I am fustrated and fed up. I have a slight OCD streak in me. I know I have high standard for everything. I run into a lot of issues when it comes to the my kids. They are 8&5, good kids, well disciplined, top of their classes, ect. How on earth do I get themm to understand that value in (material) things. For example, my daughter(8) ruined every pair of shoes she owns by crushing the back of them so the backs are all broke and flat. This drives me insane because now she looks like a slob when she wears them and then they tear and she needs new ones. I just cut myself down to two jobs last October and finally paid off all my debt. I am not willing to throw $40-60 out the window on her shoes all the time. Same thing goes with DVD's they leave them out and then they get scratched. I could keep listing things that they wear and tear faster then I would like. I understand that kids do things and ruin things but that doesn't ever make it okay especially when they have been taught and taught and shown how to treat and care for things. Basically I need some advice, How do I teach them value of property and themselves in general. I want to teach them in a positve way but I know I don't always stay positive, I sure try but my need for perfection gets in my way and my temper boils up and I yell at them and then I am not teaching them anything but anger. I want them to have a lot of respect and a good self esteem. Help and Thank you.
AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!! I typed a long post and it got eaten.Basically, 1. stop replacing ruined items and 2. give them a small allowance, and let them decide how to spend it. "I'm sorry, honey, I can't afford to buy a new X. It will take you Y weeks to save up your allowance, and then you can buy it."When they want to spend their allowance on something immediate and frivolous, like candy, LET THEM, but point out the consequence. "If you buy candy today, it will take you Z MORE weeks to save for that movie."If you can be consistent, and patient, eventually, they will start to get it. Not at first, but eventually.And why the heck do you spend $40-60 on SHOES for an 8 year old? I don't spend that much on shoes for me. My 13 year old likes Converse and the last pair I bought her cost around $35, but she's gotten 15 months out of them.Ishtar
I am not willing to throw $40-60 out the window on her shoes all the time.Then don't. Make her wear the shoes after you fix the back or if you feel you must buy replacement ones, get ugly (but functional) ones that are cheap. Shoes are A LOT less than $40 at Kmart.Make them pay for stuff. If it's their money getting wasted, they'll start caring. If their favorite dvds are scratched, too bad. They can live without them or spend their own money on replacements.
And why the heck do you spend $40-60 on SHOES for an 8 year old?Sometimes, it's about the quality and the manufacture. I don't know about the OP, but I can tell you that my kid will go through 4 pairs of $12 shoes as if they were made out of paper. $12 shoes are made out of cloth or plastic. They tend to be glued, not stitched. I look for all-leather shoes, which tend to be at least $30 even on sale (YMMV, of course). I try very hard to snap things up on sale, even buying ahead of need, but it's tough, even considering that I live in a temperate zone and don't need to worry as much about seasonal needs.Disclosure: My kid's feet point in rather severely, not bad enough to warrant surgery... though I sometimes think that might be the better option because the freakin' dance lessons (Irish dance, requires feet pointed OUT, forces HRH's attention as to how she's placing her feet, yadda yadda) are going to push me into the poorhouse, I swear.
Oh, I forgot to mention, my kid went through that "break down the back of the shoe and make it flat" phase. In our case, it has something to do with fashion vs. school dress code. Is the OP's kid going to school with a dress code with a "no open-back shoes" rule?I worked with another parent in poking the teachers to enforcing the letter of the dress code on this issue. We asked, firmly & politely, and repeatedly, that they require the girls to put their shoes on completely and if they did not comply to send them to the office where they would be made to sit until their parents came and brought them suitable shoes or took them home.Yeah, I felt like a real bitch forcing the teachers to spend time looking at the kids' footwear, but I'll be damned if I'm going to let pre-teen group-think drive my budget especially considering the effort I have to expend finding decent footwear for my kid.It helped that there was another mother as concerned about the situation as I was.
Thank you and sorry for venting so much yesterday. I do like the idea of giving the kids a budget and letting them be responsible for picking out and bying there shoes/clothes. They can earn them and appriciate them. The same idea goes for clothes, movies, and toys. The main thing I am after is appriciate and value.
See, that's why I like you!Ishtar
But, Tera, you aren't a single parent working 2 jobs to keep a roof over your head.You can worry about the quality to that level.She can't.Ishtar
But, Tera, you aren't a single parent working 2 jobs to keep a roof over your head.You can worry about the quality to that level.She can't.Well, wait, I think you missed the point.I'm maximizing the utility of my dollars. I could buy cheapie shoes for my kid, but I'd end up spending more. She wears her shoes out before she grows out of them. The cheapie shoes fall apart. That's all I was trying to point out. You can go cheap and sometinmes that's counterproductive. I'm not suggesting that buying $85 Teva sandales or $125 Nikes are the answer. I'm just trying to foster a more reasonable mindset to dollars spent. Cheaping out is not necessarily going to save money.
