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Author: legalwordwarrior Big funky green star, 20000 posts Old School Fool Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: of 6599  
Subject: Revisionist History Date: 9/12/2012 10:49 AM
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strikes again!

Earlier this week I was talking to Mom about the shocks on her car. She has a 1995 Town Car and has apparently developed a leak in the air shocks, so the car dips low overnight and then when she gets into it the next day the motor will get it rise again. But it's very on and off. She's had a few instances where it has lost pressure while she's been out running errands.

I asked DD#2s BF about it and he said that a conversion kit is about $350, whereas replacing the airshocks will run about $400 per shock. He said he can literally do the conversion in the driveway in a couple of hours. DD#2 wants to go see Mom anyway, so we'll figure out a day when the BF can get off work and then we'll drive up and get it all taken care of.

While talking to Mom, I mentioned that I told DD#2s BF that we would need to go to Mom since she doesn't like to drive down here. Mom replied
"I never said that"
Me: "Umm, you've been saying that for 2 years."
Mom: "No, I just haven't been invited."
Me: "For over three years everytime we've made arrangements for you to come see us, you've backed off at the last minute. Told me you were sick, and that it's too hard for you to keep making the trip. What else was I supposed to think?"
Mom: "Well, I haven't been invited down there in ages and I'm not going to invite myself!"
Me: "Whatever, Mom. We'll make arrangements to get S up there and get your car fixed."

I haven't talked to her since Sunday. I swear, she's getting as childish as my great-grandfather. I know it hasn't been more than 6 months since she told me that she "just can't make that trip anymore" and added that "old people don't like to sleep in a strange bed" The last time she did come stay with us, she got disoriented in the night and couldn't find her way in the dark from the livingroom to the bathroom even with the nightlight.

She also used to say that she didn't dare be away from church on Sunday, now she says that it's no big deal for her to miss a service. I love her and I really do want to get her car fixed for her, but I'm actually a little concerned that something could happen to her if she tried to make the drive down here by herself.

Head:Desk

LWW
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Author: TMFPMarti Big funky green star, 20000 posts Home Fool Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: 5577 of 6599
Subject: Re: Revisionist History Date: 9/12/2012 10:56 AM
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Head:Desk

I'm surprised I haven't said this to you before. They don't get more reasonable with time. Hang in there, and don't forget the pillow for your desk. It's called prophylactic care.

Phil
Rule Your Retirement Home Fool

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Author: joikim Big red star, 1000 posts Old School Fool Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: 5578 of 6599
Subject: Re: Revisionist History Date: 9/12/2012 12:10 PM
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Oh, wait it may get even better (meaning worse). My mom regularly tells stories about herself, me and others that are flat out fantasy or at best skewed. She has forgotten about 30 years of employment and only remembers being in her first job and also "remembers" being pregnant with me (I'm adopted). I just go along with whatever she says.
JK

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Author: determinedmom Big red star, 1000 posts Feste Award Nominee! Old School Fool Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: 5579 of 6599
Subject: Re: Revisionist History Date: 9/12/2012 1:27 PM
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My mom (who is 88) does this too. It absolutely drives me crazy. I know she is getting more forgetful but generally she reasons well but sometimes she will says she did X or didn't do X when the facts are different. Or, she will suddenly remember facts that -- well -- aren't facts. She recently visited us and was complaining that I hardly ever call her, maybe once every month or two. I actually pulled my cell phone bills and showed her that I average a call a week (usually an hour long).... Then... no, I won't totally hijack your thread....

But, yes, it does make you want to just bang your head on the desk....

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Author: inparadise Big funky green star, 20000 posts Old School Fool Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: 5580 of 6599
Subject: Re: Revisionist History Date: 9/12/2012 1:32 PM
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But, yes, it does make you want to just bang your head on the desk....

I think the only thing worse than dealing with declining parents is dealing with siblings over division of assets.

