote a great book on doing your own make-up, which you could probably get from the library.

Anyway, have fun and good luck!


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Author: Rizzo21 Three stars, 500 posts Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: 254939 of 884982
Subject: Re: ot-help me do some "living" Date: 3/14/2002 10:44 AM
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Has anyone else ever felt this way or done anything like this?

Sarkie


Well, I'm in a different situation but just sharing to point out that it doesn't matter if you are single or married, you can still feel like you are in a rut.

I'm married with three children and times are pretty good overall but I have moments when I know I could be happier. Not with someone else, mind you, just improving upon myself, especially the job I am in. I wish I was less shy (like you mentioned) and was able to interact with people more. I also wish I could be a bit more ambitious with my career as well as at home. My wife is well aware of my faults and reminds me daily of my need to improve (which is annoying but sometimes necessary).

You are one step ahead in the game with all the goals you mentioned. I don't have any goals, thus, nothing to really strive for, kind of living day-by-day without a plan.

Good luck.

Rizzo


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Author: kikichewie Big red star, 1000 posts Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: 254941 of 884982
Subject: Re: ot-help me do some "living" Date: 3/14/2002 10:46 AM
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Lots of us face this.

You've got the right key though - figure out what interests YOU and then actually go out and do it. Stop being envious of other people's lives and interesting hobbies - generate your own.

I met a guy last year who took the most amazing vacations. Like a few weeks in Viet Nam or a week learning to sail on a big boat.... So I started to ask him how he managed to do all of those things, and I took notes.

By November I took advantage of an opportunity for a LBMM 10-day vacation to Italy with my BF. Had I not started to think about how I could enrich my life, I probably would have let the opportunity pass.

I've also made the decision to invest money into my current happiness and fulfillment. This was a conscious decision and still enables me to LBMM. So for instance, I decided to spend the money to work out with a personal trainer. By doing that, I made working out a big part of my life. Now it's a part of me. Then, just recently someone asked me what I was going to "do" with my improved health... That day I'd read something about a self-defense technique, found a local school that taught it, and voila! Two-three nights a week I'm getting my butt kicked - and I've met 4-5 new people that seem really fun!

The thing is that you have to just take that first step. NOW. Today. While you're feeling like this. I'd suggest starting by finding and signing up for a class. And I really mean TODAY. The first class might be intimidating but it will be worth it. Seek out new people in the class - show an interest in them - and soon you'll have a few new friends... Then once you've established your new interest/hobby/whatever, think of what else you'd like to do. And go out and do it.

It's amazing how many different activities a single person can pack into a week. And how they build on each other and you feel better and better. Hey, right now I'm even thinking about asking my BF to teach me to play softball (he plays in a couple of co-ed leagues), which is something I *never* thought I'd consider. But my other activities have increased my self-confidence and decreased my self-consciousness so much that now just seems like a good time to give it a shot!

Do these things, and pretty soon YOU will be the well-rounded, interesting, exciting person that other people look at and wonder "how does she do it?"

You have to start living the life that you want - NOW. Only you can make it happen. It will not happen TO you. (And when you're out doing these things is when you're going to run across that wonderful guy who also has an interesting life, etc.)

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Author: kikichewie Big red star, 1000 posts Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: 254946 of 884982
Subject: Re: ot-help me do some "living" Date: 3/14/2002 10:50 AM
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I'd also like to add that changing what you DO with your life will have a MUCH greater impact on your psyche than superficial changes like hair and makeup.

NO, I'm not saying you're superficial, just that IMO you'll probably feel better by making internal changes FIRST.

I can tell you that when I was in Italy, I didn't care how my hair looked. I didn't wear any makeup. I didn't care about my clothes. I was completely focused on the experience.

That feeling has extended to the rest of my life and it's wonderful. Sure, I like having a nice hair cut, but what's more important is how strong and confident I feel inside. I've started to focus much more on what I'm capable of doing and the fun experiences I'm having than anything else - and I think that it has drawn more people to me than I would have met otherwise....