<<The main thing I am after is appriciate and value.>>Hi singlemamawa,I am also a single mom and so can relate to your struggles. My kids wanted the brands and we couldn't afford them. But I had a plan. ;)When my older kids were about your kids' ages, we went to the .99 store. I told them if they came with me they could pick one item for free (this was at a time when things were so tight we didn't buy anything extra so one item free was a real treat). They were exposed to bargain hunting. They worked hard at the .99 store, to get the most they could for their dollar, walking up and down the isles, comparing sizes. As they grew older we would go to the thrift stores. If they bought clothing in the regular store, they paid for it. If they bought it in the thrift store, I paid for it. They caught on real fast. ;) My 17 year old son shops for most, if not all of his clothes at thrift stores and gets all the latest styles. He even buys his shoes there (we all do, actually-my 13 yo got a pair of almost brand new Converse for $7.95, a pair he had been wanting me to buy new).As far as other expenses, I never liked the idea of allowance but instead I like to teach my kids they should work for what they get. I always offered them work for pay if they wanted something. And I never inflated the value of their work (they never got $5 for taking out the trash kind of thing). Sometimes they were willing, sometimes not. But they associated having things with work.Don't be discouraged. Your kids are young and it takes time for them to learn to appreciate and value things. My kids range in age from 13-23. The 13 year old doesn't quite get it yet, still working with him, but the other 3 do. But it took years. So just hang in there. Teach them mostly by your example and make it something fun to do, to get the most value from their money.Best wishes!gg56
As far as other expenses, I never liked the idea of allowance but instead I like to teach my kids they should work for what they get.DD earns her allowance through good behavior. Good behavior earns a sticker. 7 stickers earns $2. No, that isn't a lot of money. She can earn more various ways. I'll pay $1 for helping to put away DS's laundry. Helping with yard work (usually trash duty) is $1. Perfect spelling tests are worth $1. "Are you thinking about your sticker?" is usually enough to curb wild behavior.She used to have the worst case of the iwannas I have ever seen. Now she gets told, "did you bring your money?" That cut that out right away.Funny thing is, she is very careful about what she buys and is very proud of how she spends her money. She remembers that Moon Sand was her first purchase. (And yes, she still plays with it.) She's also made donations out of her fund as well. You've never seen a 7-year-old walk taller than when she's helped out some cause out of her own purse.HTH,- HCF
That's all I was trying to point out. You can go cheap and sometinmes that's counterproductive. I'm not suggesting that buying $85 Teva sandales or $125 Nikes are the answer. I'm just trying to foster a more reasonable mindset to dollars spent. Cheaping out is not necessarily going to save money.My point is that if the kid doesn't take care of the good quality stuff, she won't be getting more. Trash the good shoes? Then don't whine about getting stuck with crappy replacement ones.
My point is that if the kid doesn't take care of the good quality stuff, she won't be getting more. Trash the good shoes? Then don't whine about getting stuck with crappy replacement ones. I agree!My grandmother bought C's shoes at that age, but if C ruined them, I couldn't afford to replace them, so they would be glued or whatever until they were really worn all the way through or she out-grew them. If I bought replacements, they were what I could afford, not what she wanted.Oh, and C had "tibia tortion" when she was born, so she was also pretty pigeon-toed, although she has mostly grown out of it now.Ishtar
I am not a big fan of allowance on a regular basis. The idea of working on regular chores and earning respect and minding rules will get them a lot further at when it comes to getting what they want. If they mind and respect me then I am a little more willing to get them something that cost a few (literally a few) more dollars. My kids understand the only time they get anything is Christmas or birthday. They a few items a season changes but not much. I did chew my daughter out, maybe more then I should earlier this week for the shoes and her sweaters and jeans (which have holes around the wrist and knees) and and then since things are financialy tight I have been working extra hours and not seeing them all week besides bedtime and morning so in a round about way she has seen what I am talking about and her behavior has been great. The current solution since I won't buy her any replacements is she has to pick out her outfit at night and present it to me before she goes to bed. I can then see what matches, the condition of the clothes(dirty, clean, holes) and it is making her more aware of what she is wearing and paying attention more. I feel bad when I take out my stress on them but they are the reason that I work like I do and I feel they need to respect what I do and what they have. I appriciate the feedback and ideas and support from everyone and I am striving to be patient with them and teach them value not stress and anger. I am going to trail and error some new ideas and see what my kids take to. Thank you everyone.
I am not a big fan of allowance on a regular basis.There are certain things that are basic, that C must do, as a member of the family, to keep the household running. That is independent of the allowance. The allowance is for her to learn to manage money. It started out at $1/week when she was in kindergarten. It stopped for awhile when we were really having a bad time. Now, she gets $12/wk (she's 13). She has to use it to buy magazines, make-up, razor blades (she wants a fancy razor, so the cost is on her), gum, candy, soda, itunes, movies, lunch at school, etc. She can earn extra money by doing extra chores without being told, or doing things for friends and neighbors.Last year, she saved up enough to buy an ipod, and she treats it as if it were made of gold, because it took her months to save up for it.My feeling is that she needs to start learning to manage an income now, so that she isn't struggling to learn it in a couple of years when she is working.Ishtar
There are certain things that are basic, that C must do, as a member of the family, to keep the household running. That is independent of the allowance. The allowance is for her to learn to manage money. It started out at $1/week when she was in kindergarten. It stopped for awhile when we were really having a bad time. I agree, and we did this the same way with my kids. If they never have any money to manage, how will they learn the financial skills they need when they are grown and gone?I put this in the same category as teaching them other life skills like cooking and laundry.
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