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The Interview than Never Happened XVI

A gastropod mollusk is interviewed by MichaelRead

MichaelRead: “Why on earth would you want to be a stand-up comic?”

Gastropod Mollusk: “Total lack of competition. After all, how many gastropods are there on the circuit? None. I am the first plus I have a boffo routine of being slow in a fast world. Sure, it takes me time to get to the mike on stage but when I get there the jokes come slow. Get it? Slow. I've got a million of them."

MR: “So you whole routine is based on slow jokes as in when you don't get the laugh you want you say, “Glad you're catching on.”

GM: “Can I have that one? Yes, all my jokes are about slow, they're delivered slow, and the laughs come slow and I can use that line. Thanks for it. I'll send you a check for it but don't expect it soon – it'll be slow. Get it? Slow as in snail mail and (rim shot, please) this is Real snail mail. Got any more slow jokes I can use?

MR: “How about: 'I never have to worry about premature ejaculation because for us snails anything under four hours is fast.'”

GM: “I don't get it. Four hours? Michael, I am a hermaphrodite.”

MR: “Okay, how about: 'I never had sex with myself until the second date – I may be slow but I'm not cheap.'”

GM: “That doesn't even make sense.”

MR: “Look, you're a garden snail that want to be a stand-up comic and that's supposed to make sense? What are you going to joke about other than slow stuff? Being garlic seasoned escargot?”

GM: “I wish you hadn't said that. That hurts, deeply. Thousands of my French cousins have been…I can't go on. You are a cruel man to say such things.”

MR: “I apologize. I did not want to harm but you have to admit that snails are known for the trail they leave and The Other Thing.”

GM: “Ah ha! Now you see that me wanting to be a stand-up comedian will broaden how snails are viewed! Just one appearance on Jay Leno and snails will be seen for more than That Other Thing. Lots of yuks, lots of bucks, and lots of snail recognition. I can't lose. Though I was in Las Vegas and it took me two weeks to lose a dollar and a half. Why? Because I'm slow. You know Billy Barty? A small guy, a Little Person. He made fun of being small and I'm going to make it with a 'slow' shtick.”

MR: Billy was introduced by the presenter as 'Our featured speaker is now going to give a short speech.' Billy stood and said, “Under this pants he's wearing shorts and they're aptly named.” I eventually forgave him. So you're going to be presented with 'Our featured speaker is going to give a slow speech'? “

GM: “Get with the program, Michael. I don't talk slow I talk about slow. It's me, a violin and as good a timing as Henny Youngman. Take my carapace, please.”

MR: “Okay, we've milked this as far as we can. As in all Interviews That Never Happened you get the last word.”

GM: “Hey folks, I just flew in from New York and, boy, are my eyestalks tired. No, seriously though, it isn't easy being a snail on United Airlines: I make them look fast. My brother took American Airlines and the last I heard he's still in a holding pattern over Los Angeles – and he left two months ago. Don't you think airlines are slow? Western isn't that bad but it took me a month to go from the ticket agent to the Gate – don't you just hate Denver Airport?

“But I like coming to the Pacific Northwest. You people up here get rain and, man, I need rain. With rain I can make the hundred yard dash in about three weeks – without rain it's not worth taking the trip. You have slugs up here also. My Mother-In-Law's a slug. Want to know what I sent her for her birthday? Morton's Salt.

“How about that Seahawks game? Man, that's slow. Any slower and they'll time innings with a calendar. But seriously, folks, being slow in a fast world is not easy – ask Congress.

“Well, folks, my time's about up and I don't have enough time for my song and dance routine so I'll do it in the parking lot after the show. It's what, Thursday? See you in the parking lot Tuesday. Why the wait? Because I'm slow.

“Just remember, friends, snails in your garden are your companions in making ecology really work. So, when you see a snail in your garden, realize you've met a friend. And, remember, speed kills. Goodnight all.”

MR: “Thank you, Gastropod Mollusk. Now will you just get off the stage?”

GM: “From here to my dressing room? Tops a day and a half. I'm on my way. If Leno's talent coordinator calls I'll be somewhere between here and there. One last thing, Michael, I like the way you type slow when you've had a few beers. Heart warming, that is.”

MR: “Beer makes me hungry. By the way, have I introduced you to my friend, Mr. Garlic? No? Come this way and I'll show you my kitchen.”


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