No. of Recommendations: 5
The reports of scriptwriters being barred from Starbucks because of their demeanor is true and necessary. Scriptwriters are the lowest in the entertainment food chain. Remember it was scriptwriters who gave us Waterworld and Ishtar.

I would walk into Starbucks and be besieged. “Script Doctor, help me with this. I and my script are dieing over here.” Or, “Script Doctor, no mojo in the last third so how do I get my mojo back?” Or, “Script Doctor, I spent the advance on a latte and I have not only writer’s block but also an intestinal block.” And other inanities.

One came to me saying, “Script Doctor, this script has Bruce Willis written all over it.” And he was right: eight pages (single sided, double spaced) of two words repeated over and over. ‘Bruce Willis, Bruce Willis, Bruce Willis’.

These poor wretches. Once scriptwriting was a pantheon of great names but now accreditation is a notification of whom to blame. It’s an industry that resumes are rewritten as to picture gross. “No, I didn’t write that script. It was written by someone with a similar name. I was in my parents’ basement at the time.”

Mothers, fathers, don’t send your child into the world to be a scriptwriter. There are other avenues of degradation. Teach them the honorable art of fencepost placement or groundhog rehabilitation – anything but writing scripts, please.

How to tell a scriptwriter is in how they deny being a scriptwriter. A script is not a script but a ‘treatment’. Such treatment should be under the United Nation’s Panel on Grievous Assault.

Feeling pity and at Starbucks I read a ‘script’ that I immediately knew would have a restricted appeal. The title gave it away: Debbie Goes to the Farm and Gets Porked.” Derivative.

Are there any good scripts? Of course there are. Trouble is they are so few that 99.99999999999999 of them are drivel. Nicely typed drivel but drivel nonetheless.

Sitting next to a driveler at Starbucks can affect your whole day.

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When Life Gives You Lemons
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