IP,
having no desire to deal with two of my siblings anymore, and can only imagine how bad it would have been had we not taken measures before his death to get Dad's will and trust docs up to snuff

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Author: TMFPMarti Big funky green star, 20000 posts Home Fool Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: 5581 of 6599
Subject: Re: Revisionist History Date: 9/12/2012 1:43 PM
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I think the only thing worse than dealing with declining parents is dealing with siblings over division of assets.

Anyone who followed my saga on the Baby Boomers board knows of my trials and tribulations with Sainted Brother, but to his credit I will say that there was never one moment's problem on this front. This even though I handled all my parents' finances during the last several years of their lives. It didn't hurt that we have radically different tastes, so when it came time to divvy up the tangibles he took everything he wanted, I took everything I wanted, and we sold the rest. Not one item was on both our lists, but we were prepared with a plan for that eventuality.

Of course, that's not to say that I didn't have meticulous documentation for every penny of theirs I spent while I was running the financial show.

Phil
Rule Your Retirement Home Fool

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Author: legalwordwarrior Big funky green star, 20000 posts Old School Fool Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: 5582 of 6599
Subject: Re: Revisionist History Date: 9/12/2012 2:31 PM
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Phil, youi probably did tell me and I just had a "senior" moment and forgot!

I'll definitely add a pillow next to my desk :0)

LWW

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Author: legalwordwarrior Big funky green star, 20000 posts Old School Fool Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: 5583 of 6599
Subject: Re: Revisionist History Date: 9/12/2012 2:37 PM
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Or, she will suddenly remember facts that -- well -- aren't facts.

We go through this a lot. Like the time Mom announced to everyone that my oldest daughter was the one who named her "Nana". Umm, no. We actually sat down both sets of soon-to-be grandparents and asked them if they had any preferences. They gave us, in order of paternal grandparents first:

GD & BayJean

Nana & Papa Don

We saw no reason to argue with them since I still called my grandfather Grandpa and my husband called his Paps, BayLo, and Mammy Laine.

I guess what really gets me is that she will be so absolutely certain of her "facts", that I find myself turning to DH, the kids, and my step-sibs trying to find anyone who can actually remember the incident or whatever just to be sure I'm not losing my marbles!

LWW

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Author: legalwordwarrior Big funky green star, 20000 posts Old School Fool Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: 5584 of 6599
Subject: Re: Revisionist History Date: 9/12/2012 2:43 PM
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It didn't hurt that we have radically different tastes, so when it came time to divvy up the tangibles he took everything he wanted, I took everything I wanted, and we sold the rest. Not one item was on both our lists, but we were prepared with a plan for that eventuality.

I'm sure I've mentioned it before, but when my Grandmother died, Mom asked her older brother if he wanted any of Grandma's books (she was a voracious reader). He responded "Yes, all the ones with words on the pages" Grandpa stepped in and pulled out the books he knew Grandma wanted to pass on through Mom and gave the rest to the older brother. But it really left a bad taste in his mouth about it. A year or so later, Grandpa came into possession of two very nice BMW motorcycles. DH was drooling over them. Grandpa ended up giving one of them to DH and the other one to his younger son. When older son questioned the division, Grandpa told him that between the VW Bug that he had given him the year before and the books, he felt like it was an even exchange.

There are days that I really, really miss him!

LWW

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Author: YewGuise Big red star, 1000 posts Old School Fool Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: 5585 of 6599
Subject: Re: Revisionist History Date: 9/13/2012 12:37 AM
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...I really do want to get her car fixed for her...

You sure?

Maybe it's time to put it "in the shop" and make other arrangements for her transportation.

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Author: LLRinCO Big red star, 1000 posts Old School Fool Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: 5586 of 6599
Subject: Re: Revisionist History Date: 9/13/2012 2:45 AM
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When DH's mother-in-law started acting irrational we sold her car and used the money to pay off her credit cards. She lives in an apartment for the elderly (NOT assisted living) that has a dining hall and bus service. We didn't want her to cause an accident that would hurt someone and leave her liable.
My dad has Parkinsons and luckily he knows he can't drive anymore - he made that decision, we didn't have to.

