When I pulled the plug on my career in May of '00 I said I would keep the ER Wannabes and those who REed after me apprised of my experiences. This is kind of personal, but I thought it might be relevant to some. It concerns personal demons and my discovery of how my ER reawakened one of mine.

We probably all have personal demons. You might think of them as weaknesses or character flaws, but I like the mental image of grabbing a sword and beating something ugly and tangible back into its cage. For some, the symptoms would be impulsive overeating, smoking, drinking, spending, gambling or any of a variety of unhealthy behaviors. I believe these behaviors usually indicate deeper underlying problems.

I won't say that the source of these demons is unimportant, but I want to focus on the potential effects of ER on living with personal demons. My big demon manifests in the unhealthy relationship I have with my father. He is addicted to control of other people's lives and suffers from depression when he isn't pulling strings like a master puppeteer. My demon is how easily I succumb to the lure of the assets he offers in exchange for this control. It would be easy to blame my father, but Rule #1 in demon warfare is to face the demon head on. My father's problems are his and mine are mine.

My demon was safely in his cage while I had a career. My career provided distance and preoccupation with more pressing problems and more importantly, enough security to buy my independence. In retrospect, I had simply transferred my financial dependence to my career and allowed my career to manage me. I slowly lost my memory of how bad things had been during my youth and gained an awareness of how much I wanted financial independence. I assumed that age had changed my father for the better or that he had outgrown his need for control. I assumed that my years of independence from him had given me some immunity. I assumed that much of our conflict was simply normal "teen angst" or "growing pains" of whatever cliche you want to name it and that I had exaggerated his tendencies.

I now wonder if my demon isn't fairly common and many people deal with it by staying employed until their parents are dead or so weakened that they become less relevant. If I had stayed working until I was 65, that would put my father's age at 88. I think his control tricks would be substantially less effective by then, but I recall how pathetically clingy my grandmother (his mother) became as she aged and I now see the signs of that in him. I know how harsh that sounds, but I've been exploring the nature of control addiction and how to recognize it and combat it.

By retiring at 42, I lost the career security blanket that I was holding between me and him. I complicated the matter by moving "closer to family" and therefore gave him more opportunities to employ the tricks he had actually been enhancing and refining for the past 20 years. About two months ago, he made the mistake of chewing me out essentially for not being able to read his mind and anticipate his needs. It was like being teleported back to when I worked for him while he paid for my college. I thought I was accepting his used but repairable junk and dinner once or twice a week in exchange for helping him with things he is physically incapable of (he runs a hobby farm). He thought he was buying me mind, body, and soul.

This relationship had redeveloped in the two years since I had retired. I returned some of the assets and offers of "help" are now refused while control of my life is once again being withheld. I feel stronger because I'm now fending off his tentacles without using my career as a crutch. He's treating me with more respect, but he's showing signs of withdrawal and is becoming more demanding with others who are still dependent on him. I feel bad about that, but there doesn't seem to be a safe way to help them. He won't acknowledge that he has a problem despite the misery it has caused him and others.

My example may be extreme or may be common. There's no way for me to know, but I think it serves as an example of how people can use the requirements of their career as an obstacle to their self-destructive tendencies. Maintaining an image for a career might be a way to avoid overeating or excessive drinking. A steady income might hide impulsive spending and a busy schedule might minimize the opportunity for impulsive gambling. The added time and independence of retired life might allow these or other personal demons out of their cages and back into the limelight. It may not be enough to know your demons if you haven't also prepared for battle with them.

I hope this gives you something to think about and if necessary, to prepare for. The Fool's goal is to educate and amuse and I'm afraid this is lacking in the amusement department, but I felt it was an experience worth offering.

1HappyFool - reexperiencing the sweet sweet taste of freedom, this time a little bittersweet.