:D

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Author: ricerFool Big red star, 1000 posts Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: 254949 of 884982
Subject: Re: ot-help me do some "living" Date: 3/14/2002 10:55 AM
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sarkie: kikichewie has good advice. I reccomended her response.

Going out while everyone else is a couple is a drag. I remember when that was my situ. There's no easy answer on that one. I suppose we ended up doing stuff during the day, or maybe there were a few unattached dudes that I was with during those nights out.

My suggestion is to try and get involved in charitable group activities. Like "Christmas in April" where a group gets together and fixes up a house. Or volunteer at a soup kitchen, or a literacy program. May not meet anyone else here (i.e. no boyfriend potential) but you'll feel really good about spending your time.

Night classes are good to, but pick something you wanna learn, rather than to meet other people. I for one, have only made one friend that I met in college that I still KIT with. College is way overblown in that regard.

ricerFool

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Author: DuckInMyPants Big funky green star, 20000 posts Old School Fool CAPS All Star Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: 254950 of 884982
Subject: Re: ot-help me do some "living" Date: 3/14/2002 10:56 AM
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I agree with IF, but first I would investigate if your employer's health insurance includes any mental health assistance.

Just spending time with a therapist helps "work out" and determine why you feel the way you do now. It may be something fixable that you can "do", or it may even be a medical problem.

It helped me! (Not that I'm a model of perfect mental health....) I'm not ashamed or afraid of letting most people know that I've sought help from mental health professionals. This is a good thing.

DIMP
...not a psychiatrist, but have sought help from a few!


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Author: paulfife One star, 50 posts Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: 254951 of 884982
Subject: Re: ot-help me do some "living" Date: 3/14/2002 10:57 AM
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Has anyone else ever felt this way or done anything like this?

I've been where you are before. It looks like you have a good start with your list - now you just need to get started on it! Find a few starting points and work at them slowly.

Some things like meeting new people and improving conversation/social skills will take time. Just remember to work slowly - for example, next time you see one of your neighbors walk over and say "hi", or attempt to make conversation with a complete stranger in the line at the grocery store.

Success with minor changes can encourage you to do more.

I felt much the same way you did. Moving from Ontario, Canada to Oklahoma City for a job 3 and a half years ago was a leap of faith I took to see if I could. After a slow start I now have many friends down here and am engaged to be married in October!

I don't know if I'd recommend picking up and moving far away as a means to solve your problems. Looking back I know I could have brought about the changes in my life I wanted staying where I was, avoiding the "trial by fire" of being in an unfamiliar city and knowing nobody at all.

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Author: kikichewie Big red star, 1000 posts Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: 254953 of 884982
Subject: Re: ot-help me do some "living" Date: 3/14/2002 11:05 AM
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"Looking back I know I could have brought about the changes in my life I wanted staying where I was, avoiding the "trial by fire" of being in an unfamiliar city and knowing nobody at all."

I have to say that since I moved away (4.5 hours) from my family, my BF and my friends, I have experienced the most personal growth of my life so far. (as I described earlier)

Something about not relying on the usual suspects to entertain me meant that something had to give. I spent a few months sitting around my apartment, and buying new furniture to make it more comfortable. Then I figured out what a big mistake that was - I was soooo lonely and lazy. So I really had to work to make my life fun and exciting even though I didn't know a soul.

I second the volunteering idea too. I think the key is to really do what you enjoy and will find rewording. If you go out and take up an activity with the sole purpose of meeting friends or a potential boyfriend, then you are almost guaranteed to be disappointed. You have to figure out what makes YOU happy and the rest will fall into place.

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Author: mollyd77 Big red star, 1000 posts Old School Fool Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: 254972 of 884982
Subject: Re: ot-help me do some "living" Date: 3/14/2002 11:44 AM
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Dear Sarkie,

I think it's wonderful that you have a plan. I am unhappy with certain aspects of my life, and I have seen a counselor to try to work it out with her. At first, I was embarassed to even THINK about doing that, but it's been a big help for me.

