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Okay, I'll admit it, I hate the Boston Marathon. There!! I said it!! Whew, what a relief. You have no idea how long I have been wanting to say that out loud. But to actually do so is like swearing in church. Ya, lightning may NOT come directly out of the sky and fry your butt, but you're really taking a chance. Well, I've said it once, I'll say it again. I HATE the marathon!!!!! 12,000 people who make Ally McBeal look like Momma Cass come flooding in to MY city and make ME feel like there is something wrong with ME!!!!! Pardon me, Johnny Kelly, but I don't think so.
First off, have you ever BEEN to Hopkington? If you have, WHY? There is NOTHING there!!!!! I am not exagerating one bit here when I say nothing. I mean NOTHING!!!!! To be a one horse town would be a step towards the bright lights of the big city for this burg. I mean, this is a place that almost had civil insurection when the town fathers (Three guys named Moe) voted to allow the state to put up a flashing yellow light at the "Downtown" intersection. This is where the premier road race in the nation begins?
Have you ever tried to go from Hopkington to Boston? The winning racer makes it door to door in about two hours and fifteen minutes. You can't DRIVE from Hopkington to Boston in 2' 15"!!!! Honest! I used to date a girl from Hopkington and I had to leave town at 4 AM to make it to work on time.
Have you ever talked to someone who actually ran the race? (I use the word ran guardedly, as most of the contestants are staggering by the time they cross the finish line) Is there any more insufferable bunch of folks in the world?? They are constantly going on and on about how this particular problem (any problem) reminds them of how they felt when they were trying to make it up Heartbreak Hill back during the Centenial Race and they wanted to quit, but reached down inside themselves and found just a bit more to give and that's what got them thru to the top, and don't we think we can do the same and solve this problem????? How can you not hate someone who says that with a straight face??? Worse still, they will ask you "So, what did YOU do on Patriots Day????------OH, you sat in the bleachers at Fenway and drank beer and cheered for a bunch of baseball players!!! Well, isn't that nice!!! Me, oh,I took a little jog."
Worse still are the runners with physical handicaps. (Cut to Chet and Nat from Channel 5 at the finish line---"Well Chet here comes Joe Smith across the finish line in 6 hours and 34 minutes. You know, he is the guy who was caught out in a blizzard in Nebraska last year, got frostbite on both of his feet and amputated them with a pair of toenail clippers that he had in his glovebox and crawled 15 miles to safety." "Why yes, Natalie, and in memory of that day he is running on artificial feet that he carved himself using the same pair of clippers. Isn't he an inspiration? Why isn't Paul the Nurse running the race? He HAS both of his feet? Maybe he's just lazy!!!!")
Oh yeah, well as a matter of fact, I had to go six blocks out of my way to get to Fenway thanks to you and all of your running pals there, buddy. What about my suffering? I almost missed the anthem!!! And had to pay an extra 5 bucks for parking cause I couldn't make it to my usual lot. I know heartache!!!
Look, I have nothing against distance runners, per se. They just make me nervous. I'm afraid I'll mistake one of them for the celery sticks that came with my Buffalo Wings at the Cask and Flagon and accidently eat one of them. 'Jeez, I'm sorry, I thought you were the apittizer!!'
There is however, one thing that the marathon does have in its favor. That is the idea that if you just keep picking them up and putting them down, without regard to the minor aches and pains along the way, eventually, you get to the end. You may not be the guy who gets the Laurel Wreath(what a world class rip off THAT is-- run for 26.25 miles and get a laurel wreath for your troubles---"Hey BAA, how bout giving them a quarter pounder with cheese, that will make the skinny bastards run") but if you keep plodding along you will reach the goal. Kind of like my IRA. It ain't gonna impress anyone, but its mine, and if I keep adding to it, no matter how small the steps are, I'll eventually get to the point where I have some clink in my pockets. (Yes, I'll be too old and decrepit to actually go out and DO anything with the money but thats another tale of woe!)
In the immortal word of the Brothers G, Long Term Buy and HOLD!!!!!
Susan Lucci Must Die! (Don't ask, its a LONG story)

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