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Thanks, Peter.

I have thought about it a lot (too much?), as many aspects as occur to me, and I do need to periodically get it out of me. but not among those who know me. it's not helpful if I have to be diplomatic. I want to put it out there as I feel it, not wrapped in happy shiny paper or leaving out important details.

I will definitely be dropping in, I chose this place. seems like a quaint little bar with some friendly folks stopping thru. so far so good on that front! slow service on the drinks, however ...

One of the problems with unemployment: waaaaay too much time to think! I try to not drive myself crazy and when I feel it happening I grab the gym bag and get out of here. swimming laps has been good for my back (not sure I mentioned the car crash last June?) and stress level. I have been doing a lot of house/yard projects and so forth to get away from thinking! the job search is fairly intense so I need the stress relief. I am stuck in this status quo until I get employed. frustrating as hell.

But over the weekend, doing taxes for my friend, I did some spilling. To The Guy. I haven't seen him much the past few months, haven't chatted by phone more than a time or two but I do his taxes, I knew I'd see him soon. Distance is good while I figure out what the hell ... but it's not like I ever quit thinking about him. in ways that a married woman probably shouldn't (blush). I looked forward to being around him again to see how it really is between us. Would I have another powerful physical reaction on first getting there? (no, but one of hte last times I saw him, I felt his presence before I saw him and when I did lay eyes on him, I felt a jolt)

telling him that me and dh are probably splitting, finally telling someone that knows us, it was fine, it was cool, it was therapeutic. I feel so much better. A bit unburdened, you know? Lighter, happier. he was supportive, asking only a couple questions to see if I'd really thought about it and if I was ok emotionally. I think I passed ; )

he didn't pry, I knew he wouldn't; part of the reason I wanted to tell him vs any other friend. I wasn't a weeping mess so he didn't need to "render comfort" or whatever. he let me talk, did some talking, too. it was good, it was cool. he pointed out some things to think about and I appreciated it but he also thought I had put a great deal of thought into it. he seemed surprised how many aspects I had considered, that I really seemed OK, even at peace (true). he was also surprised to have not seen it coming. That will be a recurring theme among our friends I think.

We don't fight, not at home, not out. I can't imagine people picking up on my unhappiness since I am way happier with other people around.

I want to thank whichever poster above recommended that I may need this guy as a friend, don't do something stupid. You are right. he was my top choice for confidante, pretty much my best friend. And, uh, hey, I was helping him with his taxes (last minute, AGAIN), so, tough, he had to hear My Stuff. It roiled up, I couldn't take it any longer.

I didn't plan to tell anyone, not yet, not him, not anyone. but too many "If I don't tell him I will feel like a heel" moments piled up as we worked on taxes, took breaks, saw some stuff on tv... it was bothering me and I needed to get it out. I felt dishonest, pretending my life with my husband will just continue on as everyone expects it to .... nope, not the case.

since he knows both of us and is one of the least judgemental people I know, he was able to see the points I made about living with this man, how he is to be around. How it is for the person living with him, what the effect is over time. I didn't want to say much but I don't think I said more than I should, ya know? There are dots he can connect and probably already has and that's fine.

and while I remain attracted to the guy, I benefitted greatly from his friendship. and that's all that happened. I may be giving off a vibe something like "take me now" and felt it very strongly when I saw his bedroom door open and peeked in. looks warm and comfy. mmmm. uh oh. I did keep control of myself. It wasn't as hard to do as it's been at least one time in the past (late night, no one else around, sipping tequila and watching shooting stars, his bedroom a few feet behind us ... no one would ever know ... I chose instead to go to bed rather than risk my control slipping completely - it was going fast, I was ready to tell him that he had better start kissing me or dancing with me or Something; and I would have been quite fine with Or Something and could have justified it to myself that night. I cannot convey how disappointing it was to instead get in bed with sleeping hubby and hug a pillow)

He is a safe guy for me and I felt very safe at his place. didn't want to leave, in fact, but, had an interview to go to yesterday so I couldn't stay much past our midnight deadline. job crap is more important than his confiding in me whatever secret he has to tell. somehow we never got to that. but you can see that there is mutual trust and he doesn't let too many people "in". I am up to my elbows in his finances and have his username/passwords for everything. His trust in me is enormous. Over the summer, I made it past many of his "walls". But this weekend, I confided a major secret and he said that he also has a secret to tell. I think it's an old girlfriend stalking him, given the context of when he brought it up. I think I know the old girlfriend, too, and she is mighty troubled right now, desperately in need of a lifeboat. I can see him mentally peeling her hands off of him, getting out of her clutches as he does not want A Project for a girlfriend.