***Not*** saying you need that at all, just if it ever seems like a good idea to you, don't be scared to go for it. And find one you like. :-)

As to your other ideas, I say go for it. The Bobbi Brown idea was a gem, as people she works on (and consequently, her "look") is nice and classic. For non-makeup people like me & you, that's a good place to start.

I think you can do this! You've taken the hardest of the steps - deciding to get started. Now, you actually get started (the second hardest, but still verrrrry hard), and then the rest will fall into place.

I don't know if you're very athletic, but this is a good analogy if you are. You know when you're out of shape and wnat to try to get back in? The first work out is AWFUL. You dread it, you're tired, etc. But after that, the second one isn't half so hard, and by the time the third one rolls around, you may as well keep with it, and pretty soon...you're back in shape.

I think it can work this way for you. You can do it! BTW, we all like you now, already. :-)

-Molly

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Author: jjoniec Three stars, 500 posts Old School Fool Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: 254981 of 884982
Subject: Re: ot-help me do some "living" Date: 3/14/2002 11:56 AM
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Sarkie,

Often the biggest obstacle to personal change is lack of momemtum.

Once you decide to do one thing on your list, it will give you self confidence and make the next step easier.

It is also easier to build new habits when you are starting a new routine.

I would try going to an aerobics class, people at these are usually very friendly.

Good luck,

Joannna

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Author: BostonKate Three stars, 500 posts Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: 254983 of 884982
Subject: Re: ot-help me do some "living" Date: 3/14/2002 12:01 PM
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You've gotten a lot of good advice already. I suggest you get on the phone right now and call one of the nicer salons in your town. Get the haircut. Even if you don't go back and get the same salon to cut it again, for some reason a haircut has kicked off all of the successful life changes I've made. I really think it helps me see myself in a new way.

As for the married friends: it happens. I was so sad when my best friend of 20 years got married, and my mom sat me down and explained that this is the way of things, and that the friendships will cycle back. Karen and I are now living 40 miles from each other (but 3000 miles away from where we grew up) and are slowly moving back into each others' orbits - but it took ten years. Now I'm married too, and we tend to socialize with other couples just because that's who we know. I still hang out with my single friends, but it's usually not with my husband. As a single, I can remember feeling bored with the way my married friends were growing and their new interests, which tended to involve mortgages and re-roofing and so on, whereas I was still renting and underemployed and wondering why I was the only single person at these gatherings.

You're going to have to do the work yourself, I'm afraid. Your married friends don't realize they're excluding you; they probably think you'd be bored hanging out with them comparing crown molding and the new refrigerator. (You would. I'm amazed at how interested I am in completely boring things since I got married and started hanging out with other married people.) If they're having kids, they are probably too tired to remember that you're single. Don't expect your friends to remember you (this is good advice for everyone, actually). You have to take the initiative sometimes, and not every large group needs to meet in full every time. Could you invite a few of your friends over for dinner and ask each of them to bring someone new for the group to meet? Great way to meet guys - that's how my parents met.

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Author: PrrpleGrrl One star, 50 posts Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: 254991 of 884982
Subject: Re: ot-help me do some "living" Date: 3/14/2002 12:18 PM
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Back in the day, I would have gone shopping when I felt like that. :)

I highly recommend taking some college courses in something you're interested in. That will put you in a room full of people who are also interested in it, which means you have something to talk about and should be able to make new friends fairly easily.

Going to a college will also give you billions of other social opportunities*, clubs and organizations all full of young people with fresh ideas and eager/expecting to meet new people.

This might also solve the desire to date more and give you the chance to practice your conversation skills.

It will not do anything to help you balance your checkbook, but community colleges are quite economical.

PrrpleGrrl

* Here's how I finally figured out how to spell "opportunities" without looking it up every time. I used to get confused about whether the 4th letter was an 'o' or a 'u', until I realized that, if you turn the first 4 letters inside out, it spells "poop." Hey, if it helps just one person never be confused again...

