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Apologies in advance if this is inappropriate. Not sure where else to share and ask. Please forgive me if it is confusing, but I am trying to put down things I haven't been able to think about in so many ways.

This weekend, I have been quietly alone at home and introspective in many ways.

Not raised a theist and fundamentally confused yet drawn to many traditions while remaining fundamentally ignorant on all of it.

Came here an hour or so ago to start reading because I wanted to burn some white candles to grieve for two persons long gone that I never formally grieved for, but also to try and move on in some ways. And maybe to burn a candle for those who are still here and that I fret about more than I want to admit to fretting for. (Sorry, ending with prepositions.)

This came to mind because a facebook update from an associate mentioned that she has returned earlier from visiting the cemetery to remember "two little angels who are in heaven," but she is a lapsed Christian but sort of follows this stuff in a selective way. And I wondered that this holiday is apparently for remembering the deceased but loved. I only knew about this aspect about 20 years ago, when my then-boyfriend asked me to come with him to visit his deceased parents on this "E' holiday.

The only time I burned a candle on my own was more than a year ago. I had a small candle burning an incense burning ceremony because I heard a woman I met briefly - but made a significant impact on my life then - had passed on abruptly. Part of her traditions allowed for or included candle burning and burning of incense.

The odd thing that started me thinking is I was out walking a dog when I got a text message from a friend with a brief update about their weekend. It was suppose to reassure me, but it only made me worry a bit and start fretting. And I started to think of the mainstream focus on the "E" holiday (I live in a neighborhood that has a lot of public Christians) and that I really don't feel or follow it at all, only going through the shallow well wishes to neighbors as the occasion arises. In my head and as a joke to the friend, I made a vague reference to the "E" story. And a sense of it came to me, but not the way Christians would likely accept it.

For many years, I've groped for some sort of thing in my life. I don't think I am an atheist (though much of what is said and shared in that realm makes much sense); I think I believe too much that things are not coincidences and I have had many people in my life who I care about that follow various beliefs (either recognized religions, or many that I believe might be referred to as pantheistic, or pagan).

I've had a lot of thoughts today and now as I write this, but more on to today. Earlier I googled "pagan Easter." The only article I read thus far is this one which also heartened me:
Very brief summary of the differences between the pagan holiday and the Christian. A line from the site:
"The pagan Easter celebrates happiness and life. The Christian Easter consecrates suffering and death."

Though I've just read this above - which makes so much more sense - emotionally and mentally, I am still stuck at wanting to do a tiny ritual of some sort to remember and let go.

I want to do "something" but don't follow anything of the holidays, largely because I have no real clue, but nothing works yet. And for the last two hours, I've had in mind the people in my life that have passed often in the back of my mind, but also the people I care and fret about.

Simply put, I *long* to memorialize two from the past in a way I've never, ever done yet. Maybe in a way like that wonderful woman for whom I performed a small ceremony, but there was no tradition known for those two.

It doesn't have to be done today, but today's "E' holiday brought it to mind.

And this longing is here, to do something. Something respectful and perhaps pivotal in a tiny way.

Just uncertain what I could or should be doing.

Thank you.


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When Life Gives You Lemons
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