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CBS Marketwatch recently interviewed James Meyers, the CFO of Petco who recently went public (again), but the answers to the questions were inadventently omitted. The questions just sat there. A wry grin crossed my face. Imagine comic strip icon Calvin holding a tomato in his hand as Susie walks by -- the look of opportunity crossing his face...

Here now are the fictitional answers to the real questions asked by Marketwatch. In no way am I saying that my opinion of this company is slanted toward the skewed answers. I don't know the real answers so I made them up.

CBS.MW: Why did you do the IPO when you did? It's been a tough environment.

Well, to be frank with you, we need the money. We were pretty stupid about spending money, just like all the rest of America was a couple of years ago, and now we're paying for it.

CBS.MW: What about the demographic trends you're seeing, with more empty nesters and Baby Boomers with kids. How is that helping you?

Oh, um, well empty nests mean that bird seed sales have been slow, uh, but this spring we figure the birds will do their thing and, uh, you know, bird seed should shoot right back up giving us a profitable 3rd quarter. I don't suppose we have a market that sells to humans having kids, though. We're looking into that.

CBS.MW: There's also been a rise in the premium pet food sector. What's your role in that?

Well, of course the bird seed is going to be our really big push. Since I'm the CFO I guess my role is to count the money we make.

CBS.MW: How did investors react to the company during your IPO road show?

It was really cool. A lot of people sold antiques and these two guys were telling people how much they could get for stuff like an old, beat-up dresser. They even told me that my grandfather's antique watch may be worth $50.

CBS.MW: Could you bring us up to date on how efforts are going to reduce your debt?

With the IPO we have money now so we can spend more, and of course spending more means we generate more net income so we can pay our debt by issuing additional shares. Did that make sense? If it did, er, didn't I'd be glad to reword that.

CBS.MW: What about generating net income?

Like I said, we generate more net income by paying off debt which is in flux with the issuance of more shares and the sale of premium bird seed.

CBS.MW: What's the fate of your big stockholders, Leonard Green & Partners and Texas Pacific Group in the fall of 2000.

Well, since we're guaranteed to turn a profit later this year, ain't that a dumb question?

CBS.MW: Discount retailing giants such as Wal-Mart (WMT) have been on fire. How do you compete with them?

Wow! I wasn't aware that they were resorting to such gimmicks! I believe our management team has been discussing such a press-garnering event. Torching one of ours own stores has not been discussed but we would certainly consider it -- especially if it meant keeping up with Wal-Mart in the sale of premium bird seed.

That was fun.

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