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Author: millerpim Big funky green star, 20000 posts Old School Fool Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: 255001 of 884982
Subject: Re: ot-help me do some "living" Date: 3/14/2002 12:30 PM
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I sure can relate. I think I reinvent myself every five years or so. You'll find, Sarkie, that a lot of people go with the status quo, they don't change a thing in their lives and are perfectly happy that way. In fact, they don't WANT to change anything, they are resistant to change, and those people probably won't understand why you feel a need to change. So don't talk to these people.

That will solve a big part of your problem.

To me, it is very important to continually reexamine your life to determine if you are happy with it. Especially since you are the person responsible for it. And it sounds like you have come up with some ideas of things you would like to do to improve the quality of your life. That's the first step. No, the first step is realizing you have a problem. The second step is identifying it and coming up with solutions. The hardest thing for many people to do is to implement those decisions.

Is that where you are now?

elizabeth

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Author: mapletree3 Big gold star, 5000 posts Old School Fool Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: 255004 of 884982
Subject: Re: ot-help me do some "living" Date: 3/14/2002 12:39 PM
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CONGRATULATIONS!!!

Why?

You have a list!

I am so impressed!

You've realized there is a problem, and you laid out the steps for solving the problem.

That's wonderful!

Now, solve the problem!

I'd make a resolution to do something towards ONE of the things on your list every day from now on.

TODAY: Call The Learning Tree or your local university and ask them to send you a catalog. Or make an appointment with your hairdresser. Or spend ten minutes stretching and doing push-ups and situps. Or bring a postcard to work - write a few words during lunch to someone you've been thinking of, and mail it. Or make a point of striking up a conversation with the clerk getting your lunch. Or think about what physical things you like to do and look up classes or clubs.

Do ANY ONE of those things today. Then do another thing on the list tomorrow. You will be moving towards your goal.

One of the most wonderful things about life is that we are in control of ourselves.

The person you would like to be exercizes more, talks to people more, gets out of the house more? Well, you can do that!! There's nothing stopping you but lethargy.

Be the person you want to be. Be your best self.

Love and good luck,

mapletree

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Author: sarkie Three stars, 500 posts Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: 255005 of 884982
Subject: Re: ot-help me do some "living" Date: 3/14/2002 12:39 PM
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Thank you everyone for some wonderful replies. I don't participate as much as I would like because I am at work and don't have that much spare time here. Reading posts doesn't really take that much time, posting and replying does, for me anyway.

Okay, here is what I have done so far, Friday night I am going to a birthday dinner for an acquaintance/friend of mine. I had been wobbling back and forth whether I wanted to go or not. If nothing else it will allow me to get out and be a little social.

I called a friend of mine to see if she wants to have lunch on Sunday and she said yes and said she was actually thinking of me this morning (but she wouldn't have called) sigh… how come I have to do the calling and inviting?

I work for an accounting firm and practically live at work at the moment so after April 15th, I will make an appointment with my hairstylist for a cut. I have been going to see her for the past year or so and she is slowly making little changes to my hair so I don't freak out and don't got back for a year or two. I may tell her to do something a little more daring next time.

I will also go to the Bobbi Brown counter and ask for the makeover. I don't mind paying a little more for good lipstick and eyeliner so it won't be a complete waste of time for the makeup person.

Tonight I will go through a catalog of classes (these are one time fun entertainment type classes) and sign up for a cooking class after the tax season.

That's all for now.
Sarkie






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Author: SeattlePioneer Big funky green star, 20000 posts Top Favorite Fools Old School Fool Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: 255009 of 884982
Subject: Re: ot-help me do some "living" Date: 3/14/2002 12:45 PM
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<<PrrpleGrrl

* Here's how I finally figured out how to spell "opportunities" without looking it up every time. I used to get confused about whether the 4th letter was an 'o' or a 'u', until I realized that, if you turn the first 4 letters inside out, it spells "poop." Hey, if it helps just one person never be confused again... >>




Thanks for the help ---I'll remember it every time I have a poopertunity to use it.




