A Foolish Interview with SmrtAss Add to My Favorite Fools Add to My Penalty Box

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The Fool: What has been your best work experience, and what made it so great?
SmrtAss: It couldn't have been when I was teaching swimming lessons with a hang-over and noticed that the child I was teaching to float was peeing on me. Or the two week stint at Stuckey's that paid a dollar an hour. Maybe it was the jeweler's assistant job when I engraved someone's favorite I.D. bracelet with the wrong name. How 'bout when I sold service contracts over the phone for a company that used to put out a Wish Book? No, it was the lifeguard job; sitting on the lifeguard tower with my shades on and my whistle at the ready; sending kids to the concession stand to refill my drink cup. Yeah, that's the one!
The Fool: What's your greatest athletic achievement? Little League champ? Ran a marathon? Did 4 consecutive sit-ups?
SmrtAss: How about an embarrassing one? In seventh grade, in the finals of the district basketball championship, I was warming the bench, as usual. It was the last thirty seconds of the game and the score was tied. The ref made a call against us, and the crowd roared. In the heat of the moment, I jumped off the bench and blew a raspberry. The ref blew his whistle, pointed at me and screamed, "Technical foul on #14!" The team, my coach, the crowd, all looked at me in horror and disbelief. I even looked down at my uniform number to make sure he meant me. He did. I hung my head in shame. The other team made the shot. We lost. <sob>
The Fool: Your greatest fear? Any neurotic ones (agoraphobia, triskaidekaphobia, etc.)?
SmrtAss: Fear of flying. Well, not really flying, but crashing. Okay, maybe not the crashing, but the dying. But not just the dying, but knowing that I'm dying. You know, the plane is going down and you have a coupla minutes there where you kinda hafta figure this is it? THAT'S my greatest fear. It's not neurotic, though. Is it?
The Fool: What's the best advice you've ever received?
SmrtAss: Never safety pin the straps of your bra. (Thanks, Mom.)
The Fool: What's your biggest pet peeve?
SmrtAss: Grammar and spelling errors on websites, in newspapers, on signs, etc. Proofreading and editing seem to be a lost art.
The Fool: What's one of your special talents?
SmrtAss: I read well aloud. It all started in first grade and snowballed after that. Teachers always called on me to read aloud to the class. Such expression, such inflection...and I could always pronounce the hard words. It all came to a head when I was in a high school bookkeeping class and the teacher asked me to read aloud. One of my brothers was taking the class, too. As I read the words clearly and proudly, he kicked me under the table and said..."It's bookkeeping, Patti, not Shakespeare." Ahh, the death of a career. Now, hardly anyone asks me to read aloud.
The Fool: What's the strangest thing you've ever seen?
SmrtAss: I was staring out of an upper story dorm room window, looking at a car in the parking lot. I saw what I thought was the tail of a dog wagging very rapidly. Some people walked by and the wagging stopped. Then the white tail resumed wagging very quickly and rhythmically, stopping if someone approached. This went on for awhile, rhythmic wagging halted only by the presence of outsiders. I summoned a friend to look out the window at the strange wagging tail...and ummm...well, uh...it wasn't a dog, after all!! Oops!
The Fool: What product would you like to see us offer at FoolMart -- www.foolmart.com -- our online store?
SmrtAss: 1)Paperdolls of TMF staffers with lots of changes of clothes. I could dress TMFTwitty as MissManners, TMF2Aruba in resort wear or a French maid outfit, TMFRunkle in Kathie Lee designer clothes or GI Joe uniforms, TMFJenko in a sarong, TMFJedi as Queen Amidala, TMFSargon as MIA...the possibilities and fun are endless!<BR><BR>2)Trading cards of all of my Favorite Fools. Picture, short bio, general info, stats!<BR> <BR>3)Tom and Dave Gardner lifesized inflatable dolls. The greatest boy toys ever, or what??? (Anatomically correct, of course.)<BR>
The Fool: As you were growing up (or now, raising children), did your family have any distinctive rituals or practices others might do well to emulate?
SmrtAss: When we were kids and my dad wanted us to go to 6:00 a.m. weekday Mass during Lent, he'd wake us up by serving us Cafe Au Lait in bed. (We called it coffee milk.) We thought it was a treat, and it got us wide-eyed and awake for those early morning services. Sometimes the whole family would have breakfast at a little cafe afterwards. It brought us all together in a very nice way.
The Fool: What's the most overrated idea, person, or event in our culture?
SmrtAss: I'm hoping it's the Y2K crisis, but you'll have to get back to me on that one.<BR><BR>(1/22/00 update: YES! I was right!)<BR>
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