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I hope you know that I wouldn't do this for just anybody, but you seem to want to learn and if I can help you eat an Oreo cookie, well that carries its own reward.

An Oreo is not supposed to smell bad down there. Like Red said, you will learn to love it, IF it is a fresh Oreo. Some Oreos smell better than others. Diet, hygiene, and local flora all contribute to the overall scent and taste. A dip in a glass of milk or soy will eliminate all odors and give you a clean canvas to work on.

Don't just go down and start gobbling the cream filling. In fact, don't even touch the cream filling for as long as you can put it off. Anticipation is extremely hunger-inducing. Kiss the outside edges, around the rim, work your way down, but veer off and give the center some attention. Slowly lick either side of the cookie. Run your tongue over the middle without going inside, then slowly go in, starting on top and working your way down as you separate the cookie. Take a look at what you're dealing with. It's OK to look. Spread open the cookie with your fingers. You should see something like a white paste. This is the cream filling and where you will be paying most of your attention. Generally you want to concentrate on the area just slightly above where you think you should be concentrating. You will know when you're in the right place because of the flavor.

Alternate between barely touching the cream filling with your tongue and just using the tip of your tongue, to using your entire tongue to cover the whole area. Make the surface of your tongue into a suction cup and pull the cream filling gently away from the cookie. Run your tongue from side to side. Use it to push the cream filling in different directions. Use your whole face. Move your tongue by moving your entire head from side to side as if to shake your head no. This is a rhythmic activity and in general, slow is better than fast. Forget everything you've seen in Oreo commercials. They use flashy techniques and cheat out for the camera. In real life, if you're doing things right, no camera is going to be able to record the action.

Insert a finger or two (start with one) into the cream filling, with your palm facing upwards. Feel around the inside -- you are feeling for a small patch that is a little more gooey than the surrounding cream filling. Massage the gooey patch gently in a circular motion, or up and down.. experiment and see what produces the best taste. Don't stop using your tongue. With practice, you can synchronize the movement of your tongue on the outside with the movement of your finger on the inside. With your other hand, place your palm over the cookie, near the center, and press gently down and forward, towards your head. This stretches out the cookie area and gives you a more accessible workspace.

Use your voice box. Use the lowest register you are capable of. The vibrations will travel from your box the cookie. A little low-pitched moaning does wonders. Don't overdo it. Act like you are enjoying this. Fake it if you have to. This could be the most fun you've had in ages. A lot of cookie producers are ashamed of this entire area of their cookie. They modify the recipe because they are insecure about the appearance and impression their cookie will make. Some cookie makers will even refuse to make cookies for this reason: They don't want you getting a good taste of the cream filling. You need to enjoy the cookie. Revel in the smell and feel of it. Again, get your whole face in there -- this is a messy activity. Enjoy the mess. While your tongue is working on the cream filling, your lower lip and even your chin can be massaging below, around the rim of the Oreo.

Signs you are doing it right: Your breathing will get heavier. Obviously, moaning is a good sign. Signs that you are getting really excited are any sort of pelvic movement, especially a thrusting of the pelvis towards the cookie, and a shrinking of the cream filling. When you start to notice the cream filling getting smaller, like it's trying to hide from you, you may be getting close to finishing the cookie. You may even move the cookie away from you because this is a state of very intense enjoyment of cookies. Settle into a rhythm with your tongue and hand movements now. DON'T SPEED UP. If you do anything, SLOW DOWN. Don't change the motion of your tongue or fingers. Let the cookie move against you. You'll know when it is eaten. Keep doing exactly what you are doing until the cookie is obviously finished or you grab another Oreo.

Oh, and um, never use your teeth for anything unless you want to chew.

HTH,
whafa

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