Seattle Pioneer

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Author: frissy Big funky green star, 20000 posts Old School Fool Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: 255020 of 884982
Subject: Re: ot-help me do some "living" Date: 3/14/2002 1:03 PM
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The only solution is to shave your head and join a cult.

That will solve the husband thing too, because you will get to have sex with all the men in the cult.

frissy

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Author: sarkie Three stars, 500 posts Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: 255022 of 884982
Subject: Re: ot-help me do some "living" Date: 3/14/2002 1:04 PM
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Elizabeth -

YES, I am at the implement stage right now and this is the point that I do it or I fail.

Actually I have done the easy things already, called friends to get together, etc. It's the things that will take me out of my comfort zone, classes and meeting new people that I am uncomfortable with.

Thanks,
Sarkie

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Author: sarkie Three stars, 500 posts Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: 255023 of 884982
Subject: Re: ot-help me do some "living" Date: 3/14/2002 1:07 PM
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because you will get to have sex with all the men in the cult.

--------------------------------------------------------------

wow, I never thought of that, maybe I should join a cult. LOL!!




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Author: Nusqua Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: 255040 of 884982
Subject: Re: ot-help me do some "living" Date: 3/14/2002 1:35 PM
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About a year ago I was feeling much like you have been.

Volunteering and reconnecting with lapsed friends helped me some, but what helped most was meeting some new people (who actually live and work in my area of town). I don't like to thrust myself into the middle of an unknown situation, so I started attending public events, speakers, the Sierra Club general meetings: wherever something interested me and I could mostly just observe what was going on {or lurk, if you prefer}.

At these events, someone is always willing to engage in pleasant conversation and on the other hand they tend to be understanding when you don't want to talk.

Using this technique I gradually got to know my community, and have selected a few activities which really interest me. Through these interests I have made a few friends.

Just my $.02

Nusqua

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Author: ScienceBabeFool Two stars, 250 posts Old School Fool Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: 255041 of 884982
Subject: Re: ot-help me do some "living" Date: 3/14/2002 1:36 PM
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Sarkie said (after posting a list of goals)
>Okay, after all that please don't think I'm a complete loser. I do >have some very good friends but they are developing lives of their >own. I travel a lot and go to the theatre a good bit. But my life just >isn't where I would like it to be.

>Has anyone else ever felt this way or done anything like this?

Sarkie,
Sure. Stephen Covey might call it "sharpening the saw" (btw, I am *not* a Stephen Covey fan but he does have some useful tools).

I call it living, developing as a person. Some people are motivated by goals and you might be one of them (I am). Right now I'm focused on five personal goals (I'll spare everyone the details of my private life!) and try to work on them weekly.

Regarding your comments on your formerly single friends now being in couples: Being in a relationship (and if the couple chooses to have kids) is a major time and work commitment. Hence, other things become deprioritized. Additionally, most people like to socialize with others who share their hobbies, lifestyles, interest. Realize that your coupled friends will have less time and new interests.

I suggest you talk to your dearest, now-coupled friends and let them know how you feel (without being accusatory). As you listed in your goals, make some new friends with common interests. Lastly, just accept yourself and learn to enjoy time spent alone. It can be very fun!

Good luck!
- SBF

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Author: deanwoodward Big gold star, 5000 posts Old School Fool Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: 255064 of 884982
Subject: Re: ot-help me do some "living" Date: 3/14/2002 2:16 PM
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Sarkie,

Here are my thoughts:

1) Get or borrow from the library a copy of '7 Habits of Highly Effective People', by Stephen Covey. I *am* a Covey fan, because I think he offers some useful constructs for living the life you want. Another good book is 'Unlimited Power', by Tony Robbins. A lot of people would say I'm a self-help wonk for recommending these (maybe I am), but they both have some good ideas in them. The great thing about ideas is you can take what you like, leave what you don't, and they're zero calories.

2) Get a catalog from your local community college. They probably have classes on several of the things you want to learn about or improve. The classes are usually inexpensive, and scheduled at night, so working people can attend. Not only that, but you might meet some other folks who are interested in the same things you are, and looking to improve their situation, too. So, you'd have two things in common right off the bat.

