To ensure that we Americans never offend anyone -- particularly fanatics intent on killing us -- airport screeners are not allowed to profile people. They will, however, continue to perform random searches of 80-year-old women, little kids, airline pilots with proper identification, Secret Service agents who are members of the President's security detail, and 85-year old Congressmen with metal hips.

Let's pause a moment and take the following test:

In 1972, 11 Israeli athletes were killed at the Munich Olympics by:
(a) Grandma Moses;
(b) The night cleaning crew at Rockefeller Center;
(c) Invaders from Mars; or
(d) Arab Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40.

In 1979, the US embassy in Iran was taken over by:
(a) Norwegians from the Lichen Herbarium of the University of Oslo;
(b) Elvis;
(c) A tour bus full of 80-year-old women; or
(d) Arab Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40.

In 1983, the US Marine barracks in Beirut was blown up by:
(a) A pizza delivery boy;
(b) Crazed feminists complaining that having to throw a grenade beyond its own burst radius in basic training was an unfair and sexist job requirement;
(c) Geraldo Rivera making up for a slow news day; or
(d) Arab Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40.

In 1988, Pan Am Flight 103 was bombed by:
(a) Luca Brazzi, for not being given a part in "Godfather 2";
(b) The Tooth Fairy;
(c) Butch and Sundance, who had a few sticks of dynamite left over from their train mission; or,
(d) Arab Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40.

In 1993, the World Trade Center was bombed by:
(a) The entire cast of "Cats";
(b) Martha Stewart;
(c) Cheese-crazed tourists from Wisconsin; or
(d) Arab Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40.

In 1998, the US embassies in Kenya and Tanzania a were bombed by:
(a) Mr. Rogers;
(b) Hillary, to distract attention from Wild Bill's women problems;
(c) The World Wrestling Federation to promote its next villain: "Mustafa the Merciless"; or
(d) Arab Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40.

On 9/11/01 four airliners were hijacked and destroyed by:
(a) Bugs Bunny, Will E. Coyote, Daffy Duck, and Elmer Fudd.
(b) The US Supreme Court,
(c) Barney; or
(d) Arab Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40.

This proves beyond a reasonable doubt that the ACLU is completely right, and that we should never use racial profiling -- even though it would easily save thousands of American lives.