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Author: legalwordwarrior Big funky green star, 20000 posts Old School Fool Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: 5587 of 6599
Subject: Re: Revisionist History Date: 9/13/2012 11:16 AM
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You sure?

Maybe it's time to put it "in the shop" and make other arrangements for her transportation.


No. She's still getting around just fine and she lives several miles from town. She needs to remain mobile for as long as possible.

LWW

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Author: legalwordwarrior Big funky green star, 20000 posts Old School Fool Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: 5588 of 6599
Subject: Re: Revisionist History Date: 9/13/2012 2:47 PM
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When DH's mother-in-law started acting irrational we sold her car and used the money to pay off her credit cards. She lives in an apartment for the elderly (NOT assisted living) that has a dining hall and bus service. We didn't want her to cause an accident that would hurt someone and leave her liable.
My dad has Parkinsons and luckily he knows he can't drive anymore - he made that decision, we didn't have to.


If we had that option, that's the way we'd go, except at this point her driving is fine and aside from wanting to remember everything in the past with rose-colored glasses, she seems to be on top of things.

One thing I do want to mention is that putting her in any sort of assisted living/senior facilty is not in the cards. A few years ago she took out a reverse mortgage on her house. If she moves out, she has to sell it and give the proceeds to the company she did the mortgage with. The house is not in an area that will allow her to sell it as a residence. The best she can hope for is to sell it as commercial property, but even then, she won't get as much out of it as she owes against it.

So if anything happens to her, I will have to move her in with us. If I move her in with us, given that we have no place to put her, my husband will move out. I am not willing to give up my husband and kick one of my kids out of the house to move my mother in with me. If that makes me an awful daughter, well, then I'm an awful daughter.

I've watched my mother spend money like there was no tomorrow while she was married to my dad, and my stepdad. She blew through her inheritence like it was water, now at 83, the proverbial chickens are coming home to roost, but unless I suddenly win the lottery (and I don't even play), there is no way we can afford to put her into any sort of senior facility and no way she can move in with us.

LWW

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Author: TMFPMarti Big funky green star, 20000 posts Home Fool Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: 5589 of 6599
Subject: Re: Revisionist History Date: 9/13/2012 2:59 PM
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A few years ago she took out a reverse mortgage on her house. If she moves out, she has to sell it and give the proceeds to the company she did the mortgage with. The house is not in an area that will allow her to sell it as a residence. The best she can hope for is to sell it as commercial property, but even then, she won't get as much out of it as she owes against it.

As I understand reverse mortgages, that's the mortgagee's problem, not hers.

So if anything happens to her, I will have to move her in with us.

No, it sounds like she may wind up in some sort of facility with Medicaid picking up what she can't pay.

But as they say, you can burn that bridge when you come to it.

Phil
Rule Your Retirement Home Fool

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Author: Bobcatkitty Three stars, 500 posts Old School Fool Add to my Favorite Fools Ignore this person (you won't see their posts anymore) Number: 5590 of 6599
Subject: Re: Revisionist History Date: 9/13/2012 3:00 PM
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My sentiments exactly LWW. Your Mom sounds like mine. However, she only spent money on items that fell into these 2 categories: #1: She needed it and #2: She wanted it.

We are however fortunate that Nebraska has something called Medicaid Waiver. This allows her to live in a wonderful assited living apartment. She is able to keep her regular MediCARE and supplement, but the state takes the balance of her SS check. So in her case, the $3000/mo charge means she pays $1000/mo and the state pay $2000. She is allowed to keep $60/per month for misc. expenses

I am paying for the phone in her apartment and my brother is paying for her hair salon appts. She thinks the phone is just part of her rent, and that the hair salon is being paid from "her money".

She's now 92, and here we are still treating her in the manner that her Princess-hood requires. But at least she's not living with me or my brother.

...makes me a bad person? so be it!!!

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