3) Believe in yourself. It's sounds like it's tough for you to do this, but just from your message, you seem to me to be earnest and articulate. You're definitely not a loser. You just have to start the journey to where you want to be, and it can be hard, so you may want to start slow. Who knows -- maybe in 10 years, your friends will tell you how much they envy you. Your new life is out there, waiting for you. It's your mission (should you decide to accept it -- insert Mission Impossible music here) to find it. Best of luck.

Dean

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Author: PartVeela One star, 50 posts Old School Fool Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: 255227 of 884982
Subject: Re: ot-help me do some "living" Date: 3/14/2002 5:25 PM
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Sarkie, I sent you an email with information about a women's bulletin board that I belong to that is very useful in providing ongoing support and encouragement (as well as opportunities for daily check-ins) for women trying to change their lives.

It's not a "heavy" bulletin board at all. (And it's FREE!)

Hope to see you there!

Part Veela

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Author: SeattlePioneer Big funky green star, 20000 posts Top Favorite Fools Old School Fool Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: 255240 of 884982
Subject: Re: ot-help me do some "living" Date: 3/14/2002 5:38 PM
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<<I suggest you talk to your dearest, now-coupled friends and let them know how you feel (without being accusatory). As you listed in your goals, make some new friends with common interests. Lastly, just accept yourself and learn to enjoy time spent alone. It can be very fun!

Good luck!
- SBF >>


I'd gently remind them that it's worthwhile to consider retaining old friends as future babysitters, if they think ahead a bit.



Seattle Pioneer

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Author: paulfife One star, 50 posts Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: 255258 of 884982
Subject: Re: ot-help me do some "living" Date: 3/14/2002 6:11 PM
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I called a friend of mine to see if she wants to have lunch on Sunday and she said yes and said she was actually thinking of me this morning (but she wouldn't have called) sigh… how come I have to do the calling and inviting?

I have found that there are way too many people who don't call their friends/family as much as they want because they are too busy or they always do the calling/inviting and the other party never does.

My fiance's sister always complains that she always has to come to our place when asked to come visit (Even though things are pretty even from my recollection). It all seems pretty silly to me - I don't see what it matters - so we go over there.

There are people who initiate things and there are those who let entropy take over. Be an initiator.

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Author: foolliss Big red star, 1000 posts Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: 255326 of 884982
Subject: Re: ot-help me do some "living" Date: 3/14/2002 10:26 PM
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Hullo Sarkie ...

I am just looking at your list and pondering ... I have a bit of discontent going on in my own life right now and I used to be painfully shy as well, so I definitely relate.

My very first recommendation is also the worst - do something everyday that scares you. Sounds awful but its the best way to get through the shy thing. Try to make small talk with the "little people" you see everyday... the mailperson, the receptionist, the maintenance people who come after regular workhours to empty your wastebasket.. where I live, most don't speak English, but they all appreciate a smile. In fact, everyone does. And half the time, if you just give someone a smile, they will say hello first, taking some of the pressure off. Talk about those boring mundane things like weather, traffic, etc. After several times, it gets easier and when you can make small talk with anyone you see, you are much farther from shy than where you started. I still call myself shy since it takes me forever to feel comfortable around people enough to just spring into a regular conversation but I can small talk with people, so no one thinks I am shy, or a snob (yeah, all you non-shy people, the snob in the corner is not a snob, not too stuck up to speak to you, she's just too shy to talk to you!).

Since you mention redecorating and painting, tackle this when you are having a brave moment - go in to Home Depot, look at paint chips. You will have a customer service person ready to help you in a heartbeat. (always works for me, even when I want to see light fixtures! :)) Here's the scary part, let them. Admit to needing their help, explain what you need, what you think your room needs and let them help you. This was very hard for me because I hate to be a burden for people.

