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Thank you all...

Finally my father's wife gave permission to her lawyer to send a copy of the will to my brother who will copy it and send it to me. As we expected the entire estate was left to my father's wife... I assume that is why the daughter of my father's widow was so mean to us in my father's last days. We were helping my father improve his health, according to his wishes, and she wanted us to stop and just go home and leave my father with no support or help from his children.

And when she dies, after inheriting your kids legacy, instead of leaving the remainder to your own children she will will it to HER family. Wouldn't a trust leaving your estate to your children with your widow a right to the income to support her as long as she lives not been quite so vindictive? What did you kids do to you to deserve this?

This is what just happened to my brother and I. It feels pretty bad that my father's widow's family will inherit everything that my father earned and saved throughout his life. It feels doubly bad because we were treated so poorly by that family. We will survive without my father's legacy, but it would have felt better if my father had provided something for us as a rememberance at least.

We did have a very personal time with our father that his widow's family did not care to share. They came to visit daily, but did not stay to help with my father's personal needs and to explain to him what was going on with his recovery. He was a very intelligent man and wanted to know evey detail of what was happening. We were able to learn and explain all of this to him. We were able to help him get services more quickly when they were needed and that provided him with much more comfort than he would have had. We also became aware of the fact that his primary doctor was unaware of his ability to understand his treatment and to make decisions about his own healthcare when decisions were needed. If this had not been the case, his wife would have met with that doctor and discontinued his health support at a time when our father was recovering quite well and that would have terminated his life earlier than he would have wanted it to terminate.

These things were necessary for us to do for him as he was unable to speak because of tubes in his mouth and throat. He used pantomime and pointing, etc. and we asked him questions and he could give us expressions of questioning, disbelief, or acknowledgement. He could answer yes and no with a shake of his head. I finally developed a set of cards that he could point to in order to ask for things or to lead us to asking him the correct questions. Finally he became strong enough to write short sentences. He made steady improvement and was expected to recover fully. Then one day, after something happened, he was unable to open his eyes or to use his fine muscles, a major change. At that time we knew, since he had told us, that he wanted us to discontinue his medical support. His wife was also aware of this so we all agreed to do this for him.

Because we, his blood family, were there and knew all the doctors and nurses well, we were able to find a way to do this more quickly and ease his final suffering. He was then given morphine to make him feel peaceful until he died. We were able to prevent three days, over a weekend, of tossing and turning and discomfort. We feel good about our relationship with our father and our ability to help him while he was hospitalized, a period of about three weeks.

His widow was indeed unable to provide this service for him because of her own health problems and the distance from the hospital, so her daily visits were all that my father expected of her. When she came into his room he glowed and was very happy to see her. It was beautiful to watch that kind of love between two people.

We definitely want his widow to have all the help that she needs for her own last days. it would have been appropriate for our father to have left his portion of their estate in trust for her and then to have given his half to my brother and I and she could have given her half to her children. This is not what will happen. Her children will receive all of my father's estate as well as their mother's estate. They knew this fact and one of them was quite angry with us for helping our father to improve. She told us outright that she wanted our father to die before her mother died. It has left our families estranged as it combined her greed with her inability for compassion and caring at an important moment in all of our lives. I believe that creating a different type of will could have prevented that kind of thinking on her part . It would also have prevented our anger towards her and towards her family and our current estrangement from them. It is sending my husband and I to the lawyer to get our own estate in order for our own children. We do not want the same kinds of angers if either of us remarries.

And when she dies, after inheriting your kids legacy, instead of leaving the remainder to your own children she will will it to HER family. Wouldn't a trust leaving your estate to your children with your widow a right to the income to support her as long as she lives not been quite so vindictive? What did you kids do to you to deserve this?

I repeated this statement because it may not be you who is thought of as vindictive, but someone that you do not suspect right now... If you can spare feelings between people that you love, it would be well to do so. One thing, also is the need for letting every one know before you become ill what your wishes are for your will and your memorial, etc... If everything is planned out and you give each person a part in your memory, there will be a coming together to celebrate your life and not a time of hurt feelings. There are a lot of jealousies out there that can come out when things like this happen. If everyone is thought about before hand, maybe some of those negative things can be prevented.

For my brother and I, I can say that we had a very wonderful time with my father and with each other and with our own families. It is a time that we will remember with fondness and closeness for a long time. It is sad that the negativity intrudes now and then because of one member of the other family... Perhaps that could have been avoided with a better way of dealing with the will and the problems that it caused with that person. Think it through for yourself and allow your own family/families to experience the closeness that death brings together rather than driving people apart...

I have shared this very personal experience with you because I feel that it is very necessary for all of us to think of the way in which we treat our family members after our deaths. The very worst thing we can do is to create problems for any individual or group. The problems that we create by not thinking things through might cause those who are helping us in our time of greatest need to have other problems to deal with that are unnecessary and avoidable. It certainly would be better for you to be cared for by people who only have your care in their minds rather than the negativity of others in their way.


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