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Author: determinedmom Big red star, 1000 posts Feste Award Nominee! Old School Fool Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: of 310153  
Subject: Re: Reconciling Different Money Priorities Date: 8/15/2008 11:05 AM
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Reading the most recent post of your nycinsanity, it sounds like what is going on from her standpoint is something like this:

She was in school and you were supporting the household (to her mind, showing that you can do so with just your income). She isn't an owner of the home and it isn't in her name or she isn't liable (coming from a community property state this seems weird to me if the home was bought during marriage, but OK). She wasn't paying rent while in school and this is a marriage, after all, not a landlord tenant relationship.

Now, she is finally earning money and gets $6000! And, you want to take it away from her and put it in a joint account where you will essentially control and spend it to pay for bills and expenses that she has never paid and that she knows you can pay since you did pay it before.

She knows she had a $900 allowance before when she wasn't earning...and now that she is, you suggest taking "her" $5500 and leaving her $500 for an allowance...less than she made before.

I'm not saying I agree with her thinking btw, just describing it.

FriedGreenPotato is entirely right that you really can't control anything she does (have you ever read about control or choice theory FGP?). Anyway, if she puts $6000 in a joint account that is a choice she makes. You can't control it. For that matter, if you put $20,000 in the joint account she can't control that and it is your choice. You could decide to go to Tahiti tomorrow. There might be consequences but you actually have a choice as to how you spend your money. She has a choice as to how she spend hers.

This is not to advocate separate account. Personally I find the idea of charging rent, for example, odious in marriage. I believed in shared accounts. But that doesn't change the fact that each person has choices to make.

You don't get to choose to "give her" $2000 or $500 spending money. The check is made to her from her work and *she* decides what she will contribute to household expenses, savings, etc. That is not to say that you have to agree to her choices. You have the choice to say that if she is keeping $2000 or $4000 or whatever for spending money that you won't spend your money for dinners out (or whatever). And, that you don't want someone living in your house who isn't contributing more to the household.
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