With your hair and makeup, the next time you are in WalMart, go to the magazines, there will be more than a couple "hairstyle" magazines... stand there for awhile and flip through them till you find a couple that you like (styles, not necessarily magazines! :)), buy the mag(s) with the style(s) you like, take to your local upscale salon's best reputed hairdresser, explain that you are looking for a change, here's what you like, what, in their professional opinion would look best on you? It will do you no good to have a great wash-n-wear style that looks terrible with your face shape! That's why you take multiple styles (you can also just think about your favorite movie/tv/music stars), get an opinion.

You want to go to the upscale salon, not only to hopefully find the better stylist, but also to just to treat yourself. Take a long Saturday, go to the salon, go to the department store, find a makeup counter that you like, I've tried several and they all do free makeovers, buy yourself a new outfit that looks great, feels great and is not necessarily on sale.

As others have said: to meet people - friendly and more-than-friendly, volunteer, churches are good places to meet people if you are religious, taking classes will serve multiple purposes with this respect, and I would also just attend every social event that you can.. even birthday parties. Make it a goal to talk to at least one new person per event . Work yourself upto talking to one new person every hour per event. Again, its scary but you have to face it, embrace and free yourself from it. Just do one scary thing a day and then soon, it will all be less scary. I speak from experience here.

Just general, "discontented life" advice .. make a list of everything you like, every interest you have, everything you ever wanted to be as a kid, everything you ever wanted to learn, every positive change you want to make in your life, everything you want to be known for (oh, you like those candles, well if you want to know who makes the best smelling, longest burning candles ever, just talk to Sarkie - or whatever). Then make a list of everything you don't want to be known for, everything you don't want to be associated with, everything you want to take out of your life. Take a long hard look at those lists... expound on these ideas and really just level with yourself. Change is good, but only if its good for you. You might think that the best person in the world will have A, B, and C lined up but for you, the best Sarkie in the world might have instead J, C, and Y. Go with what you love, pursue your dreams, etc. :)

liss
changer/reinventer/tweaker of life and related items since 1902

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Author: warrl Big funky green star, 20000 posts Old School Fool Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: 255340 of 884982
Subject: Re: ot-help me do some "living" Date: 3/14/2002 11:36 PM
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Anyway, I'd like to try to totally revamp myself, but don't really know where to start. One problem I have is that I can be painfully shy when confronted with a new situation, which is one thing that I feel like is holding me back. The other is sometime I just don't know how to get started.

Here's a list of some of the things that I would like to do.

Go back to school and take fun classes
Take some cooking classes
Exercise a little
Find a good make-up for me
Find a great wash n wear hairstyle
redecorate my bedroom
Date more
Get to know my neighbors
Find friends that have like interests
Learn better conversation skills (be less shy)
Actually open a bank statement and balance my checkbook
Write more letters and cards to friends and family


The day after tomorrow is Saturday.

Pick one of the above.

On or before Saturday, do something toward it. Visit a community college (or culinary school) and pick up brochures; invite a neighbor to coffee; buy a card for your sister; whatever. Don't worry about what to do first, just DO SOMETHING.

If you don't get up and DO SOMETHING about some of these, you are going to die miserable.

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Author: betalife Big gold star, 5000 posts Old School Fool Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: 255379 of 884982
Subject: Re: ot-help me do some "living" Date: 3/15/2002 3:40 AM
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Do these things, and pretty soon YOU will be the well-rounded, interesting, exciting person that other people look at and wonder "how does she do it?"

You have to start living the life that you want - NOW. Only you can make it happen. It will not happen TO you.


It's a crime I could only rec kikichewie once--your post was outstanding!

betalife-in a rut since 1902

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Author: polarg Big gold star, 5000 posts Old School Fool Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: 255396 of 884982
Subject: Re: ot-help me do some "living" Date: 3/15/2002 8:04 AM
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You have gotten many very good responese to this post and I could not give you any better suggestions than what they have given you. However, there are two quotes that I have pinned up at my desk and that I read daily to motivate me and remind me of how I want to live. The first is from my old voice teacher.