We have a tentative appt with Dr Phil today as topic is Divorce. Perhaps I get the secret out of him after that?

I know this guy pretty well. I also know how well I fit in his life. His mantra is "what does this mean To Me?" and I think if he applies that to what he just found out, it's either NOTHING or some plan to bide his time while waiting for me to be available and ready to move on. We like the same things and make great running buddies.

He is a decent man, a good man. He would not attempt to take advantage of my vulnerability. He has infinite self-control, he will not make a move on me prematurely. If he is interested in me, becomes interested in me, he will take his time. Quite likely, it will have to be me asking him out. Not something to even think about yet as it's months from now. But I well know that he will be damned careful about poaching a friend's ex. and so, my making the move is likely. However, I would really prefer there be Some Moment when it becomes clear. some accidental touch that sparks. some natural evolution.

I'm actually ready to date NOW but that would be unseemly. On the one hand, it's a sham marriage at this point anyway, but, the other hand has a ring: I am married. not yet separated. I figure once I'm separated and hubs is out of my house, only thing I can't do is get remarried. I wouldn't have much of a problem boinking someone else now, but I do not think my conscious has evolved enuf to handle that and so I will remain True Blue. not worth the risk to my well-being. sex is simply not my biggest problem right now.

I wonder if yesterday my guy friend was thinking about how nice it was to have me at his house. how easy and comfortable it is being together. how we sometimes think alike, and make a good team. Maybe he felt my absence and maybe he didn't. I do not know what is in his head nor his heart, but I can say that from the start of meeting each other 20 years ago, we got along really well, always have. we have never run out of things to say, have had some very long phone calls. some bond I can't describe but he has always had a special place in my heart. even silence is comfortable.

I try to not torture myself, but what if years ago I realized I was with the wrong man and never made this marriage mistake .... maybe it was supposed to be this guy all along? Or, come on, maybe there is ntohing there, and never will be. I can settle for Good Friends because he is a very close friend at this point and that is valuable. I have a lot of friends but few are This Close.

He was there for me when I became unemployed. We helped each other with our respective problems. I pointed out to him that if my husband really wanted to spend time with me, my enormous free time in unemployment would have been a great time to do it. instead, hubby did nothing of the kind. speaks volumes. I also reminded him about the little "diatribe" hubs sent to a small group of mutual friends. he declared that he would from now on only do what he wanted to do, there was some crap about me not understanding him or whatever. It was offensive to me and I chose to not respond to his ridiculous email. But Guy Friend remembered that, remembered finding it rather strange that my husband sent that email and wondering what I thought about it. but never asked.

Don't worry, I'm not making this guy out to be The Perfect Man because he isn't. I am trying to keep track of his flaws only to keep myself grounded. I cannot know if my feelings are real or just my internal safety system trying to find a lifeboat. But I do not need a lifeboat. I make good money (when employed!) and can take care of myself. the house, the cars, whatever. I am not weak. I am more independent than most women. I don't need a man, I simply want one. I want someone to spend time with. Doesn't have to be big fancy dates, even stupid crap like pulling weeds in the yard. Why do I have to do everything alone??

He agreed that spending time together is important. He sees my isolation now while he probably never gave it a thought during all those day time phone calls over the summer. Prob'ly I make like it's ok but it isn't. hasn't been ok for a very long time. I have merely protected my privacy.

But for now, I am happy to have someone to talk to about it. Should we evolve to something more, I am open to it. If we never move past close friends, then I will still be luckier than most people I know. Trust is a tricky thing and hard to find. easy to destroy, sometimes impossible to rebuild. I don't trust my husband. He continues to prove himself unworthy of it. I see no chance of rebuilding that. I barely even love him and whatever I do feel may be out of obligation. My husband needs me well more than I need him.

so, there's my latest installment! maybe at some point I should start a new thread but it was convenient to just add to my saga.

Thanks for listening!!
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