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Author: Ezlington Big funky green star, 20000 posts Old School Fool Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: of 168293  
Subject: Real Men : Retrosexuals Date: 5/20/2005 5:27 PM
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Recommendations: 48

Real Men of the World, Unite!

Ok folks, I have had it. I've taken all I can stands and I can't stands no more. Every time my TV is on, all that can be seen is effeminate men redecorating houses, talking about foreign concepts like "style", and "fixing" guys like myself. Real men of the world, stand up, scratch your ass, belch, and yell "ENOUGH!" I hereby announce the start of a new offensive in the culture wars, the Retrosexual movement.

The Code for Real Men

A Retrosexual, no matter what the women insists, PAYS FOR THE DATE.

A Retrosexual opens doors for a lady. Even for the ones that fit that term only because they are female.

A Retrosexual DEALS with (stuff). Be it a flat tire, break-in into your home, or a natural disaster, you DEAL WITH IT.

A Retrosexual not only eats red meat, he often kills it himself.

A Retrosexual doesn't worry about living to be 90. It's not how long you live, but how well. If you're 90 years old and still smoking cigars and drinking, I salute you.

A Retrosexual does not use more hair or skin products than a woman. Women have several supermarket aisles of stuff. Retrosexuals need an endcap (possibly 2 endcaps if you include shaving goods.)

A Retrosexual does not dress in clothes from Hot Topic when he's 30 years old.

A Retrosexual should know how to properly kill stuff (or people) if need be. This falls under the "dealing with (stuff)" portion of The Code.

A Retrosexual does not let neighbors eff up rooms in his house on national TV.

A Retrosexual should not give up excessive amounts of manliness for sex. Some is inevitable, but major re-invention of yourself will only lead to you becoming a froo-froo little wimp, and in the long run, she ain't worth it.

A Retrosexual is allowed to seek professional help for major mental stress such as alcohol addiction, death of your entire family in a freak tree chipper accident, favorite sports team being moved to a different city etc. You are NOT allowed to see a shrink because Daddy didn't pay you enough attention. Daddy was busy DEALING WITH (STUFF). When you effed up, he DEALT with you. Buck up wimp.

A Retrosexual will have at least one outfit in his wardrobe designed to conceal himself from prey.

A Retrosexual knows how to tie a Windsor knot when wearing a tie.

A Retrosexual should have at least one good wound he can brag about getting.

A Retrosexual knows how to use a basic set of tools. If you can't
hammer a damn nail, or drill a straight hole, practice in secret until you can or be rightfully ridiculed for the wuss you be.

A Retrosexual's @ssh0le is an exit ramp on the road of life. Ladies, contrary to what Cosmo says, spontaneously sticking a finger back there is a good way to be launched off the bed (or if Hooters hotwings have been recently consumed, lose a finger). Make you a deal, we won't mess with yours unless you want us to, and you won't mess with ours period.

A Retrosexual will buy feminine hygiene products if he has to, but only under protest. This falls under unpleasant things you have to DEAL with. Get some Hagen-Daas while your at it.

A Retrosexual gives a lady his seat on the bus/subway/etc.

A Retrosexual does not order an apple martini at the bar. A Martini has gin and vermouth in it dammit. And maybe an olive. In fact, why not just get a beer and a shot of scotch??

A Retrosexuals duty to make sure his buddy is ok when he is injured, and once that is established, the duty then changes to ridicule over being a dumb@ss and getting hurt in the first place.

A Retrosexual should resist crying, There are very few reasons, and none of them have to do with TV commercials, movies, or soap operas. Sports teams are sometimes a reason to cry, but the preferred method of release is swearing a throwing the remote control. Some reasons a retrosexual can cry include (but are not limited to) death of a loved one, death of a lifelong pet, loss of a major body part. (but fingers and toes don't cut it)

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