"I don't want you to be timid, I want you to be passionate! I would rather hear a passionate wrong note than a timid right one!" - Geoffrey D. Hicks

"There are some things one can only achieve by a deliberate leap in the opposite direction. One has to go abroad in order to find the home one has lost." - Franz Kafka

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Author: kikichewie Big red star, 1000 posts Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: 255433 of 884982
Subject: Re: ot-help me do some "living" Date: 3/15/2002 10:03 AM
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Thanks!

I'm still in the "what do I want to do when I grow up" mood, and right now I'm considering going back to school for a degree in Sports Medicine/Athletics and/or nutrition, getting my personal training certificate (there's an exam in November), and working for myself (personal trainer, fitness writer, PR consultant to health clubs, etc.).

I'm making a ballsy move in July, when I'm going to quit my current job, go to Michigan for two weeks to help run an 8-day kayak race (my dad's company), and then start a new life. So I have a few months yet to figure out exactly what that will mean.

(Still working with the American Cancer Society in some capacity, which was an idea I came up with a while back.)

I want to become an expert in what I enjoy - instead of being the person who books the interviews for the experts in my company to talk about what THEY enjoy (which I couldn't care less about).

This board has been so helpful motivating me and inspiring me to really think about the decisions I'm making about how I want to live my life.

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Author: Ralphieda Three stars, 500 posts Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: 255704 of 884982
Subject: Re: ot-help me do some "living" Date: 3/15/2002 6:12 PM
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Go back to school and take fun classes
Take some cooking classes
Exercise a little
Find a good make-up for me
Find a great wash n wear hairstyle
redecorate my bedroom
Date more
Get to know my neighbors
Find friends that have like interests
Learn better conversation skills (be less shy)
Actually open a bank statement and balance my checkbook
Write more letters and cards to friends and family


I know this is probably going to sound hookey, but it is an idea all the same.

A few weeks ago -a month maybe- I got really mad because I couldn't put my CC down and bought a bunch of Mary Kay. Having the facial -which was free- put me on cloud nine. I had my consultant come to my house, so I wasn't around a whole scad of people. I learned about great skin care and make-up that inhanced ME. I have started walking taller, more people are noicing me, heads are turning. Since then I have decided to become a MK consultant wearing a make-up that works for me.

***This is where you should start paying attention***

By selling MK I will be earning $$ on my spare time, while I get to know my neighbors, find/make friends that have like interests (These friends are the type who always know what hairstyle looks the best, always know what goes where in a house and where to find it cheapest), learn conversation skills and increase my self-esteem, earn money to spend on anything I want to such as cards and paper for letters to friends and family (Including the Kegerator http://www.kuro5hin.org/?op=displaystory;sid=2002/3/13/103044/144 , which I'm sure would get me at least one date if I were looking-J/K) Selling MK will aslo pay my tuition for college classes and I am probably going to wnat to look my best, and stay healthy so I can enjoy the extra money earned from MK for as long as possible, so I am going to start an exercise program, and with all that extra money I know I will always be operating in the green so my checkbook will always be balanced!

And if you want I can get you some information on how you can get started too :-)

R
Just an idea...

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Author: pamburns Big red star, 1000 posts Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: 256092 of 884982
Subject: Re: ot-help me do some "living" Date: 3/17/2002 5:42 PM
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...Find a good make-up for me
Find a great wash n wear hairstyle
......

To do these as inexpensively as possible....

First, find a nearby high-end department store. Go in on a weekday and chat with several of the girls behind the cosmetic counters. Companies like Estee Lauder, Lancombe, etc., regularly have what they call "days of color" where they give makeovers free to anyone who comes. While it's nice to make a token purchase, it's not strictly necessary. They'll even give you the listing of make up colors they used, as well as a diagram for future applications. Do this with one of your married girl friends and make an afternoon of it...great way to unwind.

As for the hair, find either a local beauty school, or call some of the larger chains and find out when they do their training classes. You can often get high-end hair styling for a pittance as a subject in one of their training classes. Plus, it can be very fun as well.

HTH

Pam

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